tuesday

Today I feel defeated.
I know the way I feel right now is temporary. I'll be fine in the morning. But for now
I feel defeated, and exhausted.
I wish I could re-do this day.
I'd do it better.

friday

I've worked 33 hours the past 2 days. I'm beat!
Tommorow is my of day.
I think I'll just hang out on the couch watching movies with daughter and We-Ping. Or by myself if daughter and We-Ping have other plans.

wed

Dude that ran over my son was finally arrested.
He will be arraigned in March........and they've added new charges since he was a no show
back in Aug/Sept.
I guess he's had a bad past couple of days. GOOD!.....................................and I hate to tell him, but things for him are only going to get worse.

 I'm going to sue my daughters school.
They've been violating her rights.
Unfortunately I wasn't very well informed or it wouldn't have gone on this long.
I had a meeting last week with the director of special ed. and another staff member.
They lie, they're condescending, they're hateful, and they've caused my daughter pain and suffering.
I'm through dealing with these people.

tuesday

I have to finish my holiday cleaning today.
It's not that I won't clean the house again until after Christmas. But I want to "deep clean"
and then just maintain between now and Christmas.

I did at least half my Christmas shopping lastnight on line.
I feel way ahead of the game!

It's pouring down rain.
I have all the lights off to set the stage and then
the door is cracked open so that I can better hear the rain fall.
I love listening to it.

Boyfriend is in the bedroom watching "Crossing Jordan."
Background music is Elvis Presley singing "Are you Lonesome Tonight." I think that's the name of the song.
I had this flash of a memory.
I was sitting on the living room couch with sister #3 and sister #5. My dad had the old console stereo
on and he was playing one of his Elvis albums. We were dad's audience...........he was singing "are you lonesome tonight" I can hear mine and my sisters giggles as dad performs for us. I can still picture him go down on one knee and extend his arm out towards us as he sings. His microphone an ordinary household item.
My sisters and I  liked when dad performed for us. Some of the time he was Tom Jones, and then other times he'd be Johnny Mathis or Elvis.
I think it was his way of dealing with a difficult day at work.
It always made us smile

monday

So I got my retro kitchen table and chairs
this evening.
It was my sisters mother-in-laws.
 For the
most part it's in good shape.
I really like it!

I'm selling my kitchen table.
It's thick, very heavy, and oak.
It's in perfect shape. I
loved it when I bought it.
Now not so much.
I was supposed to put it
in the yard today with a for
sale sign on it. But didn't.
I'll do it tomorrow!

I put a few more Christmas lights
out front today.
They look pretty.

sunday

This past Friday I hung my outdoor Christmas lights.
They look pretty.
I also rearranged my living room and dining room furniture.
I think I pulled a chest wall muscle moving furniture. When I bend & reach or move my arms a certain way
I get knife like pains in my chest.  :O) always something, huh?
I also cleaned my garage.
Some dim wit was supposed to come to my house Saturday to buy my kitchen table and a love seat. Dim Wit was a no show. Tomorrow the table and sofa go in my driveway with a  for sale sign on them.
I got a retro kitchen table and chairs to replace the one going in the driveway tomorrow & I love it!

Bubba is home.
Sons went out to dinner with him this afternoon.
I'm thrilled beyond words.
He's a great young guy.
Maybe that's why Pierce beat him.
Maybe Bubba is what Pierce wishes he could have been..............and since he can't be....he's angry & took that anger out on Bubba.
Who knows....

nov. 11

I had 3 houses that I'd drive past a couple times a week waiting for them to be put up for sale.
The nephew of the lady who lives in one of those houses has my name and number and will call me after he gets his aunt placed in a nursing home. I don't drive by that house anymore..............................one of the other 2 houses is up the street from "Dudes" house. He's the guy who while driving without insurance and on a suspended license, ran over my son. He was charged with driving without insurance and a suspended drivers license....or something like that............he didn't show up for court............the judge issued a bench warrent..................so while driving by his house today to check out the house up the street from him, I saw Dude coming from the car in his driveway and then walking up his front steps. I pulled over and called the police. Two cruisers came (I watched from up the street).....they knocked on his front door, walked around to the side of the house.....and maybe went to the backyard, but I'm not sure because I couldn't see ........and then they came down from Dudes yard and back to their cruisers.
I flagged down one of those cruisers. He told me they couldn't enter the house, and that he was sorry. So I'm guessing what I'll have to do is find out where and when Dude works and send the police to his work.............or watch his house one day, follow him when he leaves and then call the police.

Sister hasn't called. I'm afraid of calling and waking her. I do know that her husbands best friend, her husbands boss, and her brother-in-law are moving her washer, dryer, and refrigerator from her old house to her new one today.........the rest of her stuff has alread been moved...........my other older sister and I spent Saturday cleaning the house that sister is moving from......... my dad cut the grass, and raked the yard at the old house...................sister is stressed dealing with her husbands illness.............she looks like the walking dead. She can't weigh more than 80 or 90 lbs.
I just don't know what to do except to love and support her........

tuesday

Older sister called me at work this evening. She was sobbing. Her husband of 30 years (they married when she was 18, he was 20) has been in the hospital. She hasn't been able to bring herself to go see him.
So she calls me sobbing and asked me to spend the night with her. She didn't want to be alone.
An hour or so after she called me, she called back to tell me she was going to pick her dog up (they are in the process of moving from their old home to their new home) from the old house and she was just going to camp out in the new house with MoJo the dog.
I feel badly for her..............offered to take her to the hospital tomorrow. Told her I'd hang out in the gift shop while she visits her husband. So we'll see.

I didn't get rid of the old 1950's console stereo. Sons carried it to the basement for me. I just couldn't part with it.

If I dont go tto the hospital with sister tomorrow I'll probably continue on with my holiday cleaning and organizing.

I have the next 3 days off of work. So                       Yay!

monday

nothing new ......................tired from the long work day..................going to watch Dexter and then go to bed.


We-ping is in the bathroom sink sleeping. She looks cute.

I hate when people call a sink a zinc. I don't get it.

saturday

Some guy and his son are coming to my house today to take away the stereo that sat in my mom and dads house all through my childhood.
It still works. It's filled with albums from the 50's, 60's, 70's and the 80's.
I even have an extra gold tipped needle for it.
The problem with it is that it must weigh 300 lbs.
I want to keep it but when I go to change around a room, or when I want to put in carpeting, or move the stereo to another room, it means getting together a group of guys to move the fucker. That's no easy task, getting the guys together.
I'm going to keep the albums, and I have a small turn table that boyfriend got for me a few years back............so it's really the music that's important, right? Not so much what we played the music on............

I was at Lowes the other day and some guy told me I had a pretty smile. I thought to myself "aw! how sweet."
Yesterday at work I was called a mother fucking liberated lesbian. I thought to myself "atleast I have 10 toes you dog fucker."

thursday

I painted the front/entry of my chain link fence. It loooks good!
I hung my clean living room curtains. They look brand new!
I cleaned off my dining room table which was covered with shit from one end to the other. And I cleaned my driveway, because even driveways get dirty.........................................so I did that stuff yesterday. Today I worked.
I left work tonight while there was chaos.
I'm trying to learn to let go, and let the oncoming shift take over..............it's hard for me to do............but I'm getting better at it.

Sat and talked with daughter tonight and lastnight.
We discussed her plans for her senior year next year, and her plans for after high school........................and then we talked about everything else.
She's a good kid. I'm glad I got her for my daughter.

much of the same

I got up early this morning to shower and be dressed for when it would be time to take daughter to school. After I dropped her off I went to Lowes. My goal was to find a temporary fix for the mess I made tearing down the wall in the front yard. I wasn't very successful at finding a fix. So I ended up buying a couple boxes of the old fashioned, fat, Christmas bulb strands used back in the day. Every year I consider buying some, but never did......until now................and as far as the front yard goes, it's just going to have to wait till next spring.
I also went to Sears. I was thinking about buying a leaf blower..........instead I bought some paint for the opening to my chain link fence. It needs a little sprucing up........my goal is to get it done today.........I also plan to bag the leaves that are in a pile on the deck.


We-Ping is not a lap cat. Actually I think she's feral. I found her at my work down 8 feet in a laundry exhaust area................at the time we had multiple feral cats in the yard at my work.........We-Ping is one of their babies.
She's very sensitive to touch, and will only allow us to touch her for a few seconds at a time....................on the other hand, if she initiates the physical contact such as rubbing her head on our feet& ankles, the contact will last some of the time for several minutes. Or if she's sleeping I can sneak kisses, rub my face in her soft fur, and pet her.
She has never jumped on my lap just to nap or to be petted. She's never jumped on to my lap period......until today.
When I pulled in  the driveway this morning after my trip to Lowes and Sears We-Ping ran from the deck to my car..........she almost always meets me at my car when I come home and then follows me up the deck steps and inot the house. So I'm sitting in the car in my driveway with my car door opened and I'm just sitting there lost in my thoughts........We-Ping jumped into the car and then up on my lap. She didn't sit.......she just stood there for a second looking at me and then she jumped out of the car.
It made me smile. Pets can be theraputic. We should all have one.

ps

it's been three and a half months since i've smoked a cigarette.

tuesday

 I took daughter to school this morning. On the way down our hill a 4 point buck was on his way up the hill. I thought back to when my father-n-law passed away.
 About a week or so after my father-n-law died, I was in my mother-n-laws kitchen helping her with the dishes.
She smiled and told me to look out the window to her back yard. I looked out the window and was surprised to see 2 deer. She was positive it was a sign from my father-n-law and her mother letting her know that they were ok.
Eight years later my mother-n-law died. I was at my kitchen sink a day or two after the funeral looking out over my backyard. Three deer were standing at my gate. I'd lived here around nine years at the time of her death and had never seen a deer in my yard or neighborhood before or after that day. I felt it was my father/mother-n-law and, my mother-n-laws mother, letting me know they were ok.
So today while driving down my street and seeing that buck walk up the street I thought of Joel. ......... I felt like he was letting me know he would be ok.
I felt comforted.

