My Dad

My son will be 18 on Aug. 6. He will start college Aug.21. I've spent the last 2 days cleaning, re-decorating, painting and re-organizing his bedroom as a birthday gift to him. I can't wait until he sees it! Oh, and I got him a new desk, comfy desk chair, and created a space for him to do his studying. It looks pretty good. I hope he loves it. :O)
My dad is having surgery tomorrow. He's having a total hip replacement. I know he's scared. It's only normal to be scared..........but he will be ok........his five daughters are nurses and we will do everything in our power to make sure he gets good care.
I love my dad. How he survived raising 5 daughters is beyond me........xox to my dad.

A Lonely Picnic table

I can't sleep. Woke up coughing, stuffed up nose, shoulders and back aching. I'm sick and I wish I had a shot to make me feel better.
I probably could have slept through getting sick, but I had a nightmare of sorts. Recently my neighbor murdered his wife, daughter, daughters boyfriend and the family pets. As I was driving by their house today, I again looked at the picnic table in the back yard of that house. The table is one of those big, orange and yellow bulky tables you buy for younger children. It's been there since Sunny (the daughter) was a little girl. It sits there alone, in the yard of what is now a vacant house. Little Sonny used to play at that table making mud pies and sticks and rock stew............back when she still had a future on this earth, back before her father called her from her boyfriends house to tell her to come home right away because something was wrong with her mother, and when she came home like the good girl she was, she was murdered by that bastard of a father. I hope she didn't know that her mother had already been shot. I hope she didn't see her pet dogs lying there bleeding. I hope she didn't have to watch her father kill her boyfriend......and i hope that her, her mother and her boyfriend are in heaven holding hands, no longer afraid, living a happy afterlife. Seeing that picnic table day after day makes me feel sad, and yet I worry each day when I drive by that it will have been removed.
In my dream I was inside Sonnys house, going from room to room, looking for clues, trying to figure out how things could have gone so wrong. As I walked through the house someone begins to play the piano in one of the other rooms. I instinctively know it's Sonnys dad. I am consumed with fear but I know ihave to face him, the bastard that he is...........suddenly the house shows signs of being in the process of being rehabed, and although the changes are nice, they anger me. I am in the same room as her father and I lie to him about liking the changes to the place because I know it's the only way to stop him from hurting me.....................and then I wake up.............and here I sit, feeling sick....and a little more than sad for Sunny.

We-Ping

My new kitty, We-Ping. I've had her for 3 days. She had been abandoned. I took her to the Vet yesterday. He said she's Siamese, 3 weeks old, and she weighs 1/2 a pound. The poor thing was infested with fleas, dehydrated, and scared. 

Losing It

One of the things I miss about being married is having someone next to me in the bed at night. It feels good to lay in bed and be able to talk to someone, or hold them, have sex with them, or just listen to the other person breathe until you drift off to sleep.It's comforting, and it's something I took for granted.

I worked today. I wanted to walk out. I wanted to say fuck it, but I couldn't because I need the income. The little things that I used to take in stride, like when the pharmacy and medical doctor are in a power struggle,and their power struggle is wasting my valuable time, and all I want is my FUCKING patients medicine but I can't get it because of THEIR FUCKING struggle, I don't know how to handle those things anymore. I find myself wanting to tell them all to fuck off, and I want to throw the phone against the wall until it breaks into a million little pieces, and then walk out and drive to a friends house and have a cold beer. But instead I hold my frustration in and end up with this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm definitely losing it, and it's just a matter of time until I do blow up and end up losing my job.

When I came home from work I went skinny dipping in my pool. The water felt like silk against my skin. It was relaxing and liberating. I highly recommend it if you ever get the chance.

regrets

I think it hit 94 today, and the humidity is very high. It's gross outside. When I got home from work I peeled off my scrubs and went swimming. It felt good.
My kids are with their father till Wed. They stay here a week, and then there for a week. After the divorce he bought a house down the street, up the hill around the corner. It's worked out pretty well. We're in walking distance to each other which has made it easier on the kids, especially when they were younger. I talk to all of them everyday, and they're in and out even while at their dads house. The ideal situation is for kids to live together with their mom and dad, under one roof. I had that while I was growing up, and I was grateful for it. I wish I could have given that to my children.

