tuesday

I usually like my time alone. Tonight I wish I had company.
I argued with boyfriend this week. I argued with daughter too.
I don't handle conflict well. It's my nature to be peace keeper.
I don't think the conflict with boyfriend and daughter is the reason behind my not wanting to be alone though.
I've had fleeting thoughts this week, and last week of wanting to run away.
It's not something I'd ever really do.......( if I disappear from a mall parking lot, or while walking to my car in the morning, it means I've been abducted.)
So why my discontent?
I'm worrying I haven't lived my life to the fullest............and maybe I've let my fears and insecurities dictate the way I've lived my life.
I've wasted time.
I don't know where to go from here.......and I don't know what any of this has to do with me not wanting to be alone right now............

Last Dance

Daughters Senior Prom is tonight. The" Meech" promised me he'd drive the speed limit, and that he would not be drinking. Not that I had any reason to believe he would be.

The prom ends at 11:30 p.m. and then the kids run home to change and go to the school gym for after prom. They'll be on lock down until 4. a.m. After prom events are kept secret.......but it's always a big to do.
I hope the prom is wild, fun, and romantic...........and I hope that daughter enjoys every minute of it. (i love her. it's her last school dance ever. it's bitter sweet watching them grow up. she looked beautiful tonight!)

Mr. Bojangles

Today is Mr. Bojamgles first birthday. We got him some beef jerky.

Happy birthday my soft, furry, sweet friend! I love you.

wed.

So the woman who called daughter a fucking cry baby bitch last year sent daughter to in school detention today because daughters jeans had slits on the front of the legs. She's worn those jeans at least every other week this whole school year without anything ever being said to her.. ....Other girls wear the same type jeans. Woman said to daughter "YOU turned me in. Now I'M turning YOU in!"
So daughter went to the in school detention room. The teacher in the in school detention class is my cousin and an old high school friend. He laughed when daughter told him why she was sent to him. He thought it was silly and sent her to the English class that she can't afford to miss.  Woman found out he'd sent her back to her class, raised hell with him and insisted that daughter serve the ISD. He went back to daughters class, had a laugh with the English teacher, and took her back to detention. I don't see the humor in the whole situation.
I worry about further retaliation from this woman. I worry daughter will be pushed to the point where she will say something that will prevent her from participating in the graduation ceremony. I worry, and I'm sick of it.

We don't need to be shown the pictures of Bin Ladens dead body. We don't need to be celebrating in the streets his death. It's barbaric.

A couple weeks ago one of my coworkers patients told me I have no idea what a difference I make in her life. She said I make her feel like she matters. She does matter.
Another of my patients told me I make her feel safe. :O)

sunday

A coworkers son was murdered a week ago. Coworkers first name is the same as mine. I get to work yesterday and one of the night shift workers wraps her arms around me and tells me how sorry she is for my loss. I kinda pushed her away............pushed away the very thought........
It freaked me out a bit.
And then  she was  happy that my son was alive and well.......and then back to feeling pain and sorrow for our coworker whose son is gone.


Daughter showed up at my work yesterday. I heard my work friend say "there's Em!" I looked up to see daughter walking toward my desk. The last time she was at my work was 11 years ago when I brought her to work with me on "Bring your daughter to work day." But there she was with one of her girlfriends and a couple dozen pink tulips she brought to give to me.
I was happy to see her! She looked happy and HAPPY! and she had a little mischievous twinkle in her eye.................anyway......I loved having her show up unexpectedly.

My legs are aching.
Mr. Bojangles is lying on them.
His body heat makes them feel better. :O)

my baby

friday

I got up early to watch the royal wedding.
It was pretty.
I think Kate's sister looked beautiful. Fergies daughters may have been "sticking it to them" for not inviting their mother. How else do you explain their choice in hats?
I loved the queens yellow coat and hat.
Kate and William looked genuinely happy. So congrats to them!

Boyfriend and I went shopping yesterday.
I bought a headband for daughter to wear to the prom.
It's very pretty. I also bought a few more things for her graduation party. (I can't wait!)

I was talking on the phone to my dad today.
He asked if sister is using drugs.
He already knows the answer.
I think he just keeps hoping for a different one.

I met oldest sons girlfriend for the first time this past Easter/and oldest sons birthday.
I liked her a lot.

same old

I slept most of the day. My head hurt and I didn't want to go to the store for Advil, so I tried to sleep the headache away.

My new dilemma at work is  I feel like everything I say will be taken out of context or misconstrued. I feel insecure, worried, and guarded while at work. It's miserable.

Tonight I paid bills, balanced my check book, organized daughters resumes, community work papers, and transcripts......and I cleaned out my purse.
Right now Clean House is on the TV. I can't believe the filth, and piles of crap/clutter that people will live in.............I feel sorry for the children that grow up in the messes they show on this show.

Boyfriend and I are have plans to leave early in the morning. I'm not sure where we're going or how we will spend our day. We just know we want to get out for awhile. I'm looking forward to morning.

Daughter and I hung out this evening.
Mr. Bojangles doesn't like her. He hisses at her. She hisses at him. It's funny.

spring day

When I got home from work last night boyfriend, sons, and daughter were here waiting to celebrate my birthday with me.
We had a nice but short sweet time together.
Daughter baked a birthday cake for me. So now I know she can make mashed potatoes, bake a turkey, and bake a cake. :O)
Sons and boyfriend bought me an Android. It's kind of cool. I haven't taken much time yet to really check it out!

