monday

I quietly left the house this morning so as not to wake boyfriend. The lawn needed to be mowed. Boyfriend has been saying he was going to cut it. But it wasn't getting done.
I know he hasn't felt well. I also knew it needed to be cut. If he saw me go out to cut it he'd feel pressured to cut it even though he isn't feeling well. So he was sleeping. I was going to get it done.....no big deal.............he heard the lawn mower running and came outside as I ran over mulch.........it flew up and hit him.........he cursed.......I could hear his cursing.........not sure if it was directed at me or the mulch that was hitting him...........after I knew boyfriend was okay I just walked away and into the house. Fuck it is what I was thinking. Fuck it.
I laid down and took a 6 and a half hour nap. I was still tired from the double shift yesterday.......and then not being able to fall asleep until the early morning hour.
While I was sleeping boyfriend finished mowing the yard and  made a pot of spaghetti and meatballs........and I guess at some point he went to the store for soft drinks.
Now he's sleeping.
I'm up and ready to go.............house is clean. The grass is cut.
I'll probably, FINALLY, plant the flowers son bought for me.

Apparently risk management was at work last week to audit our paper work................I hear we didn't do so well........that we did bad actually.
I'm not surprised.
I could help fix things. I see the problems. I know how to fix them.........I'm good at the stuff that needs to be done.............................but it's not like I can go to the people in charge and say I'm over my emotional whatever u call it and would love to be a part of your team again........would love to help fix the problems.
When you have an emotional WHATEVER  it was....    you lose credibility I think.........................so I'm in the outs................doubtful I'll ever be part of the non outs again.................................