wed.

I went shopping this afternoon with daughter and her best friend.
I needed to buy a present for sons birthday.
I got myself a Janice Joplin CD. It was marked down to five bucks. It's one of my favorite albums. I wanted the CD so I could listen to it in my car.
I got son a nice camera. He dropped his a few months back and it broke........he's always borrowing his sister's........I think he'll like it!

Daughter and I went to talk with daughters academic advisor last week. The advisor helped daughter pick her classes.......and then on the 9th we go back to get daughters official schedule, parking pass, student ID, and I forget the rest..........daughter is pleased with her school choice......and looking forward to starting her classes.
I'm happy for her.
When we got home I called my mom to fill her in on our day.
My mom criticised daughters school choice, and daughters choice of friends.
What I need to explain is that sisters relapse and subsequent overdose has opened old wounds for me. I wont speak for anyone else..............I also need to explain that feeling so fucking tired mentally and physically for the past however long it's been because your fucking body isn't working the way it should and even though you finally find the reason why and begin treatment...........and you are feeling significantly better, but you still don't have the stamina that you used to have.........and you skip a period and wonder if you're going through the change of life or are your skipping your period because your freaking thyroid is fucked up..........so your hormones are all over the board................................................and then you're just who you have become.............................so your mom criticises your daughter.............you let it go........but then you lay awake through the night thinking about what she said............and you take it personal..............and then all those old wounds add fuel to the cluster fuck of feelings that you are feeling................................................. mom calls the next day under the pretense of wanting to know about a medication...........and then apologizes for part of her criticisms the day prior....................................................and I'm conflicted in my head and heart whether or not I should say anything to her because she's my mom and i love her, and she has a  bad heart.........on the other hand i want to say what i need to say so that it's said before she dies..........but i wonder should i just bite my tongue and let it be...........................................................................................................................................................I didn't bite my tongue.......I said what I needed to say, through tears of course, and then I said stuff that surprised even me.........but it was all true, and none of it meant to be hurtful...................mom was apologetic, caring, genuinely sorry.....and I detected a hint of sadness in her voice................. which left me feeling sad, remorseful, and wishing I had just let it go............................that was a week ago........................I've been extremely busy the past week........have been trying to just not think about things.................................and wishing I'd just stop having periods and go through the change of life already.........................

I've been working hard to keep my heart healthy, assuming that it is healthy. I see the cardiologist in August. My insurance denied the stress test, again. It would cost me 2200.00. I'm not spending that money unless the cardiologist says I absolutely have to, or finds a way to get my insurance to pay for it.
I put myself on a cardiac diet and have lost 14 pounds the past three weeks. I take a baby aspirin daily......and I threw away the salt shaker.
I lost the energy to exercise over a year ago................I love exercise. It makes me high. I feel up to it, kind of,  but am going to wait to get the OK from the cardiologist.

I know I sound like an unhappy, bipolar, crazy lady.

But I'm not.
:O)