monday

I quietly left the house this morning so as not to wake boyfriend. The lawn needed to be mowed. Boyfriend has been saying he was going to cut it. But it wasn't getting done.
I know he hasn't felt well. I also knew it needed to be cut. If he saw me go out to cut it he'd feel pressured to cut it even though he isn't feeling well. So he was sleeping. I was going to get it done.....no big deal.............he heard the lawn mower running and came outside as I ran over mulch.........it flew up and hit him.........he cursed.......I could hear his cursing.........not sure if it was directed at me or the mulch that was hitting him...........after I knew boyfriend was okay I just walked away and into the house. Fuck it is what I was thinking. Fuck it.
I laid down and took a 6 and a half hour nap. I was still tired from the double shift yesterday.......and then not being able to fall asleep until the early morning hour.
While I was sleeping boyfriend finished mowing the yard and  made a pot of spaghetti and meatballs........and I guess at some point he went to the store for soft drinks.
Now he's sleeping.
I'm up and ready to go.............house is clean. The grass is cut.
I'll probably, FINALLY, plant the flowers son bought for me.

Apparently risk management was at work last week to audit our paper work................I hear we didn't do so well........that we did bad actually.
I'm not surprised.
I could help fix things. I see the problems. I know how to fix them.........I'm good at the stuff that needs to be done.............................but it's not like I can go to the people in charge and say I'm over my emotional whatever u call it and would love to be a part of your team again........would love to help fix the problems.
When you have an emotional WHATEVER  it was....    you lose credibility I think.........................so I'm in the outs................doubtful I'll ever be part of the non outs again.................................

friday

Boyfriend and I spent the day out yesterday running errands, doing a little shopping, having dinner out, and visiting my parents.
We went to our favorite steak house for dinner. He had steak, I have had baby back ribs. His steak was too rare. My ribs were great.
Daughter has a party to go to this weekend. She bought a really cute dress for the party..........while out yesterday I found the perfect shoes for her to wear with the dress........and she likes them!
Dad had a new list of jokes last night.
one of my favorites was                        A lawyer, a serial killer, and a pit bull are coming after you in a dark alley. You have a gun and 2 bullets.....who do you shoot..............................................the lawyer, twice!
When he tells it it's funny..............he has a way of telling jokes, and a story. Cracks me up......

I argued last night with my dad about the Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman case........
and then we argued and had a conversation  about what we should and shouldn't be doing for family who are unwilling or unable to be responsible, working, productive adults.
It gets old having the same conversation over and over again. I left their house feeling guilty, a little sad, and frustrated.
I think we should spend more time and energy talking about and celebrating productive family members.....

saturday

Oldest son's birthday is tomorrow.
He was the prettiest baby I'd ever seen..........even to this very day I've never seen a baby as pretty as he was........and he was a good baby, a happy baby....................an easy child to raise.........
I'm having him and his girlfriend over for dinner tomorrow.
My chicken and dumplings are his favorite.........so it's what I'll cook for him..................and he loves cheesecake.......so I'll make that too.
I know it's corny. But I like cooking for my kids.
So any hoo.................................................................middle son is in Gatlinburg with his girlfriend.............daughter is at work....................Mr. Bojangles and We-ping just just went out the back door..........Mr. Bojangles was mad at me I think for leaving town. He was aloof when I got home......now he's over it and being affectionate.

Eight years ago  mom had been diagnosed with colon rectal cancer and was having some pretty serious heart problems...........her oldest daughter was turning 50..................mom didn't think she'd be around to see her other 4 daughters turn 50.........so when she bought oldest sister a pair of diamond earrings for her birthday she also bought 4 other pairs and tucked them in her closet for dad to give to each of us as we turned 50.
She didn't die...........and has been there to give each of four of her daughters the earrings. Next year she will give the last pair to youngest sister.
So I received a beautiful pair of half carat diamond earrings for my 50th! I love them.

thursday part 2

thursday

........went to myrtle beach on a whim ..............wanted to be at the ocean to celebrate my 50th birthday....................it was a wonderful day spent doing some of the things i enjoy.............i walked in the waves, collected sea shells, sun bathed, sifted the sand through my fingers and toes.........swam laps in the pool, soaked in the hot tub, walked the beach with boyfriend, ate crab legs, oysters, and shrimp..........whispered sweet nothings to boyfriend.......watched the sunset, and sunrise....................felt so much gratitude for all of my family.........and for my life in general..............it was my best birthday yet!

thursday

Not filing my taxes yet was keeping me up at night. So I did mine and daughters tonight. Yay! Feels great to have them out of the way!

sunday

Hey Billy.
I'm watching Academy of Country TV Awards.........or something like that...............Lady Antebellum just sang      Lady Antebellum - Dancin' Away With My Heart - YouTube..............................reminded of my senior year prom and the last dance I shared with my high school sweetheart........................and then how he dumped me right before graduation for a woman who had just had a baby.......................and how after graduation he   joined the marines..... called me 6 months later from Hawaii........but my dad didn't give me the call...............so I was sitting here wondering why he called........................and then I thought he probably wanted my sister a year older's phone number because eventually they ended up dating .........AND he cheated on his wife..................so then I was thinking how I was lucky he dumped me................and how when the other guy who asked me to the prom   I said no even though I really wanted to go with him. we had leads together in the class play,    pippin, and he was a good, intelligent,fun, decent person.....I had a crush on him............but I felt like I couldnt go to the prom with him because I'd been dating my high school sweetheart for a couple of years. How could I  break up with him right before prom and graduation and go to the prom with another guy.........that would just be mean....... little did I know.

Do you know who Suze Orman is, Billy.......
Well I was thinking about buying myself this pretty ring  for my 50 th birthday.
I just wanted to do something nice for myself.  You know.....
But I feel guilty spending money..........
Especially on myself..................and especially until daughter graduates from college.
So I was watching the Suze Orman show and thinking about the ring......................and I thought that if she gave me permission to buy the ring, then I could buy it without guilt....................and I knew she would approve the purchase..............I watch her show enough to know that I'd pass her financial evaluation.............so
I emailed her site..............told them what I wanted to buy and why........and left all the info. they requested. They called the next day and invited me to participate on her show.
At first I was excited. Then I had stage fright......and then I thought                        I'm going to be 50. If I want to buy a ring I don't need approval from anyone.......and I certainly don't have to feel guilty.
So I didn't do the show....................... I didn't buy the ring either........because maybe I'd rather spend the day at a day spa ...or take daughter on a shopping spree..........I just don't know yet.

Go U.K! even though I was rooting for Louisville!

text mesages from daughter

daughter.......I can't work here anymore. She's so rude. I want to leave.

me.........Stick it out. Be nice.

Daughter.....I'm not saying anything and all 3 of them are in the back talking about how I think I'm better than them. I'm working the store by myself
I got the job at that phone place. I start this coming Monday or next.

Me......Well hang in there until Monday.

Daughter......I want to leave mom.

me.......U can't.

Daughter.....so i'm supposed to let them gang up on me 3 to 1.

me.....yes

daughter.....will you drop a few dollars off so i can get some lunch.


I only have 2 readers Billy! lol.