Fuck him. I'm not a 3

Took boyfriend to the airport today. When we kissed good-bye I felt a little guilty for looking forward to his being gone for awhile.

I cleaned like a mad woman this afternoon.. My house is spotless. (not counting the kids bedrooms)

I miss my sons. They're busy doing their thing (as they should be) and so I don't see them as often as I would like.

It was just Emily (my daughter) and I here for dinner. We set the table with the "good stuff", including wine glasses and candlelight. She got a kick out of it, as did I.

My favorite Idol hopeful so far is Chris. Chris is the heavy set guy with longish curly hair. I like his personality. He's funny, and doesn't seem to be trying to be something he's not. His singing isn't the best, but his personality makes up for it.

I'd give my right arm to be in Miami Beach right now. I miss it!

Fuck Off, Airplane

I went shopping last evening and bought a treadmill. ....... tired of walking in the cold. I think it keeps track of the miles I walk which will be cool cause right now I don't keep track. I just walk until I don't want to walk anymore.
My boyfriend is going to Colorado next week to visit his family. He'll be gone for 5 days. ("even lovers need a holiday, far away, from each other.") I'm looking forward to it. Is that a bad thing?
My ex-husband is going to China next month for a couple of months. I won't say more about
that other than it's one of those times that I have to bite my tongue. ( i get tired of biting my tongue)

We won 14 dollars in Wed.'s Powerball. We used the money for Saturdays lotto. I havent checked yet to see if we won.


I just finished reading the five people you meet in heaven......the guy who wrote it also wrote tuesdays with morrie.........i enjoyed both.

I don't want to die. It's not so much that death/dying scares me. It's more a matter of not wanting to leave my children.

I had that airplane dream again the other night. I dreamed I was at an old childhood friends house looking out the window, taking in all the changes to the surroundings. Some guy outside set off an alarm, I looked at my friends father and I asked him why the guy was sounding the alarm. My friends father started to run. I looked out the window to see 2 airplanes coming towards the house, both of them were on fire. I ran and wondered where in the house my daughter might be. The planes hit and I could feel myself dying. I said a quick prayer asking God to let us live. Then I woke up.....and I was angry because I'm sick of this dream. Sick of the fear I feel when I have the dream. I'm going to try to remember the next time I'm stuck in the dream that it's just a dream..............and maybe if I don't run and if I tell the airplane to fuck off then it will go away for good. We'll see.

Lotto Boss

My new role at work is taking all the money the recptionist has collected from other employees and buying lottery tickets for the powerball. I'm the only Kentuckian at my work and Ohio doesn't have the powerball, so it's my job to get the tickets. It's not such a bad job having to get the tickets because that means I also get to hold the tickets, and since I'm kind of a control freak, well it just works out.........and I've also set the ground rules.....if you put in more than $1.oo, your take of the prize money doesn't increase......the prize money will be divided equally between those who put in money, .......if your name is not on the money envelope then you don't get a cut of the prize.
I think the powerball is somewhere around 230 million dollars............my boss asked me if I'd continue to work if we win........told her no! So she asks me if I'd give a 2 week notice if I won........um, no. She says I shouldn't burn bridges.
So anyway, if you hear on the news about a bridge burning in Ohio, then you know I've hit the lotto!

The Other Cat

It's been pretty cold so we brought outdoor kitty inside. You can't tell from this picture but he's huge.........and unlike We-Ping who seldom meows, this kitty doesn't quit meowing until he gets what he wants. We-Ping has been shadowing him all day. He ignores her. His name is Clarabell. I initially thought he was a girl and the name stuck. He'll be 3 on Mothers Day. The kids have his sister at their dads house.

radioactive seeds and diamonds

Brachytherapy involves the use of tiny radioactive seeds implanted directly in the prostate, delivering a constant dose of radiation. Read More.............
my dad had this done today and is doing well.

i shopped monday......spent the money my mom gave to me........i bought some princess cut diamond earrings, a soft leather Guess catch all handbag/purse, and some yummy perfume.........it was fun!

