Wednesday

It was back to reality today.
 I had to sort through piles of mail, gather tax papers and take them to the tax person, go to the DMV, grocery shop, do a little house cleaning, unpack suitcases and do a little laundry.
 I feel relieved to have it all taken care of. When it's undone I get really anxious.
I didn't used to be that way.
 I don't know why I am that way now. I wish I wasn't.

I looked through the open shifts at work.
I picked up March 27th.
They have a bunch of 4 hour shifts (7p-11p) available. That's way better than 12 hour shifts. So I may take a few of them.

I have spaghetti and meatballs cooking for dinner, and I made a tossed salad. It's my favorite meal!

tuesday

We're home after 2 wonderful weeks in Indian Rocks Beach Florida.

Mostly we relaxed on the beach and soaked up the sun......and we took morning and evening walks.

Mentally I feel so much better............  boyfriend looks and feels so much better! It was the best trip ever!

I talked to my work today and told them I was not coming back full time for now. I told them I would work PRN. They send schedule needs to all the employees cell phones. Some of the time they will have 30 days that need to be filled. Some of the time none. I can work  any of those days that I want to work. I'll just have to return a text before anyone else does!  I"ll do it that way for awhile.....I will take over my insurance premiums in the mean time. I'm a little nervous about it, but I know going back to work right now is not what I want to do. It may end up being a mistake. For right now I'm willing to take that chance.

Kitties missed us while we were away. Mr. Bojangles is sitting on my lap purring.He's so cute.

I just finished reading The Glass Castle. I enjoyed it.......dont have it with me.....forget who wrote it.......I think J.Wells?

Toes - Zac Brown & Jimmy Buffett - YouTube     how i was feeling for a bit!

thursday

Dad had surgery for an aortic aneurysm yesterday. The doctors have been measuring/watching it for several years.This year the size increased beyond where it should be. So he had to have surgery.
The surgery went well. He is doing well and should be discharged today or tomorrow.
We had instructions from dad to not see him the morning before surgery. He said it would stress him. (he didn't want to cry in front of us. he was certain he was going to die)
So the five of us sat in the waiting room while he had his surgery. The nurses thought it was funny he wouldn't allow us to see him........they also thought it funny that he had 5 daughters and no sons. I told them that we are why he is having to have heart surgery!

After we left the hospital me and one of my sisters went to the grocery store to get some stuff for dad. He has no food at home except bread, tea, bottled water, and peanut butter. He eats most of his meals out. So we stocked his kitchen with food for a few days.

After we left dads we went to the cemetery.
Neither of us like to go there alone. Moms grave sits down in a little isolated area close to woods. It just doesn't feel safe. So we went together and cleaned up the Christmas stuff.

Oldest son replaced my sump pump. It's working just fine!

I picked middle son up from the airport last night at 1 AM. He went to Breckenridge Colorado to ski. It's something he has always dreamed of doing. He said it was amazing!

saturday

The sump pump guy cancelled.
I didn't reschedule. Oldest son said he'd put in the new pump.
 I should save a bunch of money having son do it!

Boyfriends latest PET Scan came back clean! They will do another scan in 3 months,
Boyfriend cried when we got the news. Made my heart ache for him even though I was happy!

I took boyfriend to the casino over in Indiana a couple of nights ago. We go a couple of times a year.................and we needed to get out of this house. We're both going stir crazy! So
we went to the buffet at the casino for dinner. I usually don't like buffet's. I usually don't like the casino buffet. But I really enjoyed it this time. Maybe because I was so desperate to be away from the house? Anyway, I had the prime rib and thought it was delicious! Boyfriend had chicken and fish. He said it was OK!
Boyfriend was able to walk from the car all the way to the casino. It's a pretty long walk if you're sick. So I was happy to see him be able to do it!
 At the end of the night I had to take him via wheelchair back to the car. He was just too weak to repeat the walk. He will get there though..... It's just going to take time!
 It was a fun night! We lost more than we won but it was worth it! It felt so good to get out of the house!
It felt good to see boyfriend enjoying himself!

sunday

I've been making a fairy house for my daughter's boyfriends' daughter. She's an adorable little girl.....so smart too.
So I have this area under my side porch ......a space of maybe 3x4 feet.........I thought it would be the perfect place for a fairy house and it's yard. It's fun working on it!
I probably wont show it to her until spring. I can't wait!

