burn out

I'd give my left kidney to not have to go to work tomorrow.
I hate sounding like a broken record, but I am so burned out on my work.
There's no easy answer to my problem.

Breaking the law........and coming close to being famous

I Break The Law............

I smoke in airport bathrooms.. I hide in a stall and I blow the smoke in towards the toilet water in hopes that the water will absorb the smoke.

I steal a big green olive from the salad bar at the grocery store each time I grocery shop. If I'm not in the mood for the olive, I take a grape.

I was almost famous.... kinda.... sorta......well not really but........

I was on the radio once. I called in to a talk show. I forget the subject of the show. But I called and made it on the air.
I've been in the newspaper 4 times. Once in a work advertisement. Once while at a memorial service. Twice while doing community theatre.
I've been on TV once. I was on maternity leave while pregnant with my daughter. A friend invited me to go to the Jerry Springer show. His show started in Cincinnati. It wasn't trailor trash like when it first started. But anyway, I went........my friend taped the show. I had 3 closeups. :O) It was fun to watch.

Friday

I took daughter, boyfriend and one of daughters girlfriends out to dinner lastnight. I had twin lobster tails, boyfriend had hot wings, and the girls had chicken tenders. It was delicious, and it was an enjoyable evening.

Daughter is back at school and so far no major complaints.

Joplin my new cat has almost doubled in size. She's a playful little thing. It's almost annoying. She goes nuts over table food. Especially mac-n-cheese and eggs. We-Ping has yet to warm up to her. I don't think she ever will.

Work is going well. My DON informed me that I will be the day shift supervisor. We have a meeting next Friday where I'll be given all the details.

The health department was at my door a few days ago. My new neighbors called them to report a mosquito problem. Apparently they(my neighbors) think it has something to do with my property. So the health department came to my house, walked all of my property, and then said something like "I'm sick of these false reports."
The backyards on my side of the street are bordered by the woods. I think that has something to do with the mosquitos. My neighbor thinks it has something to do with my veggie garden. The health department doesn't agree with my neighbor. So fuck em!

Today is my off day. Yay!

this n that

So I was sitting at a table at my daughters sports banquet.......boyfriend was with me......we arrived just a few minutes before the dinner was to start so we really didn't have a choice of where to sit. We were stuck sitting with a couple who I've known casually through the years from attending sporting events and dinners such as the one I'm writing about..............on the drive to the dinner boyfriend and I talked about work sick days, and our philosophy on using those sick days. My philosophy is that life is short, and whether or not you're sick, you should use your sick days. All of them! USE THEM............HAVE SOME FUN..........IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT WORK........PLAYING HOOKY IS FUN!...plus your employer will never be as loyal to you as you may be to them, and if you think they will be, let me tell you you're dead wrong!.....................so we're seated next to this perfectly stuffy couple, who have perfectly neurotic kids, and the topic of conversation is people who call in sick to work.

Stuffy couple believes you should go to work no matter what, and no matter how sick you may be....... Boyfriends giving me the "eye" and kicking me under the table...................and he's daring me to share my philosphy. But I couldn't do it. I wanted to with every ounce of my being. But I was afraid of being judged........kinda like I was judging them. I'm such a puss when it comes to letting people know the real me. I have a deep fear of not being liked. I try to be what I think people want me to be. I'm better about it than I used to be because I've worked on it.........I'm just not all the way there yet!



Daughters birthday party was a success. Fun was had by all..................tomorrow is her birthday. Her cheerleading coach called me to tell me that since daughters birthday is on the first day back to school.....coach has decorated her door at school in honor of daughters birthday. I'm sure it will make daughter smile.



When I turned 16, and when my 4 sisters turned 16, we would wake in the morning to dads stereo playing "16 candles." Dad is out of town for daughters birthday. But when we went to see him last week, dad played "she was only 16" on his stereo, and he sang to daughter as the song played. It was funny, and sweet.



Work is going good. The new owners aren't playing. They mean what they say and say what they mean. I like it.

my day

Today is my moms birthday. Daughter and I spent most of the afternoon with her and my dad. It was a pretty nice day.

This evening boyfriend and I had dinner on the deck. The weather is perfect today. So dinner on the deck was enjoyable.

I spent the morning shopping with daughter. We had to buy some of the stuff needed for her 16th birthday party. She's going to celebrate her birthday this Saturday with a handful of girlfriends that will be spending the night.

I wish I could call off work tomorrow. It's been so beautiful outside. If I'm at work all day I feel like I'm missing out.

shopping, purging, and missing my friend

So after eight and a half hours of shopping, daughter feels like shes hit the lottery, and I'm grateful that she feels that way. I also feel tired!
It was a fun day.
But I'm glad it's over!

I just threw away all of my underwear and socks. My drawer was stuffed. I could barely open it it was so full. I kept two pair of underwear. They were expensive and barely worn so I kept them. I kept a pair of black, brown, tan and blue socks......................but most of my socks are white socks I wear with my work scrubs. I had about a hundred pair.... I had to search every morning through an over stuffed drawer to find mates............... I was tired of it. So I trashed them all........and then I kept 7 pair of my best undies to use for "that time of the month." I threw the remaining 50 or more pairs away & bought all new undies and socks. Now I can get inot my drawer without the drawer getting stuck, and with out crap falling out.............and all of my socks have a mate!