I washed my living room windows and window seals today. I also washed my living room curtains. I cleaned the living room storm door..................and the hallway mirror.........and with boyfriends help I managed to rake all of my front lawn, bag the leaves, and mow 3/4 of the front lawn before the lawnmower died. I also raked the deck, but have yet to bag those leaves.
I feel good for having accomplished a little bit of something.

monday

I did next to nothing today.
Took daughter to school, and picked her up from school..............the rest of the day was spent on the couch watching tv, and I took a nap in my bed............I'd get up to go to the bathroom and think to myself as I passed the dining room, or the kitchen, or the living room, how I should take the curtains down and wash them.......................or wash the wall behind the refrigerator, or clean the woodwork in the bathroom......or rake the yard..............instead I'd just go back to the bed/couch.
I don't feel depressed. I feel tired and unmotivated.

sunday

I worked all weekend.
It was fun.
One of the nurses the new owners brought over from a facility they closed
works with me.
We have become the best of work friends and usually have a good time at work............or
support each other on days when things are chaotic.

I'm off work the next 3 days.
I think I'll start my holiday cleaning and organizing..................maybe.

Bubba is doing well.
His doctors are astounded by his ongoing recovery, or so I've been told.
He is talking & walking. His cognitive processes are intact..........he's only able/allowed  to have thickened water .......no food or any other drink yet..............he is is craving a large glass full of cold orange juice......so hopefully someday soon he can have his orange juice.........

I was pleased when I heard that my sons went to Joels (the young guy who died from an air embolism) dads house this afternoon to cook and have dinner with him. He goes to my sons baseball games and invited them to dinner.
Maybe it brings him comfort being around the guys who grew up with his son.

tuesday

I've worked 30 hours the past 2 days.
I'm tired and my feet hurt.
 I'm off of work though for the next 3 days. So     Yay!

Daughter is sleeping on the living room floor.
She went to see "Paranormal"  this past  weekend........and now she's afraid to sleep upstairs in her bedroom!

I don't have many plans for my 3 days off of work.
I do want to do a little work around my moms house if she needs me to........

It just started raining............like a terrential rain.............so for now I'm going to go to the couch........open the window behind the couch............turn off the light............ lay there & listen to the rain.......maybe drift off to sleep. :O)

mom

It's a beautiful, crisp, sunny day. The sky is blue and the trees are colored with red, gold, and orange leaves.
When I was a young girl my sisters and I would call a day like this "one of those days."
A day like this is a good thing.  :O)

My mom is back home today.
They transfused her a 2nd time and that time her counts stayed up.
So home she went..I spent yesterday with her at the hospital.
She seemed in good spirits..........it would be easy to be depressed and full of self pity while
dealing with chronic illness......................she's not.                             
She is funny.
She is loving.
She is giving.

friday

Just got in from work.
I've worked 30 hours the past 2days.....But
I have the weekend off. So     Yay!

Tomorrow morning I'm going to the hospital with my sister to see my mom.
She had some more bleeding, was transfused, and then admitted because her counts are still dropping.
I've "visited" with her via the telephone the past couple days from work.
But I really want to see her and give her a hug.

My front yard STILL looks like shit.
But boyfriend did some concrete work in the side yard.........so atleast the side yard looks better.

I just hugged and kissed We-Ping my cat. I'm allergic to cats and dogs......and so  I'm sneezing and all snotty nosed. Sometimes though I just can't resist!
Her new bed is my middle sons old video chair, in middle sons old bedroom. Now
 we refer to it as We-Pings room.

I'm going to bed now.
Good night.

this n that

I was off of work today.
I drove by a thousand houses to check out
landscaping ideas.
I'm going to have to bust a move soon and do
something with my front yard.
It looks like shit.

I drove by "Dudes" house today.
He's the guy who while driving uninsured, and on a suspended
drivers license, wrecked into my son..........and then instead of calling 911 for help for my son,
he called his girlfriend/wife to tell her to come get him.
He's in no legal trouble for running over my son...........
I guess the police aren't going to go after him..........they'll pick him up for something else, and then
see the warrent from this case.............he'll just walk again..........

sunday

I'm off work the next 3 days. Yay!

saturday

So yesterday with boyfriends help daughters bathroom got a new toilet, and is so close to having a sink and vanity ready to use...........................we tried to put in a new ceiling light fixture but, ......the electrical shit in the old fixture is fucked up and we don't know how to unfuck it.
Boyfriends son is an electrician who lives 900 miles away..........hopefully he can guide us through the unfucking process via the telephone.
I had some pretty white curtains packed away in my closet.
I dyed them to match the blue decorative design on the BR  floor.
They turned out cute!

The front yard is still a mess.
I'll get to it           eventually.

My new medicine is helping, I think.
Or it could be that I'm feeling better because I stopped taking the anti anxiety med.
Or maybe I'm just having a good day. We'll see.

friday

So it takes me awhile lately to complete projects around the house.
I work on them when I feel like it, or I sleep.
Yesterday I slept.
The day before yesterday I shopped for the toilet and vanity for
daughters bathroom.
The toilet was $118.00 on sale for $28.00 at Lowes.
I was thrilled. I had budgeted 100.00 bucks for a toilet. So Yay!
The vanity is a double door white thingy............and I got a pretty beveled mirror for
above the sink.
 I might spend the day working on the BR.
And then there's the front yard area where the wall was tore down that
still needs work.
I might work in the yard instead of the BR..............................................................and then there's always the possibility that I'll spend the day in bed watching tv and sleeping.

Daughter took her drivers test yesterday.
She passed with flying colors.
It's a really big day when you get your drivers license.
So yay for daughter!

fuck em

Today is one of my off days.
I could do a million things but
I'm thinking I'll just go back to bed.

I've been unusually vocal about anything I might be feeling at any given moment. Always the peace keeper in the past, and now if I feel it, I speak it.
I'm not making too many people happy.


I went to my doctor yesterday. I told him that the anti-depressant
he prescribed for me several weeks ago wouldn't allow me to sleep plus it gave me the chills and restless legs.
He prescribed a different anti-depressant.
 I know there are many people out there with Tom Cruise like opinions
about taking antidepressants.           Fuck em.
It's my life.
I'm not a massicast.I've met people who have been depressed all their lives. They're either massicasts, or they're ignorant.
If it will help (and I know it will because i've been a nurse for atleast 20 years and i've seen it help) I will take it!

this n that

It's beautiful outside today though chilly.
My plan is to hang my new shutters, and work on
the area where I tore
down the brick wall.

I need to have a yard sale......and was going to do it today, but boyfriend told
me to plan it first. I get carried away some of the time................so I guess I'll plan the damn thing.

After my sons move some crap for me out of the dining room and living room
I can start tearing out carpeting, and staining woodwork.
I need to get going though because
I want it finished before Thanksgiving.

My sister had a breast reduction.
She went from a 34dd to a 34 c.
Keep in mind she's only 5'2 and weighs about 109.
She came over last evening to ask me to
look at her breasts.
She's concerned because the right breast has more swelling
than the left .......the swelling is causing dimpling in the right breast and of course makes the right breast look bigger.
When all's said and done, I think they look great,  young, and perky..........it was time for those
ugly 34dd's to hit the road!
My new nick name for her is TittyGirl.

PS...................there was an investigation at my work by the State concerning the death of a patient. The patients family member asked them to investigate.
I was notified that the investigation was taking place as I was barn looking with boyfriend..........I had to pull to the side of a country road to talk to my bosses, bosses, boss................and to then speak with the state investigator.
  
The investigation was stressful. I was scared................and then I was just plain old angry. Wish I could say more about what went on, but I can't.
The complaints were unsubstantiated.........................and Friday my administrator told me I did an excellent job in dealing with said residents acute illness and subsequent death............state thought so too.


And this has nothing to do with the investigation. It happened the day before the investigation started....... I was offered the asst director of nursing position. But only until December/our state inspection. I did it last year.............and we had a pretty great inspection.
This year though.....
I turned it down.
I don't want the responsibility.
I want to do my job and go home.

I want a simple, calm, uncomplicated life. That's not always what I get, but it's what I want......taking an adon position would not allow for what i want and need....

and then last but not least..............Bubba is in a rehab hosp. ...........he is awake and off the respirator........for now that's all i'm going to say.........except for that I love him.......

bad teachers

I woke up this morning thinking about Mr. B.
He was a substitute teacher at the high school I attended. I liked him. He seemed nice, and funny.
One day I stayed after school for some activity........after the activity
I headed to the bus stop a block away from my school. While walking up the sidewalk, Mr. B
pulled up and offered me a ride home.
I politely told him no, but thanks. He parked his car, got out of the car, and jogged a little to catch up to me.
He again asked if he could drive me home. I told him no.
He was persistant....he even argued all the reasons I should allow him to drive me home........at some point he demanded I get in his car.
I was afraid. But I knew I could out run him, and I had the benefit of being on a busy city street.
Eventually he gave up trying to get me in his car.............and he went away.
 He'd still show up at our school on occasion to teach, but he wouldn't look at me, and never spoke to me again. Fuck him.
So for whatever reason, I woke this mnorning thinking of him...............................and from there I thought of my third grade teacher.
She was young and hip. She had all the great clothes................and drove a convertible, yellow VW bug..............I was her pet...........so was my friend Lisa.
Luckily we were her pets.
We could have been like a boy named Tom.
He too was in our 3rd grade class.
He was an unkept kid who wore torn, old, hand me down clothes.
He looked dirty.......may not have been, but he loooked it............... I don't remember ever seeing him playing with another child. I just remember him being alone, and abused.
Even today I think of Tom and feel sad for him.
He was Ms Third Grade's beating post.
Atleast weekly she'd call him to the front of the class,
have him bend & hold his ankles.................and then she'd paddle him with the block of woood...............
if she didn't beat his ass, literally, she'd grab hold of his fingers, turn his hand palm side up, and beat it with a ruler.
She enjoyed humiliating, and physically hurting him. She liked watching him cry.
Week after week the rest of us would watch her unleash her anger on him.
I still wish I could apologize to him for not being his friend...............and for not telling someone what was happening .............................................I think about him on occasion and hope he's having a good life.

bubba

Grand Jury To Consider Boone County Beating Case




Joseph Pierce Police described a brutal beating in court today that has left a Boone County man unconscious for more than a week.



