sunday

I woke this morning with an unbearable headache. Just when I thought I could no longer stand the pain, boyfriend was here with Motrin.
The combination of Motrin, pain, and dehydration from 3 days of GI "problems" knocked me out for 3 hours. I felt a lot better after waking up........
So  I ran to the store for boyfriends birthday present and cake&  I made Fettuccini Alfredo and a salad for his birthday dinner.
It was a early dinner, daughter did the dishes........and i'm back in my gown and robe.......and sons sport socks because i'm chilling..............and I'm ready to go to bed early............hopefully I'll feel waaaaaay better tomorrow, even though I'm going to be written up.......

friday

I'm sitting on the bed next to We-Ping. She's licking my elbow. Cracks me up...
I called off sick from work today. I have a fever, stomach pains, and I had a headache that hurt so bad I could hardly stand it. When I go back to work
I'll probably get my first write up ever for call offs.
I'm crossing my fingers that I feel better tomorrow.
I'd love to get outside and rake up some of the mess I still have out there from when I had the trees removed.............and there's a gully in the back of my back yard that needs to be cleaned out.

thurs.

I only worked for 8 hours today. I left 5 hours early because I had chills and stomach pains. The perfume that one of my co-workers and one of my patients family members was wearing just aggrivated the sick feeling in my stomach. The smell was awful.
Perfume should smell nice. It shouldn't offend the people around you & it shouldn't linger for hours.
But anyways, I felt like crap so I went home.
And now I'm going to bed...

w

Boyfriend and I took daughter to school and then went out for breakfast. We both had several errands to run, so we did them together.
Daughters letterman jacket is in.......I took her letter and school bars to the shop to have them sewn on the jacket......she doesn't know.....looking forward to surprising her though I'm not sure if she even wants a school jacket anymore. We'll see.

tuesday i think

So today I did my banking AND paid next months bills. I went to the grocery store, and I took daughter and boyfriend out for supper. After supper I went to watch daughter cheer at the HS basketball game. It's the tournament to decide who will play in the state championship game.
We won......we kicked butt, we rocked.................one more game and we're on our way to the state finals.

The 4th time that the cheerleading sponsor walked past me she smiled and said hello. I couldn't say to her what I wanted to say so I just looked at her and said nothing at all.

Tonight I'm going to wrap myself caccoon like in my comforter on the couch, and I'm going to read until I fall asleep.

monday

Boyfriend took daughter to school this morning allowing me to continue to sleep. I didn't wake until 12:30 this afternoon. It felt good.

I cooked a good supper for daughter and boyfriend because I don't as often as I used to and I feel a little guilty.
So I made a glazed ham, big pot of green beans with red potatoes, homemade applesauce, and cornbread. Smells delicious.

It's been a little over 7 months since I had my last cigarette. According to statistics, 6 months of not smoking adds 2 years to your life. I guess I just have to take their word for it. What I do know though is that I'm saving a fortune by not smoking...................and I'm being a positive role model for my daughter...........................and 1 other thing I know is that my skin looks really good and healthy. :O)

sunday

I'm off work for the next 3 days! YAY!

fireworks

Yearly Toyota/WEBN riverfront fireworks show

We-Ping

A pic of WePing crashed X-mas morning after playing with her gifts. We-Ping headed outside to play in the snow.

MoonGirl

This is Moon Girl. She's the kitty who lived with us until her rightful owner was found.
I miss her quiet, sweet, companionship.

my friday

I put in 28 hours of work the last 2 days.
I'm tired. I'm also thrilled to be off for the next 3 days.

After I take daughter to school tomorrow, I'm coming home, sitting on the couch under my big heavy comforter and I'll read......................................and every once in awhile I'll look out the window at the snow.