I've noticed the past few days that the cyst on my eye is getting smaller. Today you can barely see it. It's been there for about 9 months ..............and now it's going away maybe..

I'm having a new sump pump put in tomorrow. The one I have is the same one that was here when I bought this house 25 years ago. I noticed a few months ago that I wasn't hearing it kick on........I tried to fix it myself but couldn't figure it out.The company that originally installed it is coming to replace it. They seemed surprised that it's been working for all of these years...

When we put the new driveway in 20 or so years ago I buried a time capsule beneath it. The only thing I remember putting in the capsule is a picture of the kids and a little note about our family. I don't know what else is in it. For some reason having them come to replace the sump pump got me to thinking about the time capsule. I hope I never have to replace the driveway, on the other hand I'd like to get at look at what we buried!

friday

We're expecting 0-10 inches of snow today!

Boyfriend bought Domino's and Checkers so we'd have something to do
in case we get snowed in!

We went to the hosp. yesterday.
Boyfriend was scheduled for a PET Scan. So they did a nose to knees scan.
I think and I am praying that the scan will come back clear!
Then I have a routine check up with my doctor on the 1st, minor eyeish surgery on the 8th, and my dad is having a heart surgery on the 3rd. So we're thinking we will take off to a sunny place with an ocean come this Feb. 12th! The sun and the ocean will be so good for boyfriend!
You have no idea how much we are looking forward to it!

I'm reading Presumed Guilty
Casey Anthony: The Inside Story
It's interesting.   Jose Baez does a good job
defending Casey, and the DA I think did an equally crummy job of prosecuting her. I can see how the jury
returned a not guilty verdict.
 I personally think she got away with murder.

tuesday

Former BFF Work friend text me on Christmas Eve asking for 3 thousand dollars "cash, today."

I was surprised to hear from her.

She didn't call after boyfriend had his surgery or in the weeks that followed.

I had text her a few times during that time to check and see how things were going with her. No calls from her.

So it surprised me to hear from her. Even more so that she was calling for money.

I talked about it to boyfriend.

I wanted to do the right thing.

In the end I decided I'm not loaning money anymore, unless it's to my children........and they have never asked.

I told her no and I feel relieved.

I just shaved boyfriends head.

He didn't lose all of his hair to chemo ( not that he had much to start with) but it did get really thin. Especially his mustache. He looks like a 14 year old who is trying to grow face hair. So anyway, I just shaved his head and trimmed his eyebrows.  :O) I like his shaved head!

I think we're sticking close to home today. Boyfriend has an appointment with the oncologist and is then coming home. I'm not going to the appointment. I'm going to stay home and put on a pot of beef stew for supper and do a few chores around the house.

We ran to the store yesterday for salt for the snow expected tomorrow. I'm hoping we don't get slammed because my car is due at the dealer for recall work........plus I worry about my family out there on the road when the weather is bad.

The rest of today, after chores are out of the way I'm going to work on a painting

wed

They ended up transfusing boyfriend Monday..
He looks a little better.....has a little color to his cheeks.......and his breathing is a little better!

I spent yesterday cleaning the house and doing laundry. Feels good to have it finished.

The 1.5 billion dollar lottery will be won by somebody today,  probably.
The odds are against us winning but I'm taking the chance! I bought 3 tickets.
I'll share my tickets with boyfriend, his children and mine, my dad (if he wants the headache), sisters and boyfriends brother and sister.
I'd rather see a factory full of workers win this lottery than just 1 person.

friday

So I asked to be and was excused from jury duty yesterday.

I waited to see if I'd be picked for the grand jury before asking to be excused.

They said those picked for the grand jury would have to report every Thursday from 8-12 for 3 months. I though that would be manageable. But I wasn't picked and so I asked to be excused.

I'm looking forward to the day I get to serve.

Boyfriend quit chemotherapy.
It's  killing him and he can feel it.
The oncologist was supportive.
Boyfriend feels relieved. So do I.
Right now his blood count is so low that he is short of breath and feels exhausted. He's so pale he looks like a walking mannequin.
The doctor decided to not transfuse him since boyfriend did not take chemo. So I hope
his counts go up quickly.
Makes me sad to see him like this.......................he asked me yesterday to pack up and take him to the ocean...............................so that's where we will be going as soon as his blood counts are better and as soon as we have a few weeks between doctor appointments!