Joseph Pierce faces first degree assault charges for what police say was his routine... drinking and picking fights.



(My nephew) is in intensive care with multiple skull fractures. His friend, , is awaiting surgery for a broken cheekbone.



Local 12's Joe Webb was in the courtroom today.



Bubbas  family says they aren't sure what the future holds for George. They say doctors tell them he has some brain damage from the beating he took outside a Hebron bar ten days ago. The man, police say, beat him and a friend is still locked up and his case is now headed to a Boone County Grand Jury.



In cuffs and shackles, Joseph Pierce listened as Detective Tracy Watson described a brutal beating outside the Briarwood reception hall. She says Bubba and friend were leaving at closing time when Pierce made a crack about Bubba's long, blonde hair. Watson says Bubba threw no punches and tried to walk away, but Pierce hit him and knocked him to the ground.



Det. Tracy Watson, Boone County Sheriff's Office: "Witnesses say, then Mr. Bubba fell to the ground, Mr. Pierce jumped on him, stomping and kicking him repeatedly about the head and face and chest area."



The detective says, by the time two people pulled Pierce off of him, Bubba had suffered 3 skull fractures, a collapsed lung and four fractures to his eye socket. She says doctors removed a piece of his skull to relieve pressure on his brain.



Tonight on Local 12 Live at 6 pm, we'll talk to Bubba's parents who just can't believe how their lives changed so quickly.



Boone County District Judge Michael Collins bound the case over to the grand jury. Joseph Pierce is being held in the Boone County Jail on 50-thousand dollars bond.

Glenn, R U still around???

When I saw this I said to my boyfriend "Ut oh! I wonder what Glenn would say.

stone fencing

Stone fence built before the Civil war by Irish Masons?
The picture doesn't do it justice..............

vaca homes?

Choices for future vacation home.............one comes with it's own swimming spot.

farm animals

I love the picture of the cows..........I love cows, PERIOD!
I think they're big, cute, and they mind their own business.

barn art

More tobacco drying in the barn.
Tha painting over the barn door is called a Barn Quilt..........it seems to be all the rave out in the county.

barns

The barn in the middle is filled with tobacco hanging and drying.

barns

The view behind barn #3
is absolutley beautiful. The flag on barn #2 is a cool touch I think.

our day

Boyfriend woke me early this morning to see if I still wanted to go barn looking.............I did want to go........I wanted a day away from my recent reality.........I was giving myself permission to get away, to have some fun, and some time to decompress.
So we showered, had coffee, took daughter to school, and then away we went to barn land.
I was excited...........

In the following blogs I'll post pictures from our day................I don't know how to get them all in this post......

old barns and pollyanna

I love barns....always have......like the way they look.....the way they smell.................when I was a young girl I remember taking long rides in the country with my dad. We'd stop to explore old barns, and abandoned houses.
They held mysteries..........I loved trying to figure it out...to put together the picture/story of the family who used to live there.........and exploring the barns for treasures....there was always one to be found.......even if it was just a page from an old book.
I'm going to ask boyfriend if he'll spend the day with me tomorrow looking at barns.

They attempted to wake Bubba from a drug induced sleep but turned back because Bubs heart rate went crazy.
My boys, and my exhusband believe Clinton will wake and be the same as before. And the Pollyanna part of me tells me "Well! It's possible!"
For now I'm trying really hard to ignore the logical, practical part of my thinking.......I hear it, but I'm just going to go ahead with what Pollyanna is saying until/if that bubble bursts.

Big Eared Pierce not worth a dime?

I was driving home from taking daughter to school this morning feeling optimistic about the day ahead of me. I was actually in the mood to clean & was planning in my head what room to start with first............I was also thinking about the big H.S.. football game tonight. The winner of the game gets to take to their school "The Bell" and have the year and their teams name engraved on it. It's been 11 years since our team has taken the bell.........the buzz this year though is that we're gonna take it..................................so while thinking about cleaning and the big game, Bubba came to mind......and I thought about how he's in that hospital bed with his skull cap off. I choked back tears....(it's stupid to choke back tears when you're alone in a car. I mean what's the point?)................but it made my heart and stomach ache even more........I opted to just let go  and cry.............................. then I remembered how big eared, ugly, mother fucker is sitting in jail because apparently, and this is just my opinion, but apparently Big Eared Uglies family doesn't think he's worth the $5000.00 it would take to get him out of jail.  The thought of him  sitting in jail gave me pleasure.

When I got home from taking daughter to school I made a couple loafs of banana bread.......one with walnuts, one with walnuts and cranberries. The cheerleaders are having a bake sale today.
It looks and smells pretty good.

Son got home from work lastnight around 1am. He was running the vacuum at 2.............:O)

thursday

I went shopping today. I bought some serving bowls for Thanksgiving dinner, and cloth napkins.
I also bought a new table cloth for the dining room table, and candles.

I bought a book to read if I can't sleep tonight. It's "The Book Of Bright Ideas." Looks like it might be pretty good.

I callled my oldest son this evening while he 's at work.I left a message on his phone telling him that he is to come home from work tonight and clean his room............that would include bringing his dirty dishes upstairs to the kitchen sink.......putting his dirty towels in the laundry, picking up all his dirty clothes, changing his bed linens ect.
His room looks disgusting.
I had to go in his room to get to a storage room to get my Halloween decorations. I wasn't nosing around.
I also left a message telling him to get up earlier than usual tomorrow because I expect him to mow the lawn before he goes to work.
When he moved back home he agreed he'd cut the grass for me every weekend. It's all I asked from him............well that and for him to start saving some money.  He has missed cutting the grass the past 2 weekends.              Pisses me off. He should live up to his responsibilities...............and he's more than old enough to clean up after hisself. What the fuck?!
 I want it done, and I want it done tomorrow........ that's what I told him.

I went to Lowes today and picked out carpeting for my living rm, dining rm., and hallway.
I couldn't decide on a color. It's between Cheyenne Rock and Light Chocolate. We'll see.

Nothing new to report about Bubba.
I was looking at the picture of the guy who attacked him. He's one ugly, big eared, dumb looking mother fucker!

dude needs to pay the piper

So I ended up sleeping away the day.
I got out of bed at 4pm...................I called the police to tell them that the guy who ran over my son, and who has a bench warrent, lives at the same address as the one on the police report......and that he continues to drive the off white cadillac seville even though he is uninsured and has a suspended license.
I reminded them that he's had a warrent since August 18th.............and I let them know that one of their own cops lives 2 doors down from Dude. I expressed my irritation that they've yet to arrest him. Granted I know it's not like a serial murder case. But Dude hurt my son while breaking the law............... and then broke it again. The Mother Fucker needs to pay the Piper......
I also called the DMV today to report that Dude is using Ohio tags while living in Kentucky. That  means he's not paying Kentucky property tax. Ohioans do not paY property tax on their vehicles............The DMV gave me a number to call in Frankfort Ky. to report Dude..........and so I did report him....finally........it felt good. He's gonna be fucked and that makes me happy.

wed

I just ate  a half dozen homemade chocolate chip cookies.
My son has bronchitis and strep throat.
I made the cookies for him to make him feel better and was planning on dropping them off
to him at his dads house.
Luckily I made 2 dozen.

Not sure what I'm going to do today.
I'm thinking about doing some work in the yard.
I think I'm going to have to build a wall to replace
the wall we recently knocked down/dug out.
Boyfriend says I don't need to build a wall & that
he doesn't understand my logic.
I told him he doesn't understand my logic, or where I'm coming from because he is NOT
a woman......nor was he ever a single parent. So
I broke it down for him.
I think he's biting his tongue.
It's
about time someone else does.

I'm still a smoker who no longer smokes.
I'm not sure how long it's been..........I'm thinking it's been 10-12 weeks.

My nephew Bubba has pneumonia in both of his lungs.
He's still on life support.
They have him under an alias..................and he has a guard outside
his hosp. room.
The hosp. is only allowing his mother, my middle son, his sister, his father and one aunt to visit. PERIOD.
The rest of the family gets info. from the visiting family members.
I just want to hug him, and tell him I love him. I want our Bubba back..........so
I pray from the bottom of my soul, I hope with all of my heart, and I wish with all of my might.
 It's all that I know to do.

funeral day

The funeral for Joel, our family friend who passed away Friday was yesterday.
He was 23.............way too young to die ......................................his family had a "graveside" service though he was creamated, and not buried.
The pain on his fathers face broke my heart. When he told me though how the boys who grew up with Joel had been coming to his apartment daily since Joel died, and cooking with Joels dad to pass the time...........made me smile.........made him smile to.
When his younger brother hugged me and said "I love you" to me I felt so incredibly sad, and helpless.
The Christmas gift I gave to Joel 5 years ago(a picture of all the boys who grew up together in our neighborhood) was on display with other photos at the funeral. Joels mother pointed to the "gift" picture
and told me it was one of Joels few possessions.
I cried.....
We hugged.......................and I wondered to myself how she was managing to survive. I doubt I could do it.

assholes

Contact:Tom Scheben, SpokesmanPublic Information Services859.334.3543tscheben@boonecountyky.org
September 28, 2009
On September 27, 2009 at 12:40 a.m. investigators arrested a Hebron, Kentucky man for the brutal, unprovoked attack of two men in the parking lot of The Briarwood, a reception hall/bar located in the 2100 block of Petersburg Road, which occurred some 22 hours earlier.
George Carmac III, 27 of Southgate, Kentucky was found unconscious in the parking lot by an employee on September 26, 2009 at 4:30 a.m. Carmac was taken to Saint Elizabeth Hospital (Florence) and then transferred to University Hospital where he underwent surgery for his life-threatening injuries. Carmac’s friend, Josh Lindsay, 27 of Hebron, Kentucky was also treated at University Hospital for his injuries.
Detectives who were called out on the case Saturday morning worked throughout the day and evening gathering facts. Their investigation led them back to The Briarwood where they located and arrested Joseph Pierce, 22 of Hebron, Kentucky for two (2) counts of Assault 1st degree, a class B felony punishable by 10–20 years in the state penitentiary. Pierce is lodged in the Boone County Detention Center in lieu of a $50,000 bond.
While the case is still under investigation, detectives believe Carmac and Linsday were attacked by Pierce and others as they walked out of the bar. Pierce continued to kick both men in the head after they were down.
###
View photo of Mr. Pierce
Printable Copy
Site Map ©2008 Boone County Fiscal Court

sunday

I can't sleep.
I'm tried but am too restless.

