tuesday

 Billy I know you don't like when I talk about my mom. So you may not want to read this post!

It's been almost a month since I left work. You'd think my house would be clean and organized. It's not! Far from it! I'm surrounded by dust and clutter.

I did find it in me to put up my Christmas tree last night..............and then I hated it. I just wanted to drag it outside and leave it on the curb for the garbage man..................and then I missed my mom............and remembered how on that last Christmas together I hugged her and told her I loved her before leaving her house........and when I got to my car realized I'd left my glasses on her counter....so I went back in her house, hugged her tight and told her again I loved her. She wanted me to spend the night that night........I'd been caring for her for months. She depended on  me. She felt less anxious when I was with her. I had been up for days it seemed, and I was getting sick.Mom fell 3 days before Christmas. I found her on the bathroom floor. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. She thought she was in the bed. Instead she was on the cold hard bathroom floor. Dad was knocked out on the sofa with Bronchitis. He didn't know she was on the floor. She told me that day she was dying.  "I'm dying, Sandy." That's what she said. I knew she was.... But when she said it I  cried. I looked at her and cried. I couldn't find any words. I wish I would have reassured her, or asked her if she was scared.......I wish I had said something, anything. But all I could do was cry...... So my mom redirected the conversation.....She did not want to go to the hospital when I asked. She said she just wanted to be home to have a beautiful Christmas with her family.
 I had my oldest sister spend the night with mom on Christmas night. I just couldn't do it. I could see the disappointment on moms face. She wanted me there. I was sick.  I got home that night and began with severe chills, fever, runny nose and cough.......and for 48 hours I was out of commission. I tried to get up but just couldn't do it.
I missed those two days with my mom. I'm OK with it except

 I'm not sure she knows why I wasn't there............it wasn't like I just had a simple cold. I literally couldn't stand........other wise I would have been there! I did spend the 28 and 29th with her.....stayed over on the 29th and she died the morning of the 30th. I was in bed with her.......as was 2 of my sisters.......dad and another sister was at the bedside. Just seconds before her last breath she smiled. I like to think that as she was leaving her body and looking down at herself, she smiled because she could see we were all there with her.................mom was opposed to Hospice, or any in house care from outside agencies. I knew hospice was coming to the house on the 26th to talk to and admit her. They'd come to her home to help with her care. Luckily I was sick and not there.............she was angry when they came but I'm sure she thought that when I got back to her, I would stop them from coming. I promised her I would never allow hospice to care for her. Unfortunately I made that promise before I knew that someday I would need their help.  For that reason I'm glad I was sick that day.She didn't know I knew they were coming......that's why I think she was thinking I'd fire them when I got back to her!...........we also had an at home nursing agency that would be coming 2 days a week I think. Their first day was on the 26th. The day after moms funeral my sisters and I were in the living room with dad at his and moms house.
The phone rang but we all ignored it..............the answering machine picked up the call..............it was the visiting nursing agency calling. They left a message asking mom to give them a second chance.
My sisters and I looked at each other and then laughed. I was so happy she fired them.....that even in the end while she was so sick she still had control over some things!
I just miss her, that's all.... I just miss her.