sunday

Some of my coworkers were talking about how good pomegranates taste. I've heard boyfriend talk about how much he likes them. I had never heard of them prior to boyfriend and coworkers mentioning them. How could that be?
SO I bought a couple of them the other day..........and I tried my first one today. I wasn't sure how you're supposed to eat them. So I cut it into 3 pieces. Picked up one of the pieces and sucked some of the juice and seeds into my mouth. I chewed the flavor out of the seeds then spit them in the garbage. It was a little messy, and my shirt has a purple stain down the front......so I'll know better next time. It was good.......and I think it will taste great on a hot summer day..........might even be good to put some of the seeds in yogurt. If the seeds are safe to eat. Boyfriend says they are......so that was my new experience for the week.

Thursday

Work has been crazy busy. Not sure how long I'll be able to keep up the pace.

Our new owners are presently closing one of their other facilities. They're bringing 2 of the nurses from that facility to our facility. Actually both of those nurses started orientation at our facility today.
So now I understnad why they fired one of my co-workers lastweek. I feel bad for her. I can't help but worry who they will fire next in order to open up another position.
So I asked the HR lady. The HR lady told me there was discussion about who should be let go. That "they" went down the list of nurses and discussed each one. She said my job is safe.
Do I believe her? I believe that she believes my job is safe. But you never know what people are going to do. Their loyalties aren't with me. It's with the people they've been working with for years. Including the 2 nurses who were in orientation today.
So I go from being worried to thinking..... whatever.

Daughter left a note and a banana muffin on the table for me to find this morning.
The note said
"I know I'm 16 and growing up......but don't forget....no matter what...I'm still YOUR little girl. I love you. Have a good day....be safe and wear your seatbelt. Emily."

A.Is she feeling guilty for growing up? B.Is she worrying she won't be my baby if she grows up? C.Does she think I'm sad because she's growing up, and she's trying to reassure me? Well, because I am who I am.....I asked her. She said she thinks it makes me sad that she's growing up. I tired to explain to her best as I could that all parents probably have mixed feelings, including sad feelings about their children growing up...........but that doesn't mean we don't want our children to grow up and be independent.........I also reassured her that she'll always be my girl, and I'll always love her.

wednesday

Work was busy today.
I had 3 admissions, and about 12 nursing students on my unit. It was kinda fun having the students. They'll be with us for 10 weeks.Whne my DON asked me a couple months ago how I felt about having the students come to our facility, I told her I wasn't thrilled by the idea, and I begged her not to do it.My reasons were selfish ones. I'm glad she didn't listen to me. I'm looking forward to working with them. Their enthusiasm is a little contagious......and maybe I have something to offer them..............AND, it made me feel good when my DON told me that the nursing students instructor told her (my DON) that she really really likes me. It just feels good to be patted on the back now and again. You know? Especially when you're kinda feeling like shit.

American Idol started it's new season lastnight.
So far my favorite is the tatooed girl who has her lip pierced.........

tuesday

I feel a little better today then I did yesterday.
I woke up today and took daughter to school. I was feeling tearful, and a little down. So when I got home from taking her to school I went back to bed. I slept until 3 this afternoon. Daughter stayed after school to work on an assignment and then she has a basketball game to cheer. I talked on the phone to her just to touch base........... made a pot of chili and took a shower.Son stopped by after work and on his way to his dads. He brought me his tuition receipt, and we had a nice little chat. Boyfriends in my bed napping, and I'm just sitting here on the computer, and watching csi miami.
I feel rested and calm inside.
I'm going to head downstiars in a bit and do a little work on the messy room, and then I'm going to balance my checkbook.

monday

This is my 3rd attempt to blog tonight. Everytime I start typing, everything I'm feeling gets all tied up in a knot in the pit of my stomach...............and then I start crying. So let me make it simple..........

Here is what I'm feeling......
1. depleted
2.resentful
3.angry
4.guilty

That's as good as I can do for now.

fuck it

What's the point...................that's how I feel right now. What's the point in trying, giving, caring, working, wanting, wishing. What's the point?
I'm tired, I feel defeated, and I think fuck it. FUCK IT!

saturday

I guess I'm going to start working on the room in the basement.
It's gone through several changes over the years...................right now it's part bedroom, part pool table room.....................but mostly it's just a messy room. So the first thing I'm going to do is pack up all the things son left behind when he moved to his first apartment.....................and lucky for me, he recently found a newer, prettier, better, bigger apartment and stopped by tonight to ask if he can take the pool table off my hands when he moves into his new place.
I love the pool table. It's actually a very pretty piece of furniture......but it takes up so much space.............I've brought up the idea of selling it..............but have always met resistance from my sons. It reminds them of pre-divorce times. They didn't want to let it go. But now that son wants it, and since it will still be there for both sons.........they are ok with it not being in this house................
So I told son he could take it to his new apartment.
...tomorrow I will pack away all the things in the room, and then clean the room from top to bottom. Then I will prepare the room to be painted...................and as I paint the room, and the stairway that leads to the room, I will decide how I want to use the space.

