words unspoken

I woke in a panic this morning certain I'd made a medication error Thursday at work. The panic woke me from a sound sleep. I was like, OMG, the dose she ordered was way to high and I didn't pay attention to it! I got out of bed and called the nurse on duty. I was scared to death she was going to tell me the patient had died, or I was in big trouble, or both. The nurse on duty told me the dose was actually a low dose of the med. and aside from the patient saying "I ain't doing shit until Sandy comes back!" he is doing fine. I was sure I'd screwed up but so relieved to hear I didn't!

Friday night I was at the hospital with my mom. I was sitting in the chair next to her bed. She looks at me and says I'm sorry for being a bad mom. I asked her what she was talking about. She said "I couldn't clean up yours and your sisters vomit. It made me sick and I just couldn't do it." I asked her who cleaned it up. She said "I know I use to cover it up. I'd throw a towel over it. I could cover it up really good. I guess I made you guys clean it up." I said "mom, I don't ever remember having to clean up my vomit when I was a kid." But what I really wanted to say was that I remember waking up in the night with a snotty nose, sore throat and cough........and you would crawl out of bed to give me cough medicine, baby aspirin, and you'd rub Vicks Salve on my chest and back........and then you would put sheets on the couch, wipe away my tears, hug and kiss me.....and then tuck me in on the couch because it was closer to your bedroom.......and I always felt loved and cared for..............................................................but I didn't say any of that because I was afraid I'd cry........and I didn't want to cry in front of her. ANd now I feel guilty for not saying it. I need to say it, and she probably needs to hear it.............