tuesday

The youngest little guy in our family. He's my great nephew. He cracks me up!I think he looks like a little man!

Christmas present from boyfriend. It's beautiful in real life.  He hasn't mentioned rings for  months, so this is not something I expected!

busy week

cleaned dads house dec. 21 with help from 2 of my sisters. it was in pretty good shape before we started. so it didn't take too long. cleaning isn't so bad if you're doing it with two of your sisters, and horsing around while you do it!
 i went out on a limb and put a little lighted and decorated Christmas tree in dads living room. i wasn't sure how he'd receive it. i worried a little it might make him miss mom even more. but he was fine with it.

dec. 22 I had a stomach virus. boyfriend was sick from chemo. at one point we were both, at the same time, leaning over the front  porch railing vomiting into the grass below. it was disgusting!
 we spent the day and evening in  our misery.

dec. 24 the kids, their significant others and my dad came over for dinner. i made lasagna and salad. it was in the mid 60's and sunny so we were able to sit on the deck until the sun went down. it was nice!
 we exchanged gifts and then  watched football and chit chatted. it was a good afternoon/evening.

Christmas morning was nice and quiet.
boyfriend and i sat on the floor in front of the tree and exchanged gifts.......it was very pleasant. then he napped while i made the potato salad and fruit salad to take to dads for Christmas. spent the afternoon and evening at dads with boyfriend, my sisters, their spouses and all of our children and our children's children. it was loud, busy, and energetic. lots of laughter, bad jokes, hugging, and sharing..................towards the end of the evening we looked through pictures of mom and dad from when they were living half the year in the keys.......and we shared stories about mom.......most of the stories made us laugh. she was a character.....and an awesome one at that!

At some point between Christmas Eve and Christmas night I got a note/call from each of my three children. Each one expressing gratitude .............makes me smile.......and of course I'm so grateful for each of them....I adore and love them.........
Merry Christmas, Happy New year!

Monday

I've been cleaning, doing laundry, and Christmas shopping. Everything is finished except a load of laundry in the wash and in the dryer. I also have to buy 3 gift cards and then wrap gifts! Feels good to be ahead of schedule.

Boyfriend starts round 2 of chemo therapy tomorrow. The oncologist postponed it last week because boyfriend wasn't well enough.
He was feeling pretty good today........ went to the grocery store and to the shoe store with me .... he was playful and silly........felt good to see him this way again!

Wed I'm going to daughters' house to bake Christmas cookies. We're both looking forward to it!

tuesday

 Billy I know you don't like when I talk about my mom. So you may not want to read this post!

It's been almost a month since I left work. You'd think my house would be clean and organized. It's not! Far from it! I'm surrounded by dust and clutter.

I did find it in me to put up my Christmas tree last night..............and then I hated it. I just wanted to drag it outside and leave it on the curb for the garbage man..................and then I missed my mom............and remembered how on that last Christmas together I hugged her and told her I loved her before leaving her house........and when I got to my car realized I'd left my glasses on her counter....so I went back in her house, hugged her tight and told her again I loved her. She wanted me to spend the night that night........I'd been caring for her for months. She depended on  me. She felt less anxious when I was with her. I had been up for days it seemed, and I was getting sick.Mom fell 3 days before Christmas. I found her on the bathroom floor. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. She thought she was in the bed. Instead she was on the cold hard bathroom floor. Dad was knocked out on the sofa with Bronchitis. He didn't know she was on the floor. She told me that day she was dying.  "I'm dying, Sandy." That's what she said. I knew she was.... But when she said it I  cried. I looked at her and cried. I couldn't find any words. I wish I would have reassured her, or asked her if she was scared.......I wish I had said something, anything. But all I could do was cry...... So my mom redirected the conversation.....She did not want to go to the hospital when I asked. She said she just wanted to be home to have a beautiful Christmas with her family.
 I had my oldest sister spend the night with mom on Christmas night. I just couldn't do it. I could see the disappointment on moms face. She wanted me there. I was sick.  I got home that night and began with severe chills, fever, runny nose and cough.......and for 48 hours I was out of commission. I tried to get up but just couldn't do it.
I missed those two days with my mom. I'm OK with it except

 I'm not sure she knows why I wasn't there............it wasn't like I just had a simple cold. I literally couldn't stand........other wise I would have been there! I did spend the 28 and 29th with her.....stayed over on the 29th and she died the morning of the 30th. I was in bed with her.......as was 2 of my sisters.......dad and another sister was at the bedside. Just seconds before her last breath she smiled. I like to think that as she was leaving her body and looking down at herself, she smiled because she could see we were all there with her.................mom was opposed to Hospice, or any in house care from outside agencies. I knew hospice was coming to the house on the 26th to talk to and admit her. They'd come to her home to help with her care. Luckily I was sick and not there.............she was angry when they came but I'm sure she thought that when I got back to her, I would stop them from coming. I promised her I would never allow hospice to care for her. Unfortunately I made that promise before I knew that someday I would need their help.  For that reason I'm glad I was sick that day.She didn't know I knew they were coming......that's why I think she was thinking I'd fire them when I got back to her!...........we also had an at home nursing agency that would be coming 2 days a week I think. Their first day was on the 26th. The day after moms funeral my sisters and I were in the living room with dad at his and moms house.
The phone rang but we all ignored it..............the answering machine picked up the call..............it was the visiting nursing agency calling. They left a message asking mom to give them a second chance.
My sisters and I looked at each other and then laughed. I was so happy she fired them.....that even in the end while she was so sick she still had control over some things!
I just miss her, that's all.... I just miss her.

thursday

My cat, Mr. Bojangles disappeared 2 days ago.
Boyfriend said the raccoon's probably got him, or a car.
My heart was broken. The worse part was not knowing. Thinking about him out there somewhere
injured, cold, and slowly dying was heart breaking. All I wanted was for him to be back home.
Last night I couldn't sleep. At 3 AM
I wrapped up in a blanket and went to my front porch.I was hoping kitty would be there! Boyfriend joined me.
We heard a meow that sounded muffled and far away. It was coming from my neighbors garage.. So I walked over to their driveway and called for kitty. There was definitely a cat in there meowing back at me. They have a couple cats but I just knew this was my cat crying out, scratching even on the garage door. So I stayed on our front porch until 7 am when I knew the boy next door would be leaving to walk to school. He came out the front door at 7:04.
I told him I thought my cat was in his garage, and asked him to check his garage for me. He reported that he already checked his garage yesterday when he heard that my cat was missing. I'd already decided I was going to call the police if they wouldn't check their garage. But fortunately he reluctantly agreed to check again. Tucked away in the far corner of their basement area I could hear kitty crying........he was hiding behind a large pile of stuff but came out when I called him.
I was so happy I could barely contain myself!..............................Mr Bojangles ran to our front porch and then into the house when I opened the door.
I just look at him and feel such relief that he is OK, and such happiness that he is safe and home.

Boyfriend is doing so/so. He had 11 days of nausea and vomiting and sleeping most of the time. Then he accidently double dosed his medications and passed out on the living room floor. I called 911......went to the ER where boyfriend then remembered taking his medications twice. They ended up keeping him over night to keep an eye on him and to re hydrate him. It's his week off of chemo so he's doing a little better. But right now he's not sure he wants to continue the chemotherapy. So we will see...........

Yesterday was daughter's off day. She came over and we hung out.........watched a movie and had dinner together.
It was nice.

Boyfriend wants to pass out 20 one hundred dollar bills to strangers over the holiday season. It's on our bucket list. So we're going to the bank today then coming home to fill the money holders. I won't tell anyone about it other than on here!
We'll see how people react.....looking forward to it!