I just wrote a letter to daughters school principal.
I'm pissed at one of daughters teachers, wrote her a note......didn't like her response, so I wrote this guy..............................................I've decided I will no longer bite my tongue. Not just when it comes to daughters school...........but in all areas of my life.
I will be more assertive.
I will no longer worry whether or not people like me. Because that's usually the reason I keep my mouth shut. I'm worried people won't like me. Not so much anymore. I really just don't give a shit anymore.
If I have something to say, I'm going to say it.

I don't know if anyone reads this blog.
If you do....... would you do me a favor and say a little prayer for Clinton?
Thank you.

Sunday

I slept in today because I didn't want to face the world. My nephew by marriage is on life support.
While sleeping in I dreamt that older sister and I moved into an apartment
I lived in with my ex-husbnad before buying this house.
In the dream I was excited to be back at the apartment but gave no thought to having lived there with my exhusband. I think in the dream I had lived there by myslef.
I remember feeling very happy/excited about showing my sister around the building, and telling her about it's history.....(the building was a mansion built in the 1800's by a guy who made whiskey)............................and in the dream, 2 gay guys who were in a rock band named Piecies, lived upstairs from us, and I knew they'd become our best friends. I was excited about the future.
I woke and felt greatful that my phone hadn't rung through the night.
I knew it meant my nephew was still alive.

Son just left my bedroom. He told me the detectives have a guy in custody. He tells the following story to the police.
Apparently my nephew and his friend were leaving a bar.
A group of maybe 4 guys were outside the bar.
They called my nephew Goldilocks.
He has pretty,curly, blond hair.
Nephew and his friend ignored the guys and continued their
walk to nephews friends truck...............as they made it to the truck 2 of the 4 guys
jumped them...................they left nephews friend in the truck knocked out, and after nephew was knocked to the ground, they kicked him in the face and head multiple times.................nephew and friend laid there unconscious for several hours..........nephews brain was swelling. The breathing center of his brain is damaged,..............the frontal portion of his brain is also damaged..........he has multiple facial fractures, will lose an eye and his lung is damaged.......all because he has curly blond hair......................................................the neurologist has told my family, and my nephews family that most people with nephews injuries die. They've removed two pieces of skull to allow for swelling...........
I keep praying to and begging God to let him live, and to let his brain recover/heal...............................I don't know what else to do.
My heart hurts....it aches in my chest and in my stomach....................... my nephew, Bubba is what we call him, and what we've called him since he was a little guy in diapers........his real name is George Clinton.........he's an electrician.........one of the most polite, respectful, young guys I've ever known. A great person who would never hurt another human.
Maybe we need to teach our children it's okay to hurt another person if they're hurting you first...........not raise them to be so respectful and polite that they don't know when to tell an asshole to go fuck themselves..........or if someone hits you in the head, you hit them in the head, harder.
Maybe turning the other cheek isn't such a great thing to teach.
Where was God while my was nephew was turning the other cheek?

friday

A family friend died today.
He was a friend to my sons.
His mother and I would take turns having my 2 sons and my daughter spend the night at her house and then her 2 sons and daughter would spend the night at my house...................the kids have known each other most of their lives.............they lived down the street from us most of that time....................their oldest son started abusing pills from his fathers medicine cabinet a few years ago, atleast that's what the boys have told me.........................slowly all the guys that grew up with him, including my sons, pulled away from him. Like most addicts, he became a liar and a thief. They still loved the friend they knew, but they didn't like the person he had become.
I ran in to him a year and a half or two years ago. We chatted for several minutes. I told him that when he was ready to quit drugs he could call me and I would help. He smiled and agreed. I actually believed that someday he would call....................instead he is dead from an apparent air embolism introduced while shooting dope into his vein.
I've been crying on and off since 5:30 this morning. I keep wishing I could turn back the clock so that I can stop all of this from happening. I want him to be alive. I want him to have the time to pull his life together, to get the help he neeeds........to be able to be the big brother he was born to be. I keep thinking of his younger brother and how he used to look up to this guy................and how in the past couple years he has pretended not to care or worry about his older brother even though he really did with all of his heart........................I cry everytime I think about him..................I know he's hurting like never before. There's nothing to be done to make things better.
I just can't believe this has happened. I would do just about anything to change it.
I am so pissed at God right now.................

thursday

I have to work a 12 hour shift tomorrow.
I wish I was off so I could go to the homecoming day parade.
It's important to my daughter. So it's important to me too.

I will be off though Homecoming night. So I"ll be there while she gets dressed for the big dance.................after the dance several of her friends are coming here to build a big camp fire and camp out in our backyard. It should be fun for them. :O)

I worked 14 hours today........and to boot, the air conditioning in our building was down..........I feel grubby and tired.

My 10 y/o nephew has the Swine flu. I'm worried sick even though I know he'll be ok........he should be ok, huh?

And then my 2nd oldest sister looks like a walking skeleton. She looks worse than she looked several months ago.
I called her and asked her if she has hiv, cancer, an eating disorder, or if she's using drugs................she said no to all of my choices.
She's lying.
I feel helpless.

please learn the 1st time

It's been 7 weeks since son was hit while riding his motorcycle.

He was released this week to go back to work...............and is walking some of the time without his crutches.

I love him.
I'm mad at him.
He's thinking about getting another bike.

promises, promises

If you buy me new carpeting I promise to keep my stuff off the floor!

my kitty

We-Ping across the street in the neighbors truck.
I guess she's just relaxing.

little treasures found, and my gift to the cheerleaders

Babydoll, and T-Ball I found in the yard where I tore down the ugly brick wall............and the skeleton cheerleaders I made to put in the gift bags. The white boxes have necklaces I made for the girls, and the flowered bags are filled with candy.

son hung the new side screen door.............and boyfriend put the new light fixture up.

pond and mums

the fish pond is a work in progress. so don't laugh. brother-in-law has given me some plants to use to keep it clean. i've covered it with chicken wire to keep the coons out.
I've placed pots with Mums on my deck and on the front porch.
I think they're pretty. :O)

new stuff

my gnomes and cat figurine thingy
bought at Sears.
I especially love the cat.

yetanothermanmurderedhiswifeand5childrenmakesmesick

So the name of one of our local hospitals is Christ Hospital.
One of the doctors from Christ Hosp. called me at work the other day.
The new receptionist pages me and this is what she says......."Sandy, Christ is parked on line one. Christ is parked on line one." Cracked me up. :O)

The racoons stole the gold fish from my pond..........maybe it was an opossum, or perhaps the neighbors cat?

I've been doing lots of work around the yard the last week or so................when we knocked down the ugly brick wall that sat just below the front porch I found one of my sons official T-Balls........it was filthy.......looks brand new since I've cleaned it.............and while removing some old wood from under the side of the deck I found one of daughters dolls. It hair was filled with little pea size dirt balls. I've shampooed it numerous times..........it looks better but not too great.............and under the porch I found an old McDonalds happy meal toy.................................................................................at one time I had stored in my attic space boxes and boxes full of sons and daughters old toys. I packed away the ones loved most by the kids...........and all the stuff that held special meaning/memories for me.
All of the boxes were taken from my house and given to a thrift store without my permission.
So when I find a tea pot under the floor of daughters old backyard playhouse, or hotwheels in a suitcase in the crawl space off sons old bedroom......it thrills me.

I'm making gift bags for the girls that cheer on the squad with my daughter. Most of the mothers take a turn making gift bags for the girls for before a game, or they bring cold drinks or fruit for the girls for after a practice.
I like making the gift bags. I'm a dork I guess because I think it's fun to come up with cute ideas...................this year I've made each of the girls a necklace..............................................and a skeleton cheerleader magnet...........I'll take pictures..............they turned out really cute!

thisworldisfuckedup

I'm trying to talk boyfriend in to going to Lowes with me to get daughters new vanity and toilet..........so far he is saying it's too early to be lifting all that heavy stuff (rolling my eyes)................................................................................................

I ordered daughters class ring.
It has the schools team name, and a picture of the mascot on the right side..........and then a magnaphone and pom pom with the year 2011 on the left side..............the stone is red since that's one of her school colors................and then I have her full name engraved on the inner side of the band..................she wanted a traditional ring......so it's what we got. I think it's going to be nice.
I ordered it from a company different than who the school is using. The EXACT same ring purchased through the school was $77.oo more than what I paid. So Yay!

The couch is calling my name. So I'll either nap away the day, or I'll shop, work in the bathroom, and work in the yard.

dormgangrapeyalestudentfounddead&stuffedinwall

Today is my off day. So is tomorrow and the next day. So........Yay!
I worked 16 hours yesterday. Was supposed to work 12 but it was impossible to get it all finished without working extra hours.
So screw it. I'll probably be in trouble.

I had a meeting today at daughters school. I'll tell more about that at another time..................and then I had a quick insurance meeting at work.