On Call

My on call status started Friday at 5PM.
My first call came at 1AM....Me:this is Jane
Chris: hi jane. I wanted to know if I could leave an hour early.
Me:who is this
Chris:it's Chris. I'm really tired and wanted to know if I can leave an hour early.
Me:No
Chris:T!
Me:good night Chris
The second call came at 2:30A
Me:this is Jane
Linda:Hi Boo Boo!
Me:
Linda:you awake girl!
Me:Hi Linda. What do you need?
Linda:I can't make it to work tomorrow.
Me:You're calling off for 3P-11P?
Linda:yes!
Me:you're waking me at 2:30a to call off for 3-11?
Linda:(giggles)I'm sick
Me:I'll take you off the schedule. Don't call me anymore before 5a if you're calling off for the evening shift.
Linda:you know I love ya!Tell Chuckie Poo hi!
3rd call came at 3am
Me:this is Jane.
Gloria:the toilet in the shower room is running over. It's out in the hallway and everything!!
Me:call enviromental!
5am....alarm goes off....time to get up for work.......my kitty is sound asleep next to me, and i'm jealous.

Kitty

 
This is my new kitty. Her name is Penelope 

Mr tree

 
This is the maple tree in my backyard. 

Walking A Fine Line

So I changed my AOL settings to Spanish to see what it looks like. Now I can't figure out how to change it back cause I can't read the Spanish. Mother Fuck me!

Work was just the usual day in paradise. Supply shortage, patient overload, welfare people who think they are at the Hilton, and I'm their butler. I'm having a meltdown.....I even offered the Administrator $100.00 if he'd move a particularily difficult patient to another unit, and I begged my D.O.N. to do the same....I told her I was walking a fine line and he was gonna be the one to push me over. They thought I was joking until I burst into tears. Is it normal to cry everday at work? Is it normal to feel like your head and stomach will explode at any given moment out of frustration, while at work? Is it normal to walk away from another person while at work, and as you are walking away you whisper "fuck you, you dick head!" and flip them the bird? Cause if it is, things here are fine and dandy!

Roses, Cajun chicken, Wonderful kids

Worked today. I don't need to be practicing nursing anymore. I'm so pathetically burned out.
I just can't do it anymore. The demands are more than I can handle, or maybe more than i care to handle.....who knows?
I wonder if there's help out there for nurses that are truely burned out. I'll have to do a little research.
On the homefront, my son brought roses home to me yesterday. Lovely pink and red roses with baby breath.......and if that wasn't enough, he told me he was going to cook supper. He made some delicious cajun chicken. He's my oldest son, and the best young guy in the world. If ever there was a perfect kid, it would be him. I don't know what I did to be so lucky in the kid department (knock on wood)but I've truely been blessed with wonderful children.

July 3

Today is my off day...yay!
When I woke up this morning I stayed in bed and finished the book i've been reading. It was a happy ending, just the way I like it!

Tomorrow is the 4th, and I have to work. I will get paid double time. Since it's a holiday, it shouldn't be too busy, and even though I hate my job, I don't mind going in if I'm being paid double time.

We are having a grill out tomorrow when I get home from work. The pool is filled and clean, and ready to go......i'm very much looking forward to spending 4th of July evening with my kids and boyfriend.

My kitty hasn't come home. I miss her. I hope she isn't homeless, hungry and lonesome. I still hold out hope that one day I will open the kitchen door and there she will be. I will scorn her for leaving, but mostly I will kiss and pet her.

My x husband has been riding his motorcycle across America for the past couple weeks.
We talked on the phone a few days ago. He was in California when we spoke. It sounds as though he's met some interesting characters, and is having a great time. And while I am happy that he is fullfilling a life time dream, it would have been nice if he had used the money he has spent on his trip to help pay for his sons college expenses.