tuesday

work sucked today. it was a big cluster of a mess. it sucked yesterday too. our boss is becoming more and more hostile. i react to hostile people with hostility some of the time. i tell myself to keep my mouth shut. i tell myself to remain calm. i tell myself not to react in a negative way............ most of the time i listen to myself..............................yesterday i did ok.....................today not so much.............................. i know i will pay for it.............

i was at mom and dads' house sunday. we sat at the table, me, dad, and 2 of my sisters, and looked at photos. i found 2 pictures of mom that i love........i had them enlarged, framed them, and hung them in my dining room...............i keep going in the dining room to look at her......smile back at her, even kissed her..................................mostly though i just want her back........

dad is having a tough time. i wish i knew how to help him. me, my sisters, and some of the grandchildren are spending time with him together and separately....sharing stories about mom with him. listening. just being there......

oldest nephew read for dad at moms funeral, a letter dad wrote to
mom after she had died.
it comforted me even though it was sad.

i loveyou, me-me.

saturday

It's one of my favorite pictures of me and my sisters from when we were children. Iwish it was in better shape. I love the way my little sister is sucking her fingers....................when dad would get home from work, some of the time he'd sing to us. He'd pretend to be Elvis, Tom Jones, or Johnny Mathis..........sing to us one of their songs..........meant to make us laugh.........and we did......cause it was funny!

missing mom

My day was OK. I had a busy day at work, just the way I like it. On my drive home from work I missed going to and wished I was going to moms like I had so many nights before.
 I'm so grateful for all those nights.

 When I got home I had a little break down while standing in the kitchen with boyfriend. I just miss my mom.......and I want to know that she is OK........

On Christmas night before I left moms house I hugged her tight and kissed her and told her I love her......she hugged, kissed and told me she loved me......when I got outside to my car I realized I left my glasses in her house. I wear them when I drive......take them off when I get inside................................so I went back in her house to get them......and again I hugged her tight, kissed her, smelled her hair and kissed her head and told her I love her...............................................................I'm so grateful I had to go back for those glasses.

Monday part 2

He liked playing in the gift wrap and he seemed to love the bed Santa brought to him. Hasn't slept in it since this picture.

Resting NEXT TO HIS BED!

A flower I placed in a tree while hiking with son. Someone handed each of us a flower from top of moms casket. I remember thinking I don't want one, please please don't let them bring one to me. They did though. I didn't want it. I didn't want to watch it die. I just couldn't.................................so I took it on our hike and left it with a huge beautiful tree.

Oldest son.

I thought this tree trunk was cool. Same with the one below. Looked way cooler in person.

Monday

It's been a slow and lazy kind of day.
I haven't even showered yet and it's ten minutes till 5 PM.
I did scrub my kitchen and bathroom. And I dusted the trunk I use as a coffee table......then decided I was finished cleaning.
I have a pot of chili on the stove.
It smells good.Maybe I'll make some corn bread too......maybe not.

I miss my mom.

A work friend spent the night with me Saturday night.
She lives way out in the county. We had a snow storm moving in
that would have kept her from work if she had gone home.
So after work Saturday she left her car at work and drove home with me.
We stayed up, later than we should have, in our pajamas in the living room talking.
Felt kind of like a slumber party. It was a nice distraction.
When I finally went to bed I didn't sleep very well.
Kitty was nervous about the guest on our couch, kept walking on me, and boyfriend snored. So
I was pretty tired at work yesterday...... and  Even though I slept like a baby last night I still feel a little sluggish today.

Son called me at work yesterday and said to check behind the couch when I got home. He said he left something there for me.

So when I get home I check behind the couch and find this walking stick that he made for me for our hikes. I love it and thought it was very sweet of him!

monday

I went hiking yesterday with oldest son. It was only a 2 mile trail but the first mile was a very steep decline, muddy, and slippery. I was a little scared some of the time but made it down OK with the help of a walking stick.......and some of the time my sons hand.
 The trail was pretty.........lots of huge trees with awesome tree trunks and roots.................and several waterfalls and streams.. ......and there were rock cairns here and there...................me and son built one.......it was fun..........next time we go we'll see if it's still there...................................the climb back up was invigorating.........................but it ended too soon. I wanted more...........

sunday

The kids came over for dinner last night.
It was good spending time with them. The bantering between them makes me smile.