When daughter got home from school she decided she wanted to return the dress we bought for her homecoming...............she says it's too tight......................so back to Dillards we went where she tried on another dozen dresses.............................found one she loves............it was $65 cheaper than the first dress. Needless to say I was thrilled.........................PLUS.......I actually like this dress. So.......yay!

I put in my fish pond. Really have know idea what I'm doing. I guess I'll learn as I go......right now it has 7 gold fish. I like watching them...........my brother-n-law has a great backyard pond. He told me to buy lilly pads for keeping the pond clean without having to use a filter. So I'll give it a try.

I've had this brick wall/ flower bed thing in my front yard just below my front porch. It's been there since I bought the house.
I hate it and always have hated it....................but for whatever reason have just lived with it.........until now.............I knocked that mother fucker down a few days ago..............had to dig for hours first............and then with ehlp from boyfriend.....down came the wall. WooHoo! Now I have to figure out what to do with the big, bare, ugly area......................................

Daughter finished painting her bathroom.............so hopefully in the next day or so boyfriend will help me put in the new vanity and toilet.

sunnyday

Sears had a great sale yesterday.
Their yard gnomes, yard art, and yard decorations were marked way down AND they took an additional 50% 0ff the sale price................one of the items original price was 40 bucks. I got it for seven. The gnomes were marked down from 14.99 to 2.50. I bought two...............and then I got this metal cat originally priced at 24.00...........I got him for 6 bucks. I was lovin it!

Boyfriend and I took daughter to Dillards yesterday to shop for a Homecoming dress. She bought the most expensive dress in the store. I'm having a severe case of buyers remorse..................and to top it off I wish I atleast liked the dress.
When she tried the dress on she says to me "Now in this I feel beautiful!" After that comment, I didn't know how to say NO.

Boyfriend told me that our new neighbor complimented me on our deck. It really does look good since I stained it......so yay again!

I'm going to work in my yard today.
I think I'm going to put in a mini fish pond..........and I bought a bunch of mums yesterday. I need to get them planted.

I went to my sisters new house yesterday............it's the one next door to the house I'm waiting to buy......................they're not living in it yet.............just gutting and re-doing it............it looks great what they've done so far.
The lady living in "my" house is holding out.........she's not allowing her nephew to push her around. Good for her! He needs to back the fuck up and leave her the fuck alone. That's her house. That's her life. When she's dead or too demented to know better than to walk down the street naked........then he can take over.

It's been almost 10 weeks since I quit smoking.
13 days after quitting smoking I was able to come off my blood pressure medicine.
Between the cost of the cigarettes, and the 50 bucks per month for the blood pressure medicine, I'm saving a fortune.

I dreamt the other night that I was smoking a cigarette.......and I was enjoying that mother fucker........I think it's typical for quitters to dream they're smoking. I wonder if it's typical for people who quit smoking to start cursing. It seems to be my new habit.........it's tacky when people curse and talk the way I've been doing................but I have to tell you it feels so good..............so for now, it's what I'll do.

friday

My side door is on and it looks good. So yay!

Boyfriend is back from Denver.......

This week I've had to buy daughters cheerleading pictures, class ring, junior class pictures.........................still have to buy her homecoming dress which is in 2 weeks............and school fees are due...........................................................is it legal for public schools to charge a school fee? I thought we paid taxes to support the public schools.

I got a parking ticket a couple days ago at work.
I've paRKED in the same parking spot, for the most part, for the past 9 years without a problem............until now.

My breasts hurt.
A couple weeks after stopping smoking my doctor discontinued my blood pressure medicine.
I don't need it anymore.................it had a diuretic in it which prevented breast soreness when I was PMS.
Well without the medicine my breasts feel full, and sore. I guess I'm weird cause I like the way it feels.

monday

It's raining in Ky. It hasn't rained here since I water proofed/stained the deck. I went outside to check it out. The water was in beads......... so the water proofing is working. :O)



I'm off work for the next 3 days. A benefit for the 12 hour shifts..........which usually end up turning into 14 hour shifts.............but anyway, 3 days off.........so I'm happy.



Boyfriend is in Denver and has been for several days. He's visiting his family. I know he was missing his grown sons. He should visit them more often.

We-Ping was aggressive with me this morning. She bit my leg. I actually bled. The only reason for her aggression that I can think of is that she misses boyfriend. He spoils her........feeds her like a pig.......and they nap together. Little fuckers.



Oldest son promised me he'd put up my new side screen door today.

If he doesn't get to it, I'm going to start charging him money to live here..............



Boyfriend had mentioned several times me going to the grave to visit my dead best friend. I like going to graveyards to see the old graves........I don't like going to see graves of people I love..............but boyfriend kept bringing it up.....................It hit me that boyfriend thought my depression may have had something to do with Chuck dying...........it doesn't...........but I'm sure it's what he was thinking.........and maybe he thought that visiting Chucks grave would some how help me.................... I'm sure he's feeling a little helpless & grasping at straws............so we went to the graveyard last week............I was a little saddened to find that my friend doesn't have a headstone..................and I'm about 99% sure his family has no intentions of getting him one. He deserves one. He was a part of this earth..............

He'd get me one. I'll get him one.



I'm tired and am going to take a nap now. Goodnight.

monday

I finally finished water proofing/staining the deck. It looks way good. So YAY!

Oldest son is on vacation this week........I'm kind of hoping that he'll hang the new shutters I bought...........there's only 6.......how long could it take?............and I'm also hoping he'll hang the new kitchen screen door. I bought a cheap one last summer.......it fell apart.........I invested in a more expensive one.........hopefully son will hang it for me.

I told daughter that she needs to paint her bathroom. I put on the first coat. I explained to her that I'm tired and won't be doing the second coat.

After finishing the deck I worked around the yard for a couple hours..................felt good to be up and about again.................I don't know if it's the medicine the doctor has me on, or if i'm through with physical withdrawl.........but i'm starting to feel more like a normal person.

friday

It was a crazy, manic, busy work day.
While posting doctor orders, charting, filing, and working my wat through the 25 charts on the desk in front of me, I answered the work phone. It took me about 30 seconds to realize it was a head hunter. I was BUSY! YOU KNOW? Like overwhelmed, knot in the stomach, how am I ever gonna get done, busy! So after realizing it was a head hunter I hung up on her. I resent that they even bother calling. She called back. I answered........she says "we must have been cut off." I said nope, I was busy and so I hung up. She says " That was rude. You could have just told me you were busy!" So I said "I'm busy" and hung up on her again.
Being a bitch feels good some of the time.

thur

Worked a 14 hour day today.
I still have a bunch of paper work to catch up on tomorrow.

Looking forward to the weekend.
I want to finish water proofing and staining the deck.
And of course I still have a second coat of paint to apply to the upstairs bathroom...............not going to stress about it..........i'll get to it when I feel up to it.........

wed

I find that when I blog I want to smoke. I don't, but I really REALLY want to. I'm
hanging in there and continue to be a non-smoker. Who knew it was possible?

Drove past dudes house today.
The guy who lives across the street from dude was outside watering his garden.
I explained to him what happened................and asked him if dude still lived across the street. He said yes.
Tomorrow I'm going to paY neighbor guy to call me next time dude is home. Then I'll call the cops and we'll see what happens.

I water proofed/stained the deck today. Or atleast 3/4 of the deck. I used a Redwood natural tone. It looks pretty good.

tuesday

I just got back from taking daughter to school, and driving past "dudes" house.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to take a nap today.

I'm thinking dude works second shift. His wifes car is usually gone in the afternoon................and he hit my son at around midnight. He told the cops he was on his way home from work. So I'm thinking about staking out his house around noon for a couple hours. If I'm lucky he's still living there........the thing that makes me most angry is thinking about my son lying on the ground dazed, in pain& going in to shock. He asked dude to call help......... dude chose instead to call his wife/girlfriend to come get him "I just hit some dude. Come get me." Not once did he ask my son if he was ok...........not once did he say I'm sorry..........not once did he say even one word of comfort to my son.........................his one and only concern was for himself....................& so............if I find him maybe if I call the police,& since there's a warrent for his arrest, maybe they'll come get him. And I'll also notify the dmv that him and his wife are using an ohio address to get out of paying car property tax. That will cost them around 800 bucks plus a fine............it's the least I can do.

monday

So I continue to take the anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor.
I guess I've been taking it for about 13 days.
I cut the dose he prescribed by 3/4. It was just too strong. It kept me up all night, and then I'd be exhausted, stoned& unfocused all day .........................and to boot, it caused me to yawn constantly, and it gave me chills.
I tried cutting the dose in half, but that was still too much...............so now I'm taking 1/4 of the dose.........I'm not sure if it's helping. I do know I'm sleeping really well at night...........but I also took a 6 hour nap 2 hours after getting out of bed this morning........................I remember waking up last night from a deep sleep, and I remember saying to my self "damn I feel good".........and I did feel really good......
The filter in my brain is working again, and I don't feel as stressed in general............I think it has more to do with getting through withdrawl though, than it has to do with the medicine I'm taking.
I guess I'll just take it as it comes and see how it goes....................