I have a doctors appointment this week.
I'm looking forward to feeling better...............................

valentines day

Happy Valentines Day.
I took boyfriend out for a late breakfast.
There was an elderly man sitting at the table behind us. He seemed perfectly content being alone...........and yet I felt badly for him..............I wondered if he was widowed, or lonely.  He had a nice face. I bought his breakfast, anonymously. I hope it made his day even brighter.
After our late breakfast we ran to the store and then took a ride.
When I got home I was pleasantly surprised to see that daughter did the household chores that needed to be done............................and then her and her brothers went to the mall and out for dinner with each other.
Boyfriend left a dozen red roses and chocolates on my dining room table for me to find this morning.
The roses are beautiful.
 Sons bought me 2 handbags from Funkees (I think that's the name?) I've been looking at the handbags everytime I go to the mall but can never justify buying them.........they're not expensive......just fun, and 1960ish........luv um.
I love my family.

wed

I didn't do much today.
I rested on the couch, watched t.v., played with We-Ping and made chicken salad.

Work called this morning. Boyfriend just told me.
They left a message saying they needed a nurse,  & did I want to make up
for calling off yesterday.
The answer would have been no..........but I wish I had known before 8pm tonight
that they called.

Nothing new happening.
I'm going to go watch tv.

tues.

Today was a really nice day.
We were slammed by a snow storm lastnight and then through the morning. Daughters school was closed. So
daughter and I went outside to clean off my car (the "Jag.") and to shovel the
driveway.
The cold air was invigorating.
We also worked our way to the grocery store to prepare for another snow storm due to hit tonight.
And when we got home I put some highlights in daughters hair. It looks pretty.

I've just been trying to take it easy. You know?
It's difficult to explain the emotional rollar coaster I've been on ................not even I fully understand it ................I just hope that this is the beginning of the end

Tomorrow is my off day from work. I had an appointment with the attorney  who will represent my daughter in a suit against the school ...........she rescheduled due to the weather.........I'm thinking about changing attorneys..........just a gut feeling.............we'll see.

tuesday?

I was supposed to fill in for another nurse tomorrow because she covered for me Sunday. But I got to thinking about where they would schedule me to work. I called and asked one of the other nurses. I was schedule to work the unit I recently asked to be and was moved off of............Emotionally I feel significantly better than I felt just a week ago.................................but there is no way I can work that unit right now.......I just can't..........and no one else wants to take it..........it's impossible to do...........they know it's imp[ossible...............and to top it off we're expecting a major snow storm tomorrow.........so I'll probably get stuck at work for 16 hours...............................no can do...............................not now.............................maybe when I feel stronger..........so I called off.........I know some people think it's a cop out to call off..................but I swear it's a matter of survival..........self preservation.

sunday

So daughter had cheerleading competition today.
The loser who called my daughter a fucking bitch, well her daughter broke her leg during the competition.
Loser hurts my daughter. Losers daughter gets hurt. (I feel badly for the losers daughter)
Karma?
Our squad ended up dropping out of the competition.
It was a bummer of a day.

My boss moved me to a new unit. I cursed at a doctor, and cried in front of a family member. :O) couldn't control mt reaction though I swear to you I tried..............
I feel  relieved.
I'm so burned out on present unit I can barely stand to
even think about it.....let alone work it.
.

I started taking my medicine again......doubled the dose......and after just 4 days I'm starting to feel better. I feel more in control...............and less angry.......I'll get to the doctor soon.