monday

So I called in to work today.................actually I called off at 11:30 lastnight. I stayed up late watching TV and cleaning my living room.
I took daughter to school this morning then came home and put a roast, carrots, onions, bell peppers, and cream of mushroom soup in the crock pot. I baked a chocolate cake, balanced my checkbook, frosted the cake, then took a nap. It felt good.
I've had little pangs of guilt at intervals throughout the day due to my calling in sick. But I needed the day off, and it felt good to be home without anything pressing that needed to be done. I'm dealing with the guilt. :O)

sunday

I finally have all my Christmas decorations packed and put away. As I put them away I wondered to myself what the New Year might bring...............and because I've been going through whatever it is I'm going through, the thought of what the new year might bring kind of scares me.
I worry about dying, or about someone I love dying. I read somewhere that this worrying I've been doing about dying is a symptom of a mid-life crisis. Maybe it is, or maybe it's something else. I don't know.

I'm thinking about calling off work tomorrow. I just don't want to be there. I want to be at home. I want to be the one to take my daughter to school. I want to be able to have the time to cook a nice dinner for my family. I want to fiddle fart around the house, and around the yard. So I'm thinking that's what I'll do........I'll call in.....

Joplins probably not going to be coming home. I wish I could press my face up against his fur and give him a kiss. I miss him.

Joplin update

Joplin is still missing. I was hoping he was out getting his groove on with a cat in heat, and that he'd return when the other cat went out of heat............but it's been 8 days............so I'm losing hope. It sucks.

tuesday

Joplin is still missing. I miss him so badly I can hardly stand it.
Daughter and her friend made "missing cat posters" and "reward posters" to hang around the neighborhood.
My 11 year old nephew who lives a few streets away has his friends keeping an eye out for kitty.
I'll call the shelter, and the pound tomorrow.
We-Ping keeps searching around the house for Joplin.....and seems a little restless. I think she misses him too.

Daughter, daughters friend, and I went shopping and out to lunch today. We all had a few Christmas gifts to return. While we were out, daughter wanted to get her ear pierced. The upper ear......where it's all cartilage. I'm not big on piercings and tattoos. I have single ear piercings, and that's it........though I have given some thought to getting a tattoo, I've never followed through. I think I'd get tired of seeing the same piece of art on my body, everyday, day after day for the rest of my life.
After daughter had her ear pierced, and because she had to buy a pair of earrings to get the piercing, she had an extra earring. So I too had my upper ear cartilage pierced. It hurt like a mother! I screamed. Daughter and her friend laughed till they nearly peed themselves.
I like it, the pierced upper ear. Daughter likes hers too.
We had fun today& It was a distraction from worrying about my Joplin.

milk carton cat

Joplin has been missing since 5:30 pm yesterday.
She ran out the kitchen door while I was bringing in groceries. But that wasn't a big deal because she(she's really a he but I call her a she out of habit) goes outside to play everyday.
I called for her to come in more than several times lastnight. But she never did.
I'm trying not to think about it because it's heart breaking. I keep thinking about Laquisha, another cat I had that went out to play and never came home, ever.
I'm hoping and praying will all of my heart and soul that Joplin returns.

christmas

Christmas Day was busy and fun. It was filled with family, food, gifts, conversation, laughing, and love.
I felt very grateful.

The above picture is of my 2 sons, my daughter, and my parents.

Christmas Eve

I have an apple pie and a cherry pie in the oven. My house smells so good!
Boyfriend, the kids and I are having dinner here today. I bought paper plates so that clean up will be a cinch.
I made the turkey and potato salad lastnight......and I spent the day cleaning house. So all that's left to do is make the bake beans and put ribbons and bows on the gifts.

The rest of my day will be spent soaking in a hot bath, reading one of the 6 books I found sitting on my front porch this morning (I don't know who put them there), and maybe watching a Christmas movie if I can find one on TV. :O)

Monday

I baked cookies today, lots of cookies........ Daughter helped me. It was fun spending time with her. I told her some of the Christmas stories from my childhood. I want her to know me. You know? And she talked a lot about school and her up coming skiing/tubing trip. I like listening to her talk about her life.

There's a lady up the street who has 4 kids. They don't have much money because her husband refuses to keep a job. He smokes weed and parties a lot with his friends. He's one of those irresponsible dicklicks that produces kids....................she tries to be a good mother. I guess her fault is in picking a dicklick of a husband and then making a bunch of babies. She tries to make the best of it. I like her children. So I make them lots of cookies at Christmas.

I keep saying it, but I'm taking a trip soon. I need to get away from the same old boring everything. All I can think about is February in Miami. It's positively wonderful there that time of year................and it's what I keep thinking about.