Dude that ran over son and then skipped out on his court date is going to go to jail soon..............I'm keeping an eye out for him.............looking for him.............watching his home ......I swear to you I will find him.........................

saturday

The 12 and 1/2 hour shifts are going okay.
It's just 4 hours more of working without enough staff. No biggie.
Today while at work, and while juggling oh, I don't know......let's just say about 100 different tasks.......I took the time to answer the phone.........we don't have a receptionist on the weekends, and I was waiting on a return call from one of the doctors.
So I answer the phone and am greeted by a polite, seemingly nice guy........and I'm thinking it's one of the doctors in the group of the doctor I had paged.............so I'm having a conversation with this guy and BOOM! It's an obscene phone caller. I told him it would probably serve him best if he spoke to my supervisor. I put him on hold and paged the other nurse to pick up the obscene call parked on one. She did...............but in the mean time I felt myself getting so fucking pisssed for being duped....I was so mad I was beside myself with anger.............I yelled to her...... GIVE ME THE PHONE RIGHT NOW! She did......&........I told that mother fucker off like I've never told another living soul off before. I'm not telling about it because I'm proud of myself.........I'm telling about it because it felt so fucking, orgasmically good to tell that perverted mother fucking, cock sucker off. He gets his nuts off calling nurses and talking dirty. I got my nuts off telling him I was going to rip off his cock and shove it up his nose.
After the obscene phone.........
I went about my business of rolling to the fax to retrieve lab results.................and on my way over to the fax my chair tipped and I ended up flat on my back on the hard, cold, dirty, nurses station floor.
I reassured the other nurse, and the lone visitor walking past that I was ok. I made no move to get up. Told them I was just going to lay there for awhile and reflect a bit.
And so I did.
The End

friday

Daughter had a nice birthday.
She asked me to cook italian sausage with onions and green peppers, corn, and baked beans for her birthday dinner..................and we got her a cute round cake covered in bright, colorful flowers.
Her dad had dinner with us. It always feels a little weird having him and boyfriend together in this house...........it worked out though............I actually enjoyed his company.........................felt like an old friend had come to visit.....................
Him and daughter talked me into allowing daughter to get her belly button pierced........it was pretty obvious they'd been planning their "attack" against me for quite some time.........I thought it was cute.

wed.

Dude who ran over my son had his court date yesterday.
I had to work so couldn't be there. Boyfriend went on my behalf, and my dad also went.
Dude didn't show up. A bench warrent was issued, and a 1500. dollar bond.........It's not so much that I want to hurt the dude........but he wasn't even willing to call 911 for my injured son.........when I think about it, I guess I do want to hurt him.........dumb fuck!

Yesterday was daughters first day back to school.
She was anxious to get back to all of her friends and even to some of the teachers.
Tomorrow is her birthday.
I bought her a digi cam. It's what she asked for. I also got her a necklace. I found it at Kohls and thought it was cute.
Boyfriend and I are taking her out for breakfast tomorrow before school.
We'll give her her presents tomorrow evening.

sunday

It's my weekend off.

I went to bed Friday night and didn't get out of bed

until 8 this morning.

I tried to will myself up and out of bed but just couldn't do it.

After 2 weeks of trying to get pre auth. from my insurance for the anti-depressant, and me calling my doctors office 3 times to tell them that even with pre auth. the medicine will cost me 149.00 a month, money I'm not williing to spend when Wal Mart and Krogers have perfectly good anti-depressants for 4 bucks...............it took them 15 days to finally hear what I was saying...........I suppose he heard.........maybe not because he ended up picking a med that wasn't on wal marts or krogers list............but it will only cost me 10 bucks/month.

So I took the first pill Thursday evening. It made my stomach feel nervous, nauseated, and my mind wouldn't turn off that night. I literally didn't sleep for even a minute.

It was a struggle at work Friday.

I was exhausted. All I could think about was how I couldn't wait to get some sleep.

I finally made it through the day, came home, and slept from Friday to Sunday.

I'm afraid to take another one of those pills.

I'm also afraid not to.



I'm still a non-smoker. I think today makes a month. My doctor tells me I have to go 2 months without smoking to be considered a non-smoker. Fuck him.

august the 12th

Today is my moms birthday.

We don't usually make her a birthday cake because she's diabetic.

Looking back I feel a little guilty because there are so many sugar free recipies we could have used............

Older sister called me and said she wants for each of the five of us to make mom a cake this year .

So I got up early this morning and started cooking. I made a lemon pie. It's sugar free. I didn't know how to make a sugar free cake. The pie looks great.......so I also made one for boyfriend.



Went school clothes shopping yesterday with daughter.

While at the mall we went to Macy's to find my mom a birthday gift.

It's her favorite store and I figured if I couldn't find anything to buy her, I could always get her a gift card.

I ended up finding an interesting looking bracelet. It's full of pretty colors, and has a couple lovely little stones. Daughter thought it would be perfect.......and I thought so too!



While In Macys yesterday my heart was aching.

It was my best friends favorite place to shop.



I'm not sure where a person goes when they die....................yesterday I could feel my friend around me. I talked to him a little................he didn't answer, but I could imagine what he would have said had he been able to tslk to me.

I miss him.

i don't even know what day it is..

Nothing new going on..........son sent flowers to me at work yesterday. It was his way of thanking me for taking care of him after he was run over. Iwas surprised and touched. It was sweet of him.

I slept in until 11:30 am. I forced myself out of bed to go pee, brush my teeth and wash my face. I iced myself a Sprite Zero, and then went back to bed until 5pm. Got up, showered and took daughter to cheerleading practice..........then did a little grocery shopping. I'm killing time till practice is over.

I was in the gas station/store place yssterday. A customer was being a rude bastard to the guy working the counter. Guy working the counter was being a polite reasonable person and was doing what he could to explain to the customer the answer to customers question/concern................customer started some shit about how guy working the register shouldnt be so rude to him.............and he wouldn't let it go.........he was picking a fight......................and that's when I but in and told customer what a rude little fuck he was being.............. I shocked myself. I hadn't planned on saying anything...........it just came out.........like a projectile vomit. And you know how when you vomit you usually feel a little better? That's how I felt, and how I've been feeling when I speak my mind...........it's just that it's not always the right time or place.........................................and I'd like to feel more in control when it happens....rather than be surprised.

SUNDAY

the 12 hour shifts aren't so bad....................unless of course its your childs birthday, or christmas, or maybe you have a cold and can suffer through 8 hours.....but now you have to suffer through 12............


i'll definately enjoy having 4 days off a weeK!












the physical therapy department is always closed by 5pm...................and almost always closed by 4pm..............it's on my unit.........since we've started 12 hour shifts, and after the business office closes, I've been able to spend my break lifting weights, and doing some cardiovascular work out in the therapy rooms. i have it to myself. i love the peace and quiet.

friday

I read the police report today of my motorcyle driving son that was wrecked in to by the cadillac driving, suspended licensed, non- insured dude.
Dude is 45 years old.
I drove by his house. I thought about hitting his car with a baseball bat, or maybe throwing nails under his tires.................he was on the sidewalk when I drove by..........if looks could kill he'd be dead......I drove by a second time.........I wanted so badly to tell him off, curse him out............................but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know if he's the type of loser that carries a gun.
I kept my mouth shut, for now.

I continue to be a non-smoker. But I really do wish I could smoke one.

thursday, right?

Today is middle sons 21st birthday.
He's always been, and will probably always be the most difficult of my children. Some of the time I wonder if he was switched in the hospital nursery.
But I love him just the same.

Boyfriend, daughter, and I are taking middle son out for an early supper. He's been cooped up in my bed and on the couch since his motorcycle wreck. It's time for him to get up & going. He says he feels up to it.............and so there you have it!..................................I made carrot cake (his favorite) for later while at home.
He's always borrowing my digi cam.........................so I bought him one for his birthday gift......also got him a nice shirt and tie for work.
I still look at him and am amazed that he's alive and not paralyzed......(my very first patient while a nursing student was a 19 y/o guy paralyzed after being hit while riding his motorcycle)................and even though I don't really participate in organized religion, I thank God every morning, and every night for not letting my son die.
I hate motorcycles. I refer to them as coffins on wheels. No matter what you say about them, they're dangerous.

monday.....or is it wednesday?

Sister called me at work last evening to let me know mom is back in the hospital due to low blood counts and is being transfused..........................on my way home from work (I wanted to change clothes and clean up before going to the hospital) my 2nd oldest sister called me..........she believes mom is dying. She wants to talk to and treat mom like she might one of her dying patients. Pissed me off. I reminded her mom isn't her patient,
I can't explain it...............................other than to say everything she said to me pissed me off........................and when she brought up Hospice I about blew my top................

OLdest sister called my house the other day. I wasn't home. Boyfriend answered the call. He and sister talked. In their conversation sister told boyfriend how I've always been the strong one of us 5 girls/sisters.
I'm not feeling so strong right now...................I'm usually somewhere between holding back tears, to feeling angry and resentful.
I'm sorry.

ps

i'm still a non smoker

sun

MIddle son is okay.............................................................................at midnight lastnight son was on his way home on his motorcycle. He was sitting at an intersection waiting on the green light........dude coming up behind him didn't see the red light or my son...........he kept right on driving knocking my son off hi9s bike and up in to the air like a basketball............son did a few flip overs in the air...............both his gym shoes went flying 30 yards away in separate directions.........and then son landed on the ground........

The guy who hit son, according to witnesses, pulled over, got out of his car and went over to son...............son remembers asking dude to call 911...................dude called his girlfriend instead to telll her to come get him.....................probably because he was driving with a suspended license, and without insurance..................................3 cars back was an RN........who also happened to be my older sister...........................she got out to help... not knowing it was her nephew who'd just been hit......................

When older sister got to him he was going into shock......................sisters husband ran across the street to where my exhusband, and oldest son are shooting pool.....................they run to the scene of the accident as the life squad is loading up son to take to the trauma center in cincinnati..................................................................................mean while I'm at home with daughter and boyfriend.....................................I've taken the first of the anti anxiety pills doctor prescribed for me earlier in the day............i'm in bed and have just dozed off...........daughter is standing beside my bed shoving the phone at me saying brother has to talk to you.....................I answer the phone, still a little groggy and confused until I hear oldest son telling me to get over to the trauma unit, life squad is on its way with middle son who was just struck by a vehicle while on his bike.

I scream, boyfriend jumps out of bed to my screaming, daughter is crying and shaking..............we take off in the car...........I struggle to hold back the vomit that's burning my throat......my mind is racing .................................I have no idea how to get to university hosp......................from the car I call one of the nurses at my work.................she gives us directions..............on the drive i'm wondering why the life squad didn't take son to the hospital that is 2 blocks away from where he'd been hit.........I've convinced myself that he must have critical injuries thus the trauma unit...........we get to the hospital and I ask to see my son................lady in red shirt tells me it will be 15 to 20 minutes.................I ask her if he's alive..................she says LET ME CHECK (I swear that's what she said!) and walks through the double doors to where I'm guessing they have my son.............. I"m beside myself with anxiety and fear..........I feel like i'm outside my body observing the activity going on around me............... I hear boyfriend telling me to breathe and I see him rubbing my arm.

