I See Dead People

My moms colonoscopy was normal. No cancer! She checked herself out of the hospital this evening rather than staying another day or two as suggested by her doctor...........we'll see.

One of my patients died early this morning before my shift started. His body hadn't been picked up yet and so I went in to see him......I'd taken care of him for atleast 4 years and I wanted to pay my respects..............he didn't look dead. He wasn't even pale. So I looked a little closer and thought I saw him take a breath. I went back to the nurses station to grab my stethoscope. I was trying to do it without letting the 11-7 shift nurse see me. I didn't want her to think I didn't trust her judgement....but on the other hand I was the one who would be releasing the body to the funeral home.........so I got my stethoscope, went back to his room, listened fo ra heartbeat......didn't hear one.....confirmed to myself that he was in fact dead....turned to leave the room, and there stood the 11-7 nurse........I could feel my face turning red........ I explained to her that I didn't want to be on the 5 oclock news for releasing a live man to the funeral home, that he didn't look dead...&....I had to make sure since I was the one who'd be releasing the body. She wasn't offended. She knows me. She even laughed. :O)~ SO that's how I started my day, looking at a dead man.........Illness and death surround me these days....at home and at work. I need a happy diversion.

sick kitty

We-Ping has had what we thought was leg pain. Yesterday we found a mass on her left side. It was the size of a lemon. I took her to the Vet today. He shaved some of her fur and we noted bite marks on her skin. The Vet said the bite was probably from another cat. The area was abscessed. The Vet incised and drained the abscess and then irrigated it with betadine. He gave her an injection of antibiotic, and sent her home with oral antibiotics. Kitty handled it like a pro. I bought her a pillow filled with cat nip. She chewed on it on the way home from the doctor. I think it helped to ease her pain. :O)

words unspoken

I woke in a panic this morning certain I'd made a medication error Thursday at work. The panic woke me from a sound sleep. I was like, OMG, the dose she ordered was way to high and I didn't pay attention to it! I got out of bed and called the nurse on duty. I was scared to death she was going to tell me the patient had died, or I was in big trouble, or both. The nurse on duty told me the dose was actually a low dose of the med. and aside from the patient saying "I ain't doing shit until Sandy comes back!" he is doing fine. I was sure I'd screwed up but so relieved to hear I didn't!

Friday night I was at the hospital with my mom. I was sitting in the chair next to her bed. She looks at me and says I'm sorry for being a bad mom. I asked her what she was talking about. She said "I couldn't clean up yours and your sisters vomit. It made me sick and I just couldn't do it." I asked her who cleaned it up. She said "I know I use to cover it up. I'd throw a towel over it. I could cover it up really good. I guess I made you guys clean it up." I said "mom, I don't ever remember having to clean up my vomit when I was a kid." But what I really wanted to say was that I remember waking up in the night with a snotty nose, sore throat and cough........and you would crawl out of bed to give me cough medicine, baby aspirin, and you'd rub Vicks Salve on my chest and back........and then you would put sheets on the couch, wipe away my tears, hug and kiss me.....and then tuck me in on the couch because it was closer to your bedroom.......and I always felt loved and cared for..............................................................but I didn't say any of that because I was afraid I'd cry........and I didn't want to cry in front of her. ANd now I feel guilty for not saying it. I need to say it, and she probably needs to hear it.............

Thursday

Mom is back in the hospital. They're giving her more blood, and will be doing some tests to find out why she's bleeding again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not cancer.
MY dad spent some of his childhood in a catholic orphanage. They were mean to him. I don't think he's ever forgiven them. Whenever my mom is in the hospital, dad parks in the clergy parking space. I think he started doing it because of his unresolved anger towards nuns and priests.It was his way of saying F You! He continues to do it though, I think, because he knows we (my sisters and I) laugh about it. He's such a trip. I remember one time we were in the waiting room while mom was having heart surgery. A nun introduced herself, offered her services and before leaving asked if we had any questions. Dad asked her what she thought of those pedophile priests. Maybe it was mean, I don't know.........I do know I almost choked on the soft drink I was drinking.

Tuesday

I checked the sign while daughter was in the orthodontists office. I guess they've decided not to correct it!

Off Day

Today is my off day. I woke to the sound of rain. It was pouring down, so I stayed in bed and just listened.

WePing has a sore leg or hip. She growls/meows when I try to have a look. I'll give it a couple days and then decide if she needs the vet.

I have to take daughter to the orthodontist today to pick up her retainer. I also need to ask him about her bottom 2 front teeth. They have a slight overlap. Hopefully the retainer will correct it.