This morning I went to the DMV to pay property tax on my car, and to re-new my car tags..........and then.....

I worked in the yard today. I did everything that I should have done last spring or summer but didn't do because I was in a funk like depression like type of place.
It feels good to not be in that "place" anymore for the most part....
It felt good to be productive. But now I'm filthy dirty and too tired to shower. :O)     It was beautiful outside in Ky. today. So it was great spending the day in the sun.

I took a couple pictures of We-Ping and Mr. Bojangles, of a dandelion (because when I was a child I'd pick them and blow the white fluffy stuff off of them.), and of some crates I'm going to use as tables on the deck. I'm not finished painting them.....almost though....Tiki Man has seen his last days I think!

friday

Boyfriend bought a new car yesterday.
It's pretty. The On Star is kind of cool.
He's happy with his purchase.
I'm happy for him.

My car is ticking. "tick, tick, tick, tick."
Son says i don't have the right size oil filter on it.
I hope it's really that simple.

I plan on spending most of today outside.
It's supposed to be beautiful weather.
I need to cut my grass and paint some crates son brought me from his work. I plan to use them on the deck as tables. We'll see how they work.

There's an under class man at daughters school whose mother died last year. The girl now lives with a family member who is blind.
This girl plays on the softball team.
No one from her family comes to watch her play.
So daughter does.........the girl scans the stands to check for Ms. Em.......and is thrilled when she sees her. Daughter cheers her on, and pats her on the back.......
I think it's sweet.....makes me proud.

thursday

My taxes are filed!      YAY!                          It's a huge weight off my shoulders.

So daughter was telling me how at the prom the last dance is for seniors only. The whole senior class wraps their arms around each other & have a last slow dance together. I got all teary eyed when she was telling me about the way they do the last dance......and then she started crying. lol......and then we laughed at each other for crying.

Middle son took daughter rock climbing while daughter was on spring break. Son said she kicked butt.....including his.
She's always been fearless when it comes to climbing.

 I'm planning a graduation party for daughter. I want it to be a huge celebration full of music, food, friends, family, and laughter. I love planning parties.

Boyfriend asked me not to stay up late last night because he wanted to leave early this morning to go car shopping. I stayed up late like I almost always do on my days off of work...............but I got up early so I'd be ready to go................he's still sleeping. :O)

Oldest son was over the other day to say hi. But he also wanted to tell me about the girl he's dating. He doesn't usually share his love life with me.....even though I ask...(can't help myself)......him and his brother are single young guys who enjoy their freedom...................now there's this girl.............I could tell the way he was talking that he's smitten with her.
It was sweet the way he went on about her pretty blue eyes.

wed.

I was a grouch when I got home from work last night.
Daughter was dozing on the couch. She had a few pair of shoes and a purse on the living room floor. She also had a plate and two cups on the coffee table and sunflower seed shells on the coffee table. Normally that wouldn't bother me, but like I said I was a grouch. I woke her and raised my voice about her mess. I even slammed shut a couple kitchen cabinets . But what I was really feeling was guilt that she had supper alone in front of the t.v. I didn't care about the mess. Messes can be cleaned. She got up and got in the shower. I apologized to her when she got out.......................we ended up hanging out together for a couple of hours. I had her cracking up laughing. It was good....

I need to file taxes today. As usual I've put it off until the last minute.

Daughter wants to move to her big brothers old bedroom, again. Last year we moved her and the next day she wanted to go back to her bedroom. So we moved her back.
Now she wants to do it again...........I guess we'll give it another try. It is a much bigger room.......she needs the space........she wants to paint it first........and so we will.

Work is going OK.
Yesterday one of the CNA'S was escorted out after being fired.
Even though she was one of the staff members that drove me crazy with
the drama she created, and I always crossed my fingers that she wouldn't be scheduled on my unit, it was upsetting to see her face after she'd been fired.....and to see her being escorted out of the building.
I felt sorry for her.

Friday

Opening day has come and gone.. I love the Cincinnati Reds even though I haven't watched any of the first three games. I love baseball!

Our work day didn't start off so good..& Two hours into our work day  we were irritable, a little agitated, and just feeling stressed.                            So..............................................................................................
We sang. I mean we grouped together and we SANG. I loved being told "you can really sing, girl!" I knew I was rocking it, lol.......we all felt better afterwards....

Pia was voted off American Idol. YAY!

I wish my sisters weren't addicted.
I hope they get well...

I woke up a couple of times last night and felt Mr. Bojangles next to me. I smiled and drifted back to sleep. I love him.

Mr. Bojangles

He's not happy about the neighbor cat taking a short cut through our backyard.

this n that

Daughter and I went to the Hobby Lobby yesterday to find a football shaped cake pan.
While there I found some decorations for her graduation party. Thinking about it (daughters graduation) let alone trying to talk about it to daughter makes me all weepy eyed. I wonder if it's normal to be so emotional about an event. I"m excited about it too....... But when she starts talking about it the both of us become emotional/ tearful. It's crazy!

We're going to Colorado soon.
I'll fly if I have to, but right now we're leaning towards taking Amtrak.

Daughters hair continued to fall out, and it was fuzzy from having been burnt.
She finally just had it all cut off.
I think it looks cute.

I dream of winning the lottery so that my time will be my own.
I don't want to wait until I'm old.