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Chuck lately. He passed away in May. One time he made me a tape with a mix of songs. One of the songs he put on it was a Madonna song. The other day at work one of the housekeepers had a radio playing and that Madonna song came on........it reminded me of the tape Chuck had made for me, and I've been thinking about Chuck ever since. Today I was thinking about him and I could hear him say "I'm dead girl....get over it!" It made me laugh. I know it's what he would say. I just have this feeling that wherever he is, he's happy. I can just feel it. And that makes me feel better. I wish I could give him a kiss and a hug one more time

shopping

I wanted to sleep in today but Joplin woke me chewing on my hair and trying to suckle on my neck. I tossed her from the bed a couple of times but as soon as I'd drift back off to sleep, she'd be right back at it.
I'm taking daughter and one of her girlfriends school clothes shopping today. I'm dreading and looking forward to it all at the same time.
I'm planning on surprising them with a little trip to the beauty shop for haircuts and eyebrow waxings...................and after a long exhaustive day of shopping, I want to take them somewhere nice for a bite to eat. So we'll see how it goes.

Thursday

So I'm standing at the receptionist desk at the end of our work day with 2 other nurses, the 3 of us talking with the receptionist when BAM!........a full blown panic attack from God knows where, hits me. I interrupt the conversation to say "I'm having a full blown panic attack."

The nurse to my left says "I have Xanax, do you want one?" The receptionist says "I have Klonopin in my purse if you want one." And then the 2 of them start discussing their emotional problems and all of the medications they've taken for those problems. The nurse to my right put her arm around my shoulder and asks if my sons 20th birthday is what brought this on...........apparently her son just turned 20 and it caused her to have an anxiety attack. Bless her heart. She's such a nice person and I don't think I've been as nice to her as I could be. That was my thought................and then I started crying.

I'm feeling better now that I'm home and have had a couple hours to relax.

Thursday

Oh to be in Miami Beach sunbathing..................sexy guy massaging suntan oil on my shoulders and back..........great food, music, drinks.......................long night of love making............that's what I wish for. DO YOU HEAR ME, GENIE? HELLO!

bad nurse

I wish I knew how to write. Cause I'd tell you how I have several patients who are sexual predators and I can't stand them. I hate when they speak to me or when I have to speak to them. It makes me cringe. One of them calls me his girlfriend. "How's my girlfriend today?" It makes when want to puke. They whine and complain constantly. One of them yelled and cursed at me today because I refused to give him money. My money, not his money. He doesn't have money because prior to coming to us he was in prison for 18 years. He's a leech on societys back. He has never contributed a thing. He just takes. And when someone tells him NO he throws a tantrum. So today when he yelled and cursed at me I wanted to say to him "FUCK YOU YOU CHILD RAPING BASTARD!"

I'm finding it more and more difficult to remain professional while dealing with these people.

Tuesday

I took a nap after work.
I had a dream that airplanes were crashing into the hotels surrounding the hotel where I was staying.
It's a recurring dream I've had since the divorce. The details change a little from dream to dream. But for the most part it's the same dream. I thought the dream was gone as I haven't had it for several months. I was wrong.
I usually have the dream when my stress level is high.
It was probably brought on from the stress I'm feeling from all the changes at work.

Boyfriend was at my house this morning.
While I was dressing for work he was in the kitchen making coffee.
I yelled to him from my bedroom to ask him the time. But I called him by exhusbands name. Oops! I didn't mean it. I think boyfriend understood that it really didn't mean anything.

Monday

My goal is to go to bed tonight at 7:30 and get ten hours sleep. I'm tired.

I look like a snake shedding its skin. It's from the allergic reaction. Luckily it's just my hands that are shedding. How attractive does that sound?

Ex-husbands girlfriend was at the hospital the day of his motorcycle wreck. It was a little bit uncomfortable though I'm sure no one else was aware of my discomfort. I'm not sure what she was feeling. I do know she wasn't able to look me in the eye. He's been dating her for a couple of months. She's the mother to one of my oldest sons close friends. Back in the day when I was married, exhusbands present girlfriend and I would talk now and then, usually about something in regards to the boys.................and after she started nursing school she'd call me for help with some of her school work, or just to talk about nursing in general......................while I was going through the divorce she'd call now and then to see how things were going. We weren't really friends per say. But I still feel like I've been deceived some how. I wonder how long she's been lurking, and planning to make her move.

She has bleached hair. It's tacky and ugly. I'm just saying....

Sunday

Celebrated middle sons birthday today. We had a nice time. He's a good kid, and I'm proud of him.

I've probably ruined things with the new owners of my work by leaving early Friday.
When son called me to tell me "dad" wrecked his motorcyle, I left work to go to the hospital. So my first day of work with the new owners and I leave early. I'm off to a good start!

The weekend went by way too fast. I wish I had 1 more day. But since I don't, and because I'm tired, I going to bed.

road rash

Ex-husband is okay but he wrecked his Harley on the interstate this morning on his way to work.
Luckily he was driving at a reduced speed through a construction zone. His front tire hit a rock and he was thrown into a divider wall. His arm was broken, and ripped open. It had to be surgically repaired. And he has some pretty bad road rash on his head, face, hip and leg. He also dislocated a toe.
He was pretty lucky considering he wasn't wearing a helmet.

Today was our first day with the new owners at my owrk. I like them. From everything I've heard and observed I think many positive changes are coming. I'm hopeful.