Daughter got roses for Sweetest Day from her boyfriend. She was happy. The guys I dated in high school were too poor to afford flowers.............and my husband thought they were a waste of money. He started buying them for me towards the end of our marriage......which was sweet in a sad sort of way...............I went to his house on Sweetest Day to drop off a photo album I made for my daughter as a Sweetest Day gift. It included all the pictures we'd taken of the homecoming day parade, football game and homecoming dance. Exhusband said "Happy Sweetest Day." I knew that his wasn't, as his girlfriend is a drunk, and is still in jail for whatever reason.................and when he asked me if my boyfriend got me diamonds/flowers/chocolates, I wondered if he would take pleasure in knowing that boyfriend hadn't acknowledged Sweetest Day. I wondered if it would please him to know that I prepare myself not to be hurt/not to have any expectations when it comes to days like valentines/sweetest day.............and I try to tell myself that they really dont mean a thing and I shouldn't fall for the hype.BUt I do anyway. I don't know how to not, try as I may...................I want good things for my ex. He's my kids dad and if I wish him bad, it's like wishing bad things for my kids....................................I hope he feels the same.

Wed.

Daughter got her braces off yesterday. SInce I couldn't be there with her we text messaged a couple times throughout the procedure. SO I was kind of there with her. They gave her the pieces of her braces because she wants to put them in her memory box. Bless her heart. But anyway, her teeth really do look good. Yay!

Boyfriend isn't speaking to me. I guess it's been 3 days of being given the silent treatment. I asked him today why we aren't talking and he said "there's nothing to talk about." Um, okay. Whatever.

My work has spent a fortune on pumpkins, hay stacks, scarecrows, mums, cornstalks and ect. for an up coming community open house. My feeling is that you don't buy pumpkins if your employees dont have chairs at their desks to sit in...............

Chairless

I need a new chair at work. Both of the chairs at my desk are broken. One is a stool that is supposed to have 4 wheels, or whatever they're called. But one of the wheels is missing and so it threatens to tip over. Every time I sit on it I see myself falling forward and breaking my front teeth on the desk. The other chair is missing an arm which really isn't a big deal, I can live without the arm. But it also has a broken back. So when you're involved in your paper work and forget about the back being broken, relax and lean, and then practically topple backwards out of the chair, that's a big deal. I hinted about needing a new chair. That didn't do any good. I've told my boss that I need a new chair. Didn't do any good. I've stolen/exchanged my chair for chairs out of other peoples offices. I got yelled at.......................I'm at a loss.........

Monday

My mom spent Friday night in the hospital. Her blood count had dropped so low that she couldn't breathe. They gave her some blood and then she went home. I went to see her yesterday and was shocked at how pale she is......but she says she feels way better, and the shortness of breath is gone. So that's good! I don't want her to die. I try really hard not to think about it, but I do anyway...........



Daughter gets her braces off her teeth tomorrow. Boyfriend is taking her because I have to work. It's a really big deal to her, and so I wish I could be there. I'm thinking about calling in to work........but I know I shouldn't. So even if I'm not there when she gets them off, doesn't mean I can't make a big deal out of it when I get home from work and see her beautiful teeth for the first time. Right? I like her braces. They look like pretty jewels. I'm gonna miss them.

quitting smoking

I just took my first dose of Chantix. Quitting – CHANTIX Official Site – CHANTIX is a Prescription Medicine to Help I'm trying to keep busy hoping I'll forget that I just took a pill I've never taken before. I HATE TAKING NEW DRUGS. I get anxious about the POSSIBLE side effects. Nausea is one of the poss. side effects and more than anything I hate feeling sick to my stomach!
I have to quit smoking. I want to quit smoking. I hope and pray that this medicine will help me to reach my goal. I don't have a plan B.

Today is my off day. I wanted to sleep in but received 4 work related calls between 4am and 7:10am. I gave up!

I wish I was in a better mood. I wish I had something cheerful to say.

PS

I don't like Tyra Banks

Too Tired To Come Up With A Title!

I guess I'm not dying.
The3 tumors on my abd. are lipomas.Lipoma - CNN.com
The tumor on the backside of my left arm is a cyst.
The difficulty breathing and fatigue are both the result of a little cardiac problem that medicine should take care of.

I don't have anything to blog about. I asked boyfriend what I should write about and he said I should write about how I'm taking him out tomorrow for lunch and to buy a diamond ring. It's news to me!

HomecomingDance

I hope she's having the time of her life. :O)

homecoming (continue)

homecoming game and parade

Lastnight was the homecoming football game. It started with a parade to the stadium, and then we played our biggest rivals. They killed us but it was still lots of fun............................

i think i'm sick. i hope it isn't cancer

I don't want to die just yet, you know? I still have my daughter to raise and my sons still need me. But because I feel so terribly sick, and because I still have those little nodule like areas on my abdomen(you can't see them, but you can feel them, and they are tender to touch) and now on the back side of my arm, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to find out why the heck I'm so exhausted , and what the heck all these nodule like areas are...........and why I'm having trouble breathing..................call me a sissy, but I'm scared.