I think fuck this hospital .........I'm not waiting to see my son.................lady in red shirt must have read my mind because she meets me at the double door........as does exhusband and oldest son......................exhusband and I are led through the doors, past numerous patients on gourneys in the hallway, and in to a cubicle. ......................they tell us that son is in xray, is able to move his fingers and toes.........probably has a broken leg and will be back shortly.

Seeing him alive was the greatest feeling in the world............................he knew the outcome could have been so much worse...............he cried, and so did I. He swears he's finished with the whole motorcycle thing..........syas he'll never get on one again.

Finally got him home the next morning.
He has a broken left leg, and a mean case of whip lash..............................he's not complaining too much. He knows he was lucky to be alive.

Dude in a cadillac hurt my son. He was driving uninsured with a suspended license. He wasn't arrested because they don't arrest rather they will send him a notice to appear in court.
I've never physically harmed another human being in all of my life.
This guy almost killed my son...............................and wouldn't even call 911.
I believe that if son and dude had been the only 2 people at that intersection, dude would have left my son laying there to go in shock and die..............or to be hit my another vehicle.
I want to beat the fuck out of him.

friday

My 14th consecutive day without smoking a cigarette. Yay!



I went to the doctor today.
I've been tired for a month or longer. So tired that I have difficulty getting out of bed/off the couch.
I've also had this sick, weak feeling in the pit of my stomach.........I'm air hungry......................and since I've quit smoking, I've been a total, angry, irritable bitch. Or I cry. Especially while under stress at work. I mean that part of my brain that tells me when to bite my tongue isn't working. I haven't made many friends the last week..........I've probably hurt a few feelings, and have probably pissed off a few people.................. for that I am sorry. So I went to the doctor today for help.

He did a bunch of tests and although all results aren't in yet he has concluded I'm stressed, depressed and anxious. He ordered an antidepressant, and a anti anxiety med. I'll be happy to take them if they help......................anything has to be better than feeling the way I feel........................we'll see...

wed

Day 12 without smoking.
Yay!

day 10

My new work schedule starts August1.
Instead of working five eight and a half hour days, I'll be working three twelve and a half hour days. That means four days a week off. Yay!
I'm looking forward to it.

This is my 10th day without a cigarette.
Hopefully one day it will feel normaL to me to go about my day without
smoking.
Either way, I'm happier now just wanting a cigarette than I was while smoking and wishing I could quit.

While driving home from work yesterday, sitting at an intersection near my home I saw exhusband on his motorcycle with some chick.
I pretended not to see them..............I saw him let her know that I was facing them, from across the intersection and 3 cars back........oh yes I did!...................she was trying to get a look at me........normal curiosity I guess...................her hair reminded me of that clowns from McDonalds. Is his name Bozo? Kind of made me laugh to myself....................not that there's anything wrong with having short, orange, cotton candy like, Bozo the clown hair..........just saying.
He must have thought she was hot though, cause he was driving way too slow, waiting for me to get up next to them..........I never did though. I took a turn off the highway instead.

saturday

DAy 8.
I really wanted to smoke today.
The cravings were
pretty intense. BUt
I got through them.......so, yay!

friday

Seventh day without a cigarette.
I curse a little more than usual.........that filter part of my brain isn't working as well as usual. My doctor friend said it's temporary & not to worry about it.......and I'm not.

A community aquaintance died unexpectedly yesterday.
I think she was a few years younger than I am.
My daughter attended her day care for many years...................and then daughter and son were students of hers in middle school.
Her children were classmates of my sons. ........both of them good kids.
She was very vocal and supportive in my fight to have daughter tested.......
I liked her.......and I liked her husband and parents. Good people who loved their community.............makes me sad for her..........she's too young to die........her kids are too youn g to lose a mom.................................isn't fair.........I don't understand this life that we live.

day 6

Day 6 without a cigarette..............I'm not as irritable.....probably because i'm off work today and so I have less stress.................cravings aren't lasting as long, but they're just as intense as on day one............i feel grateful

son came over today and cleaned out the gutters for me...............he also power washed most of the deck.................i'm going to stain and water proof it in a couple or few days.............needed to be cleaned....

day 4

Day 4 without smoking. I'm distracted by my own thoughts........people talk to me and I usually only hear part of what they are saying........ I don't really care what they say.

The cravings aren't as bad.......but my feelings bounce between anger and resentment to sad and depressed..................and i'm so irritable.......................I was very short while talking to a hospice nurse today.............and then I did it again while talking to the physical therapist.......and while a doctor was pissing me off, I shut him out all together by just walking away from him as he spoke..... I forgive myself.............I don't really care right now what other people think.

ps

Happy 3rd Birthday, We-Ping!

monday

To Chris Brown....boo hoo hoo.....blah blah blah......BS BS BS...........shut up and go the fuck away!



Day # 3 without a cigarette.......................................I drove without smoking.............have had meals without smoking........................have had 5 extra patients dumped in my lap because the other nurse isn't capable of managing her time....and lived through it without a cigarette.................sat at the kitchen table with boyfriend and told him, as I cried,yelled,cursed and sobbed, of resentments I feel right now toward my 2 sons and my daughter..............then..............laughed cause I was pretty sure withdrawl from nicotine was contributing to my emotional meltdown............and then i cried some m0re because it felt so good................so I've done all these things without smoking.............&...I didn't know I could....... I'm patting myself on the back......cause apparently I can....



Tired of hearing about Michael Jackson............drug addicts die.......it's what they do.

sunday

I quit smoking.
My last cigarette was Friday night.
I'd like to have one right now, but am hanging in there until the craving passes.

Boyfriend, daughter, and I are going to a dog show today.
Our local library is hosting the show& my sister entered her dog.
We thought it might be fun to see.

monday

It's 11:30 pm and I should be getting ready for bed, but I'm not tired. Imagine that!!

So I was driving through a little shopping center parking lot headed to the high school to pick up my daughter from cheerleading practice. As I drive through the lot I see this young boy who was about 10 years old.......a cute, chubby, freckled face boy sitting on a bench.....his bike parked near by........ crying.....face red, snotty nosed, crying. I thought someone had hurt him, or that maybe he'd wrecked his bike...... I pulled my car over to the curb and asked him if he was Ok....................when he said he was ok, I asked him why then was he crying. He said "before I left the house my mom told me that I'd better not spend my money on those White Castle hamburgers. But I did. I spent my whole ten dollars on White Castles. I ate them all! I think I'm going to be sick! I am going to be in trouble with my mom!"
He was so cute......... Cracked me up. .......................and I'm not sure, but I think you can buy like 20 White Castle hamburgers for 10 bucks........................ he had to be feeling pretty crappy. Poor little, non-listen to his mom kid.

Starting August 1 my hours at work will be cut by 16 hours/month.
I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's one day a pay period multiplied x2 for the month.......it adds up........................I might be able to pick up an extra day of work here and there if someone calls in sick/takes vacation time. It's not something I have control over...................I'm really not interested in/motivated enough to find a facility that would want to hire me for 2 days a month.
So for right now what I've decided to do is pay my car off 2 years early.............and then tighten my belt. If I can still manage to save, above and beyond my tsa..........then yay. If however things get too tight, then I'll go on a hunt for another job.
It will work out either way...................things just have a way of working out.

vacation is over

So we start 12 hour shifts at work August 1.
I knew it was coming. What I didn't know is that we'll only be scheduled for 3 shifts a week. I'll be losing 16 hours of work/month.
SUcks.
I can't afford to give up 16 hours of pay.
Not sure yet what I'm going to do.
My choices are get an additional job, or get an all together new job. Sucks.

happy 4th

Sons will be here around 5. They're going to grill out with daughter, boyfriend and me. I bought some delicious looking New York strips. Not sure yet what I'll serve with them.


I spent the morning prepping the bathroom walls for paint, and I have almost all of the first coat of paint applied. So YAY!

I was sitting on the deck with daughter yesterday. She told me she's feeling a little down remembering the past 4th of July celebrations. It was a huge celebration for our family back when I was married. I don't try to recreate the old celebrations. It was how we did it back then.,,,,and it was great. But our family has changed........everything changes...even when we may not want the change................I felt badly for her.

vacation day 9

About once a month for the past 4 years I've made it a point to drive past a house that I'm kind of in love with..............each time I drive by, I cross my fingers and hope there's a for sale sign in the yard. This past Father's Day, while at my mom and dads house, my older sister told me about how she fell in love with a house, has been driving by it each time hoping there'd be a for sale sign in the yard. She finally tired of waiting, so the last time she drove past it, she stopped, put a note on their door asking them to call her if they were interested in selling...............the nephew of the owner of the house called my sister and told her he had just placed his aunt in a nursing home, &was planning on listing the house..............................................it's not "my" house, bbbut it's the house next door to my house.............apparently there are 3 sisters who lived in 3 separate houses next door to each other........nephew has placed 2 of the sisters in nursing homes, and plans on placing the 3rd sister (the one in "my" house) in a nursing home in the next several months. My sister gave him my name and number. He said his 3rd aunt is being stubbbbbbborn(my B key is sticking) but as soon as he gets her moved, he will call me to have a look. If I like the house it's mine. So we'll see! ( I think it's weird that sister was driving past the house right next door to the house I'd been driving past.............and 2 boot...2 other sisters were living in the houses. weird huh?) (not sure i want to live next door to my sister........she's probably not sure she wants me to buy the house next door to her) :O)

Boyfriend and I went out to dinner this evening. We ended up getting chili cheese footlongs, and ice cream. Talk about heart attack on a platter...................but it was so good..................we ate at a park while we watched a soccer game.............it was a beautiful evening.................................daughter, as always, was invited........but she wanted to go to Coney with a friend to celebrate the 4th. She had a great time.