This is my last day off work. I go back tomorrow.
I'm nervous about going back. I worry people will ask questions about mom and that I will
cry in front of them.........it's difficult for me to choke back my tears.................so yeah, I have anxiety about going back.

I got up earlier than usual this morning so that I could read today's essay from moms book.
Reading her book feels like spending time with her. I have to force myself not to read more than one essay.

I think I'm going hiking today with oldest son.

friday

So I met two of my sisters at mom and dads house last evening.( Being with my sisters and my dad helps me tremendously in dealing with the passing of my mom.)
We almost finished packing moms stuff.
Last week we took a huge load of shoes and clothing to the good will store. they were happy to see us........and very helpful  in unloading the cars.
I have one more large shelf of clothes left to pack and then the job will be complete. I plan on taking the last load of clothing to my work. Many of my patients don't have enough clothes, and do not have the money or family to help them buy some. It would make my mom happy if I gave some of her clothing to my patients. It will make my patients happy too.

Each morning now I read an essay from the book mom kept at her bedside.
I look forward to it. Helps me feel connected to mom. There are 365 essays. So daily for a year I have something to look forward to. It helps.

I'm having the kids over for dinner tomorrow evening.
I thought I'd make spaghetti and meatballs, salad, garlic bread, and apple pie. They all love my spaghetti.
I'm looking forward to having them here...............they worry about me............much the same as I worry about my dad. We're a family of worriers. I iwsh it wasn't that way................so I want to spend time with them so that they can see I am OK...............but mostly I just like spending time with them.

Today I will clean the house..........and I have personal belongings from my mom to give to my oldest and to my youngest sister. I'm going to try to do it today.

thursday

ME and two of my sisters cleaned out moms closet and drawers.
Dad asked us to do it. He left the house, too painful for him to be there, while we packed her stuff.
 Mom loved clothes, shoes, and purses. She always looked so pretty.

In one of her purses we found 4 lottery tickets from her birthday a year ago.
We took the tickets and re played her numbers. We won 4 dollars so bought 2 more tickets. I usually buy lottery tickets once or twice a year but think I'll play moms numbers once a week.

This afternoon we are going back to mom and dads house to finish packing up her personal belongings.
Their house seems so different without mom there. It feels empty.

tuesday

I went to mom and dads today.
Mom had bought a few books a couple weeks before Christmas.
I don't know if she meant to gift them to someone or if
she planned on reading them.
Dad told me to take them. I was happy to take them......and look forward to reading them for her.....though I'm sure she has read both of them at least once...
One of them is "The Ice Storm" by Rick Moody. The other one is "Nine Stories" by J.D.Salinger......................and then another book that mom had at her beside for the past 15 years is "Simple Abundance A Daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. Dad told me to take it. I will keep it at my bedside and read an essay from it each day of the year.

I miss my mom. I love my mom.
I wrap myself in one of her blankets each night when I go to bed. She's the last person I think of
when I go to sleep at night, and the first person I think of when I wake.
I hope she is okay wherever she is...........

monday

The cats are restless. They want to go outside. I won't let them. It's only 5 degrees out there. Too cold for the kitties......they're scratching at the windows and the door........and fighting each other.......little stinks!

Daughter and I have appointments to get our haircut and our eyebrows done today. It's supposed to drop to 5 below, 16 below with wind chill factor........I'm kind of hoping the shop calls and cancels our appointments.

my sisters and I took my moms sister out to lunch day before yesterday.
She's my moms little sister.
Mom loved her. I love her too, and like being around her....makes me feel closer to mom........mom was calling for her the day before she passed away and  was so happy when my aunt arrived........

I enjoy hearing my aunts stories about mom from when mom was a child...............................

I just shared a banana nut muffin with Mr. Bojangles. I was surprised he liked it so much.

moms funeral

moms funeral was today.
sounds weird to say a funeral was beautiful, this one was.........

i miss my mom.