I finally went to the surgeon for my eye cyst yesterday.
 He's going to remove the cyst, create some sort of skin flap so that it heals without causing a  deformity of my eyelid.....................he said the surgery would only take 10 or 15 minutes.........not a big deal..............I just want to get it out of the way......I want all the doctor appointments to go away. I  just want time off from doctors and medical facilities and sickness........................pretty soon that will happen........just need to hang in a little longer!

friday

My neighbor who lives across the street and who is the same age as boyfriend, was diagnosed with lung cancer around the same time as boyfriend. But unlike boyfriend, his had spread to some lymph nods and to his intestine  and he was not a candidate for surgery. They've been treating him with chemo and radiation.
 Him and boyfriend talked to each other about biopsies, CT scans, chemo, radiation and such. They shared "war stories."
 They have been a great support to each other.
A couple weeks ago neighbor was hospitalized with blood clots in his lung. His mom stopped over to talk to boyfriend and I, to let us know neighbor was in the hospital in the ICU on a respirator. We hoped and we prayed that he would be OK........and even though I knew how sick he was I kept expecting him to get better and come home.
 Sadly he passed away day before yesterday.
It's sad how fast this crap can take your life. It shows no mercy!
I hate it.

tuesday

The youngest little guy in our family. He's my great nephew. He cracks me up!I think he looks like a little man!

Christmas present from boyfriend. It's beautiful in real life.  He hasn't mentioned rings for  months, so this is not something I expected!

busy week

cleaned dads house dec. 21 with help from 2 of my sisters. it was in pretty good shape before we started. so it didn't take too long. cleaning isn't so bad if you're doing it with two of your sisters, and horsing around while you do it!
 i went out on a limb and put a little lighted and decorated Christmas tree in dads living room. i wasn't sure how he'd receive it. i worried a little it might make him miss mom even more. but he was fine with it.

dec. 22 I had a stomach virus. boyfriend was sick from chemo. at one point we were both, at the same time, leaning over the front  porch railing vomiting into the grass below. it was disgusting!
 we spent the day and evening in  our misery.

dec. 24 the kids, their significant others and my dad came over for dinner. i made lasagna and salad. it was in the mid 60's and sunny so we were able to sit on the deck until the sun went down. it was nice!
 we exchanged gifts and then  watched football and chit chatted. it was a good afternoon/evening.

Christmas morning was nice and quiet.
boyfriend and i sat on the floor in front of the tree and exchanged gifts.......it was very pleasant. then he napped while i made the potato salad and fruit salad to take to dads for Christmas. spent the afternoon and evening at dads with boyfriend, my sisters, their spouses and all of our children and our children's children. it was loud, busy, and energetic. lots of laughter, bad jokes, hugging, and sharing..................towards the end of the evening we looked through pictures of mom and dad from when they were living half the year in the keys.......and we shared stories about mom.......most of the stories made us laugh. she was a character.....and an awesome one at that!

At some point between Christmas Eve and Christmas night I got a note/call from each of my three children. Each one expressing gratitude .............makes me smile.......and of course I'm so grateful for each of them....I adore and love them.........
Merry Christmas, Happy New year!

Monday

I've been cleaning, doing laundry, and Christmas shopping. Everything is finished except a load of laundry in the wash and in the dryer. I also have to buy 3 gift cards and then wrap gifts! Feels good to be ahead of schedule.

Boyfriend starts round 2 of chemo therapy tomorrow. The oncologist postponed it last week because boyfriend wasn't well enough.
He was feeling pretty good today........ went to the grocery store and to the shoe store with me .... he was playful and silly........felt good to see him this way again!

Wed I'm going to daughters' house to bake Christmas cookies. We're both looking forward to it!

tuesday

 Billy I know you don't like when I talk about my mom. So you may not want to read this post!

It's been almost a month since I left work. You'd think my house would be clean and organized. It's not! Far from it! I'm surrounded by dust and clutter.