Boyfriend and I have decided to combine households/move in together..............daughter and sons are all for it..................this is not a decision made on a whim...............I've been considering it for several years ..........he's been ready for several years, but has patiently waited for me to catch up. So there you have it, like it/agree with it or not!

daughters art work

Penny on the wall...

on lending money

My long distance friend called the other day. He's the guy who called several weeks ago to make amends, and then to tell me he planned on killing his self, and to ask if I would loan him some money. He'd recently lost his job and would at the end of June lose his car and be evicted from his apartment...........So he called a few days ago & told me he has 2 in person interviews scheduled. He also told me he hasn't thought about hurting his self for a week. He also asked if he could still borrow some money, 2 thousand dollars.......and he also told me that I was probably the love of his life.
He doesn't want to borrow the money if one of the interviews doesn't pan out into a job offer. I guess he's going to kill his self if he doesn't get the job.
When he first asked for the money I thought here's a friend who needs help. If I don't help him he will kill his self.... I truly thought he was suicidal. After giving the situation more thought though, I wondered
why a person would call someone, make amends to them....and then tell them you're going to kill yourself. Why put that burden on someones shoulder? I worried, lost sleep trying to figure out just the right thing to say to stop him from taking his life..............I mean if you're truly going to kill yourself, if your mind is made up, why torture someone by telling them you're going to do it......and then after you die, the person you told the suicide plan about prior to carrying out the act is left living and wondering what they could have done to save your life. So why bother to tell them your plan?...................unless of course you're planning on asking them for money......and you know they're a good person with a good heart.....and maybe a little too trusting..................................but the topper is when you end the conversation with "you were probably the love of my life."
My thoughts on that is this..........if I was the love of his life, why would it take 5 years after the break up to figure it out? It's not a difficult thing to figure out. Either you love someone and want to be with them, or you don 't. It's really quite simple. Don't you think?....so to say it to me right after asking for money is kind of insulting...................but I guess more than anything, I'm angry at myself for not saying "NO" I can't loan you money. I was afraid to say no. I was afraid I'd be contributing to his suicide. I was afraid to say no to a friend. I was afraid to say to him I'm paying sons college tuition & raising a daughter who will be going to college in 2 years, and the money I have tucked away (which isn't much) ensures I can continue to take care of my home and my children should I be faced with some sort of catastrophe.
He was probably making, based on what he told me, about 50 grand more a year than what I make......his children are grown, so he's not paying any child support....................how in the world does a person piss away their whole paycheck from month to month, especially making the money he was making, without any consideration for the future?? How do they not think about saving money for just in case? ....................... I remember a conversation with him from many months back where he told me he was quitting his job.........and I said to him "DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER JOB? FIND ANOTHER JOB BEFORE YOU QUIT YOUR PRESENT JOB!" He dismissed what I had to say.
I'm confused. Is he a desperate man reaching out to a friend for help.............or is he an irresponsible, manipulative man looking for someone to save him because it's easier than putting in the work it will take to save his self.
DOes it matter? Because the reality is this...............I said yes when I should have been honest with him and told him I don't have money to give......not now, not when I have other priorities.

Would I be a terrible person if I told him I've changed my mind. Because if my 2 thousand dollars is enough to "save" him, and if he really doesn't want me to loan it to him unless he is offered a job, and if he's really making 50 grand more a year than what I'm making..............then it should only take him a couple of months to get his finances together, without my help. Right?

vacation day 8

Tha carpet guys came yesterday and installed the carpeting. They did a good job. It looks better than I thought ti would. I spent most of yesterday helping daughter move back to her old room. Seems moving into her big brothers room wasn't as grand as she thought it would be. She missed HER room. So we moved her brothers belongings back to his room, and visa versa.
This morning I baked some banana nut bread, cranberry muffins, and sugar cookies. My house smells good! The sugar cookies were sort of an after thought. I make them for the little girl up the street. She loves them....
Daughter has a mirror that came as a set with her dresser..........she didn't want to use it anymore. I thought it had potential if it was separated from the dresser. So that's what we did................ we took it out back this morning and painted it a bright yellow.................daughter usually sits on her bedroom floor when she does her hair..............so I thought we could sit the mirror on the floor propped against the wall for her to use when she's doing her hair.......it turned out cute......I'll try to get a picture.
I was checking out the paint job in the stairway hallway today. Daughter and her boyfriend painted it, and I hadn't really taken a good look until today. The first thing that caught my eye was what looked like a penny stuck to the wall, and painted over.............closer inspection revealed that indeed it was a penny stuck to the wall and painted. I asked daughter about it. She said she put it there for luck. My first thought was "dammit, Emm!" But then it made me smile cause that's my Em!

vacation day 5

I made myself get out of bed this morning even though I really didn't want to. I went out to the deck and read for awhile and then went back to bed. I slept until 3:30 in the afternoon. When I woke I stayed on the couch and read some more....I wanted to go back to sleep but I felt guilty to do so. I forced myself up....
I showered and then turned on the grill. I made ribs, and corn on the cob........and I also made a cake. Boyfriend, daughter, and daughters boyfriend had dinner with me on the deck.....it was nice.
Daughter and daughters boyfriend volunteered to paint the stairway walls for me.....I was so greatful, and of course I encouraged them to go ahead and paint....so while they painted I scrubbed the bathroom and kitchen.
As I type they continue to paint. I'm trying to stay away and let them do their thing. I'm sure they'll do an okay job. I feel guilty because it was supposed to be daughter and I working together.........I was going to buy a new rail, or whatever you call it, for the hall stairway, but boyfriend said I should just restain/paint the old one. Daughters boyfriend unscrewed it from the wall for me.....tomorrow I'll do something with it..............we also have to paint the bathroom, put in the new toilet, vanity, and floor......the carpet people will be here Wed. morning and I want all the work done before they get here.......I "picked" a bad time to come down with whatever the heck it is that's making me so tired and unmotivated.

monday

I didn't do a darn thing today except for watch tv.
I wanted to get up and paint. I wanted to get up and pull weeds. I wanted to get up and measure the banister, and repair a piece of woodwork. But no matter how hard I tried to get up off the couch, I just couldn't.....until around 8pm. So I got off the couch at 8p, took a shower, and did some grocery shopping. I asked boyfriend to go with me............and since I had to pick up daughter from a friends house, she also went with me.............and that's all I've managed to do today....oh, I also dropped a book off at the library drop box.
Boyfriend told me he thinks I'm depressed and he thinks I should go to the doctor. I don't feel sad...........but I agree with him that something is wrong.............and just because I don't feel sad, doesn't mean I'm not depressed............I also know I don't like feeling this tired all of the time. I have shit to do, and it's not getting done!

day 4 of vacation

DAy 4 of my vacation and I've yet to do anything around the house. I have had tons of sleep, watched 2 movies (he's just not that in to you, and nights in rodanthe), and read 2 books....dean koontz, a door away from heaven...atleast i think that's the name........and then i read "for lacey"...about the girl who was killed by her husband scott peterson..written by her mother.....i really didnt want to read another true crime book.....but this one didnt focus so much on the crime. i think the mother wanted to tell the world how much she loved her daughter, the enormity of her loss, and the type of person her daughter was............it made me cry. I hugged my daughter a little longer and tighter when she came home last night.
So yeah, that's what I've spent my time doing over the last 3 days..........I did manage to get back out to Lowes to pay for, and order the carpet for the upstairs bedrooms and landing, and stairs................hopefully they'll install it in the next several days....

i'm not sure what i'll do today. i'd like to paint the stairway walls that lead to the upstairs bedrooms...and replace the banister. i'm having a very difficult time though motivating myself. i hate to paint.

oldest son moved back in yesterday.
he moved into the messy room.
so it's not messy anymore, for now.
he needs to regroup, get his finances together.
his hours at work have been cut. like most americans, he wasn't prepared.

daughter is pouting. she wants me to take her to buy a new bathing suit. "i wear the same one everyday." Now I know that wearing the same bathing suit everyday is reason for national concern, but i told her no anyway. so then she offered to buy the suit herself if i'd just take her. the whole money issue aside, i dont want to shop today. so again i told her no. she rolled her eyes, and made a production of leaving the room. :O) cracks me up!

vaca day #1

day 1 of my vacation.......

woke early, stayed in bed and read awhile

went back to sleep

daughter woke me
showered
took daughter to work

came home and read a little more
took a 2 hour nap

picked daughter up from work

started supper (lasagna, veggie salad, garlic bread)

chit chatted with boyfriend and oldest son

had supper with boyfriend and oldest son

sat around and chit chatted with both my sons, and watched tv coverage of michael jacksons death

read for a couple more hours (dean koontz.....one door away from heaven)
finished the book

enjoyed it


that's it for my first vaca day

tuesday

One more day to work and then I'll be off for 11 days. So......YAY! I have so much to do around the house and yard. I've been putting it off though. So I'm determined to get it all done while I'm on vacation. Daughter said she'd help out. I'll try to make it fun..........mom and daughter working together, hanging out talking while we work....bonding and stuff. She'll probably ditch me after half a day! :O)

friday

I went to Lowes after work today to pick out carpeting for the two upstairs bedrooms, landing, and stairway. Daughter went with me. I wanted her to help me pick out the carpeting.
She picked out a shaggy like beige carpet. It's soft, and thick. I think it will look nice.

We also did a little Father's Day shopping, and went out to dinner. It was a pleasant evening.

When I got home from shopping my neighbor that works at the library sent down a bag of true crime books. I rarely read true crime anymore. It's too depressing. But it was nice of her to think of me.

Boyfriend screamed at me this evening.
It hurt my feelings. But now I feel hurt and pissed.
So screw him.

It's my weekend off of work.
I need to get started on finishing the work on daughters bathroom.........so that's what I might do with my time this weekend.