fuck

I guess I'll call the doctor tomorrow.
I need help.
I stopped taking the anti depressant because it wasn't
working.
I've cried on and off for days.
I'm mentally exhausted.
I told my boss to take me off the unit I've been working for almost a year.
I was crying when I asked her, and I cried on and off all day.
I didn't mean too........it just happened. I couldn't control it.
I've lost my fucking mind.
Today I took daughter to cheerleading practice. I waited in my car in the
parking lot in case there was any trouble with the coach.
I kept looking at the coaches car and all i could do was imagine myself opening my door and slamming it into her car over and over again................or taking a permanent marker and writing fucking crybaby bitch all over her car.
When I couldn't sit and look at her car anymore I decided to go in the building.
I walked right past the door guy and coaches taking care of whatever was going on in the gym........I went to the band room where the cheerleaders were practicing.
I was instantly ready to fight.
"When are we going to get the hair bows and socks we paid for in August" I asked the other coach....the coach that didn't abuse my daughter but who did nothing to advocate for my daughter., She didn't have an answer.
When the game in the gym was over the girls moved to the gym to finish their practice...............fucking bitch coach came in. She actually had the nerve to say "hi" to me when she walked by.
I didn't answer.
I didn't go in the gym......but rather sat at a table outside the gym door looking in.......I sat with the team mother.........as I sat there I intermittenly cried/chocked back tears..........and found myself becoming agitated, and angry.
So I said to the team mother who was sitting next to me...."I think it's fucking pathetic that a coach can call a young girl a fucking crybaby bitch, tell her she serves no purpose on the squad, and that she looks like an idiot.................and no other mother steps forward to complain or help. And further more......your daughter told you that coaches comments were directed at my daughter but she lied when interviewed by the principal. How pitiful." I told her I couldn't wait for the coach to verbally abuse one of the other girls.
She looked at me and said "I think the whole thing should be dropped."
So I said to her...."of course you do. IT WASN'T YOUR DAUGHTER THAT WAS CALLED A FUCKING BITCH IN FRONT OF THE SQUAD!"
She tried talking small talk to me, I walked away. I hate her just like I hate the coach, and most of the girls on the squad......................................................................and then on the drive home with daughter and daughters best friend who happens to be the coaches niece I started screaming and crying saying I wish the coach would have called some red neck fucking bitches daughter a fucking bitch........................that way Maybe someone would have knocked her ugly, mother fucking head off.
When I got home I realized that maybe I really should call my doctor tomorrow. Something is dreadfully wrong. This isn't me. I have lost any sense of control over what I say, and how I react.
I need help.
I'm certainly not helping my daughter.

fucking pathological liar

The superintendent called me today at my work.
He said the cheerleading coach spent the day on a field trip, and he'd try to tsalk to her tomorrow. This after he promised he'd talk to her first thing Monday morning and then call me back Monday morning.
He didn't mention his promise, and why he didn't follow through with what he said he'd do.
Fuck him and his mom.
So while at work, in the middle of losing my mind taking care of 15 critically ill patients, and barely able to keep my head above water, daughter calls me from the basketball game she's cheering at..........she's crying because some of the cheerleaders told her in a pissed off tone how the squad may not be going to competition because the cheerleading sponsor told them  my daughter may have ruined it for all of them.
She just keeps stirring the shit, and agitating the other girls.
I calmed her down and told her the attorney would take care of things....................we hang up..........I call her back 1/2 hour later........she's being held in a room off the gym by the cheerleading sponsor, athletic director, and one of the other mothers. They are questioning her. My head just about blew off........I was so angry I burst in to tears. All I could think about was telling that mother fucking short ugly, pathological liar to fuck off. How dare they question my daughter. How dare they.
I had daughter put the other mother on her phone and I told the other mother that my daughter was to leave that room immediately and go outside the building where her ride was waiting for her or I was going to call the police. That she was not to say another word.
And so daughter did leave the room and went outside. Boyfriend was waiting for her. He took her home for me.
I'm already sick.......................................and now........well now I'm so fucking beside myself with even more anger that I look at the 2 liter of coke sitting on my kitchen counter and I think how I want to go to the cheerleading sponsors house and throw it through the window of her mother fucking car......................................................and I make plans in my head how at cheerleading competition this Sunday, I'm going to tell her to suck my ass.........but not until I call her a mother fucking cunt.
That's how I feel.
So you see, I probably do need help.
I have this anger inside of me that's just seeping out of my mouth,  mind, and heart in little doses.......................I'm half afraid to be around her, the coach........because I'm afraid it's going to get really ugly.....as if it hasn't already.

ps

The school superintendent didn't call me back as he had promised. I gave him until 2 pm to call. I called him.......his secretary said she'd have him call me. He didn't call.
Fuck him.

mon

What a miserable day.
It started with a lack of sleep.................was filled with frustration, anger, resentment, fear, and agitation. I just wanted it to end...................and now it has for the most part............I look forward to tomorrow. Hopefully it will be a better day.