Tuesday

American Idol starts a new season tonight. Yay!

Took my daughter to the doctor today. She's a sick pup but will be okay after some antibiotics.

Talked to my ex-husband yesterday. We wished each other a happy anniversary. It wasn't sad or emotional. He didn't almost cry, I didn't almost cry.......it was different this year......yay!

We-Ping has been really aggressive lately. She sneaks up on us and bites......not playful bites, but mean little bites. I'm not sure what to do!

I have a crush on my bosses husband. Work crushes are fun.

Our Anniversary

Today is my wedding anniversary. Yes we're divorced, but it's still the day we got married. We eloped. It was just the two of us at the JP. We didn't think to bring witnesses. We didn't know you had to have them. The JP called the little chili parlor across the street and they sent over two elderly gentlemen to witness our marriage. It was sweet, and emotional, and very special...
.......and although I was the one who left the marriage, I wish it would have worked out.
Today my husband and I will acknowledge our anniversary....we will talk and tell each other that inspite of it all, we've done a good job with the kids and will continue to do so.....and we will acknowledge that there were great times.......and we still wish each other a happy, healthy life....and I will say I love you "C" and he will respond by saying I love you too.

A Gift

My mom called lastnight.
Me..hello
Mom...whatcha doing?
Me...why? what's wrong?
Mom...(lil giggle)nothing is wrong. Everything there ok?
Me..uh huh
Mom...what are you doing tomorrow?
Me..... nothing really. Do you need me to do something?
Mom....well I spent the day shopping trying to find you and your sisters the perfect piece of jewelry...I really tried, but I couldn't find it so I wanted to bring over a little monetary gift.
Me....huh?
Mom....oh I didn't tell you! I won $5000.
Me....no way! how'd you do that?
Mom...your father and I went to the boat, and I won...and it was fun!
Me...what machine did you win it on?
Mom...some quarter machine. I was playing 5 quarters at a time.
Me...no way! did the lights blink and bells ring and stuff.
Mom.....actually it was pretty quiet. I think they had the sound turned down....they keep things pretty quiet there when people win.
Me...what did dad say when you won.
Mom...(laughs) ....he said "what's 5 divided by2." (laughs)......so will you be home tomorrow?
Me...mom, I don't want your money.
Mom...I wanted to do something for you and your sisters. I just couldn't find the perfect piece of jewelry. I'll stop over tomorrow, ok?
Me..ok mom.
Mom...if you talk to your sisters, don't say anything to them. I want it to be a surprise!
Me..okay!
Mom...all the kids okay?
Me..yes. Dad feeling alright?
Mom....He's fine! "E" (my oldest son) stopped over the other day to help dad move some furniture. He looked so handsome, Jane.
Me...He's a good person, mom.
Mom...yes. Well I'll see you tomorrow.
Me....okay mom, see you then..tell dad hi......I love you.
Mom...I love you!