I did find it in me to put up my Christmas tree last night..............and then I hated it. I just wanted to drag it outside and leave it on the curb for the garbage man..................and then I missed my mom............and remembered how on that last Christmas together I hugged her and told her I loved her before leaving her house........and when I got to my car realized I'd left my glasses on her counter....so I went back in her house, hugged her tight and told her again I loved her. She wanted me to spend the night that night........I'd been caring for her for months. She depended on  me. She felt less anxious when I was with her. I had been up for days it seemed, and I was getting sick.Mom fell 3 days before Christmas. I found her on the bathroom floor. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. She thought she was in the bed. Instead she was on the cold hard bathroom floor. Dad was knocked out on the sofa with Bronchitis. He didn't know she was on the floor. She told me that day she was dying.  "I'm dying, Sandy." That's what she said. I knew she was.... But when she said it I  cried. I looked at her and cried. I couldn't find any words. I wish I would have reassured her, or asked her if she was scared.......I wish I had said something, anything. But all I could do was cry...... So my mom redirected the conversation.....She did not want to go to the hospital when I asked. She said she just wanted to be home to have a beautiful Christmas with her family.
 I had my oldest sister spend the night with mom on Christmas night. I just couldn't do it. I could see the disappointment on moms face. She wanted me there. I was sick.  I got home that night and began with severe chills, fever, runny nose and cough.......and for 48 hours I was out of commission. I tried to get up but just couldn't do it.
I missed those two days with my mom. I'm OK with it except

 I'm not sure she knows why I wasn't there............it wasn't like I just had a simple cold. I literally couldn't stand........other wise I would have been there! I did spend the 28 and 29th with her.....stayed over on the 29th and she died the morning of the 30th. I was in bed with her.......as was 2 of my sisters.......dad and another sister was at the bedside. Just seconds before her last breath she smiled. I like to think that as she was leaving her body and looking down at herself, she smiled because she could see we were all there with her.................mom was opposed to Hospice, or any in house care from outside agencies. I knew hospice was coming to the house on the 26th to talk to and admit her. They'd come to her home to help with her care. Luckily I was sick and not there.............she was angry when they came but I'm sure she thought that when I got back to her, I would stop them from coming. I promised her I would never allow hospice to care for her. Unfortunately I made that promise before I knew that someday I would need their help.  For that reason I'm glad I was sick that day.She didn't know I knew they were coming......that's why I think she was thinking I'd fire them when I got back to her!...........we also had an at home nursing agency that would be coming 2 days a week I think. Their first day was on the 26th. The day after moms funeral my sisters and I were in the living room with dad at his and moms house.
The phone rang but we all ignored it..............the answering machine picked up the call..............it was the visiting nursing agency calling. They left a message asking mom to give them a second chance.
My sisters and I looked at each other and then laughed. I was so happy she fired them.....that even in the end while she was so sick she still had control over some things!
I just miss her, that's all.... I just miss her.

thursday

My cat, Mr. Bojangles disappeared 2 days ago.
Boyfriend said the raccoon's probably got him, or a car.
My heart was broken. The worse part was not knowing. Thinking about him out there somewhere
injured, cold, and slowly dying was heart breaking. All I wanted was for him to be back home.
Last night I couldn't sleep. At 3 AM
I wrapped up in a blanket and went to my front porch.I was hoping kitty would be there! Boyfriend joined me.
We heard a meow that sounded muffled and far away. It was coming from my neighbors garage.. So I walked over to their driveway and called for kitty. There was definitely a cat in there meowing back at me. They have a couple cats but I just knew this was my cat crying out, scratching even on the garage door. So I stayed on our front porch until 7 am when I knew the boy next door would be leaving to walk to school. He came out the front door at 7:04.
I told him I thought my cat was in his garage, and asked him to check his garage for me. He reported that he already checked his garage yesterday when he heard that my cat was missing. I'd already decided I was going to call the police if they wouldn't check their garage. But fortunately he reluctantly agreed to check again. Tucked away in the far corner of their basement area I could hear kitty crying........he was hiding behind a large pile of stuff but came out when I called him.
I was so happy I could barely contain myself!..............................Mr Bojangles ran to our front porch and then into the house when I opened the door.
I just look at him and feel such relief that he is OK, and such happiness that he is safe and home.

Boyfriend is doing so/so. He had 11 days of nausea and vomiting and sleeping most of the time. Then he accidently double dosed his medications and passed out on the living room floor. I called 911......went to the ER where boyfriend then remembered taking his medications twice. They ended up keeping him over night to keep an eye on him and to re hydrate him. It's his week off of chemo so he's doing a little better. But right now he's not sure he wants to continue the chemotherapy. So we will see...........

Yesterday was daughter's off day. She came over and we hung out.........watched a movie and had dinner together.
It was nice.

Boyfriend wants to pass out 20 one hundred dollar bills to strangers over the holiday season. It's on our bucket list. So we're going to the bank today then coming home to fill the money holders. I won't tell anyone about it other than on here!
We'll see how people react.....looking forward to it!