monday

I performed CPR on boyfriend even though he had a DNR in place.
We talked several times about the do not resuscitate order. I wanted to make sure he understood what the order meant and that it was really what he wanted. He never wavered in his choice.
He died that morning in my arms. We talked, he had coffee. Everything seemed OK until it wasn't..... I started CPR at first not thinking about the DNR order. But the moment I felt his ribs crack I remembered...........................and then I felt so torn between following his wishes, letting him go, and doing anything to save him.
When 911 arrived they took over.......................after a couple of minutes I informed them of the living will and showed it to them. They stopped the CPR even though I pleaded and begged for them to continue.
I will never know and will always question whether or not he would have survived had I not told about the living will.
I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to live, to stay.
I feel guilt.
Mostly I miss my best friend, my love, my sweetheart.