Crazy in Divorce

One of the doctors I work with, and who I've known for a couple years, came to work today with moist, red, swollen eyes. I've noticed that over the past few months she's been withdrawn, and has been losing weight. I've known something is wrong, and kinda just let her know that I'm concerned and I''m there for her if she needs to talk. So when she came in today all snotty nosed and red eyed I again let her know that if she needed anything, or just wanted to talk to let me know.........later in the day she pulled me aside to tell me her husband wants a divorce, has been seeing another woman for several months, and he says there's no chance of working things out. She's crushed and feels she is 'losing it." My heart goes out to her. I know she is going through one of the worse times of her life. I really tried to listen to her, and I hope I said some of the right things to help her.
One of the things she said to me is "I'm not strong like you"............I wanted to tell her that while I was going through my divorce (just before, during, and after my divorce) I could only sleep on my couch, dining room floor, or in my car (yes, some of the time, though very rarely, I actually slept in my car) I could NOT sleep in the bedroom!I didn't tell her how after my first Christmas alone I left my Christmas tree up until August. I couldn't bring myself to take the fucker down.......My friend Lisa would call periodically to check on the status of the tree, and she thought it hysterical that it was still standing .When a man from the bank came to appraise my home, in August, and my christmas Tree was still up, I know he had to think I was some crazy lady, but I didn't care enough to take the tree down, and I don't think I cared enough to come up with some sort of story for it still being up.I also didn't tell her how I developed a fear opening my mailbox and my mail. I forbid the kids to bring the mail in the house. I'dpanic if they'd bring it in and I'd make them take it back outside to the mailbox. I'd call my sister to come over, bring the mail in, sort through it, write checks to pay bills, and throw the junk away. While she was doing this for me I'd close myself in another room, turn on music so I couldn't hear her working, and wait anxiously for her to finish the job...........and then when I became too embarassed to ask her to come do the mail thing for me, I'd check all my accounts online or via the phone, and pay them that way. I could not bring myself to open mail or the mailbox. The very thought made my palms sweat, my heart race, and stomach sick! I hated the mailbox and whatever might be in it! I'm not sure what exactly I was afraid would happen if I opened the mail, or the mailbox for that matter.... It's crazy! I knew it was crazy, but I couldn't control it..... and I still don't completely understand it.....but it happened! Over time I worked through my fear..........at first I was able to open the mailbox then slam it shut....nad then I was able to look through the mail, but I'd have to throw it back in the mailbox......then I was able to let the kids bring it in the house, but they had to put it on the counter by the door...&....then I was able to bring it in the house myself, but I couldn't open it ........eventually I was able to open it but not able to mail out my payments in the provided envelopes.........and at some point I was able to do all the things normal people do with their mail. I'm not sure when I got to that point, but I did..........and at some point I quit sleeping on the floor or couch and started sleeping in my bed again. .....and I take my Christmas tree down on New Years Day (although I havne't yet this year, but only cause I've had a cold and a stomach thing.....................I forget what my point was, or if I even had one..........oh........divorce will make you temporarily crazy whether or not you're strong..............but even so, she'll find out she's a lot stronger than she thought she was.....and she will get through it in her own time, in her own way. Most people do.....

Happy New Years

I spent a quiet New Years eve with We-Ping. We watched a Hallmark movie, which wasn't half bad, but only seemed to depress me more because I hadn't planned on spending that one night a year when you're supposed to be with people you love/atleast like, dressed up, laughing, drinking, listening to great music, and then kissing someone special when the clock hits midnight. I was worried I was setting the stage for the year to come, and I didn't like that I was feeling alone, a little depressed, and sorry for myself.
So we watched the Hallmark movie, had a late supper which consisted of Oatmeal Crisp. We-Ping lapped up the left over milk from my cereal bowl. We played with a shoestring, soaked in a hot bath (We-Ping sat on the edge of the bath while I soaked) and then we cuddled under the warm, hand made afghan that my boyfriends sister gave to me for Christmas and we read a little Stephen King.

I haven't given New Years resolutions much thought but there are some things I'd like to change.........I'd like to stop the negative thoughts that I allow to run through my head each morning upon waking. I didn't realize until recently that my first thoughts each morning are negative thoughts about myself. Most of which, after consideration, I know aren't true. So then why do I do it? I guess it's habit, and I'm going to stop.
I swear I'm going to stop trying to control every aspect of my childrens lives. They will make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. It's part of what life is all about. I need to step back and let them be the young adults I've raised them to be. They will do just fine.
I want to walk/clog everyday. It feels good, so why not do it everyday? With my mom and dad both being diagnosed with cancer in 2006, I find myself worrying way to often about my own health and inevitable demise. Exercise will give me some feeling of control.
I will have a bigger, better garden this year.......and I will get to the Cantaloups before the moles get to them.

My list isn't complete, but I'll add to it as the year goes on.