overwhelmed

Yesterday was my day off. I always request the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas off.......so that I can "recover.".............................and I did absolutely nothing! It felt good! But this morning, the guilt at having done nothing all day yesterday is starting to creep up on me.
Son has patched a hole that I had in the dining room wall and he also patched all the nail holes where I had previously had pictures hanging. SO I need to clean the white dust off the walls, apply primer and paint. I'm also going to paint the living room..................and I need to get it done this weekend because I also need to get the Christmas decorations up, and my Christmas shopping out of the way. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed!

Thanksgiving

It's snowing. We-Ping is alternating between sitting at the dining room window watching the flakes fall and running to the kitchen door scratching to get out.

I worked Thanksgiving. I didn't mind. The double time is nice and I still had time to get home and cook a nice dinner. It was just me, boyfriend, and the kids. The boys spent the day hunting with their dad. When I got home from work they were crashed on the living room floor. I covered them and hoped they'd sleep a while longer while I got some work done.Daughter had head lice. Boyfriend took her to the store since I was at work and bought her some lice medicine. Ew! Her boyfriends mom runs a daycare. Daughter hangs out there after school until I pick her up on my way home from work. I'm sure it's where she got the lice. SO I got home from work and cooked Thanksgiving dinner. I always hope to make the atmosphere nice. And I guess I always hope for a "Brady Bunch" type family. But when someone at the table, durimg ourr Thanksgiving meal, let a fart, and the others started laughing and then trying to out do the first persons fart I knew there was no hope. Then everyone started eating pumpkin pie except my middle son. I asked him if he wanted a piece and he said "no way! I have to dump a duece before I can eat another bite!" I pray that when they are guests at another persons house that they use better manners than they sometimes use while at home.

There's an ongoing argument going on at my house reguarding the cats. The kids think I give We-Ping preferential treatment over Clarabell. Clarabell is our outdoor Tom cat. My middle son especially, resents that We-Ping gets more attention. We've even argued over it. (Lord!) So lastnight my oldest son, middle son and myself are on the front porch. Middle son goes in the house and brings some turkey outside for Clarabell. Clarabell doesn't like human food....and ignores the turkey. So me and sons are watching to see if he'll eat it. Daughter comes to the door and reports that We-Ping is in my bed and is eating turkey. It was funny because it was cold outside, turkey was on the ground for Clarabell, and yet We-Ping was in the warm house, in bed eating turkey. Middle son says "SEE! and I bet she's sipping a Martini too!" I couldn't help but laugh.

Stuff

Moms Cardiologist wants my mom to go to the Mayo CLinic in Minnesota so that they can diag. where and why she's bleeding. I trust her Cardiologist. Mom was his Kindergarden teacher and he was her favorite student. Atleast 40 years later she was refered to him for heart problems. She didn't realize he had been her student until she met him, again, face to face. They have a history.......and either he goes that extra mile for mom because of their history, or he's just a great doctor. Or both. Either way, I trust his judgement.

Mom is undecided about what she's going to do.....so I just wait and go with the up and downs best as I can.

I ran into an old friend yesterday. I felt better in the five minutes I spent talking to my friend then I've felt in a really long time. WHy is it that old friends have a way of making me feel grounded and optimistic?

The other night my son picked daughter up from her pep rally. He also drove daughters boyfriend home. WHen son stopped at daughters boyfriends house, daughters boyfriend leaned towards daughter to hug her good-bye. It's what they do when they say good-bye. They hug. I've seen it a dozen times. So daughter gets home, comes through the door, slams the door, yells something about hating her brother, then stomps up the steps towards her bedroom. Son in the meantime doesn't come in the house as he was headed to his dads to get stuff reading for hunting. But he calls me right around the time daughter is cursing him under her breath. He says to me "Before Emily says ANYTHING to you I want you to know that her boyfriend made the move and I told him if he EVER does it again I will strangle him! Then I told him, I'm SERIOUS! I WILL strangle you!" I couldn't help but laugh. I feel a little bad for sis but still, deep down I'm glad that he did what he did!

20 more minutes, please!

SOn is bored again so he has agreed to pick his sister up from her friends house and take her to her pep rally. I'm so greatful he's doing it for me. When he gets home from taking sister to her pep rally, he's going to put new brakes on my car. Yay! I like when he's bored!

It's my week to take call offs for work.. I alternate weeks with the DON and Administrator. Someone called me this morning at 5am. I was too tired to take the call, and I just wasn't ready to start my day!I wanted to stay in dream land where things can be perfect if we want them to be. I just let my phone ring and ring, and ring...until finally they hung up! The policy says that if the call off person doesn't answer your call, you're to call them back in 20 minutes...So I was thinking I'd atleast get 20 more minutes of sleep. But they didn't wait 20 minutes. They called right back! I buried my head under my comforter, curled up in the fetal position, and prayed to God to PLEASE Dear God, PLEASE make them quit calling so I can get 20 more minutes of sleep! I ignored their 2nd call rationalizing that I had ever right to ignore it since they didn't wait the 20 minutes. I mean what if I was in the middle of having sex, or taking a shower, or having my car towed? That's why the policy says they should call back in 20 minutes....not 10 seconds! So I ignored the 2nd call. They didn't call me back.....nope, sure didn't. Instead they called and woke the Administrator who in turn instructed them to call the DON. WHat he should have done was ask them if they tried calling me again in 20 minutes, like they're supposed to....and when they told him "NO" he should have instructed them to do so. Right? So anyway, the DON calls me, and I ignored her call. I knew why she was calling, and I didn't want to appear anxious like I was guilty of something, or something........She hung up. I waited about 1 minute and returned her call. I tried to sound all cheery, refreshed and awake.Like I had just taken a shower. I explained that I had been in the shower when she called, and that I must have been in the shower when the person calling off called....and I asked her "why would they call Administrator rather than call me back in 20 minutes like the policy says to do?" She agreed, and she was pissed at the calling off person for not following procedure, and even more pissed at the Administrator for being a "stupid son-of-a-bitch!" :O).........and so it goes...life in the big city.

The lake where I do my walking.

can't sleep

I couldn't sleep. My head was hurting so I got out of bed, dressed and went to the store for Motrin. When I got home I sat in the driveway in my car for awhile listening to the radio and praying that my head would quit pounding. The prayer or the Motrin worked because my head feels much better.
I'm munching on pickles and chips. And I'm thinking about eating one of the reese cups that I have in the freezer.
I think i'm depressed. I'm not one of those people who are born depressed. I was born a happy person and have been happy most of my life. I don't enjoy being depressed. I believe that some people do. I think I'm depressed by some of the things going on in my life. Some that I can talk about, some that I can't. I have a difficult time talking about things that make me unhappy& SOme things I can't talk about until I clean them up.....because they make me feeel like a failure....and I don't want to be the type of person who talks about a problem but never does anything to fix the problem. So I'd rather fix a problem and then talk about it after it's in the past. DOes that make any sense?

Nicknames I've had throughout my life:
1. Pandle. It's the name my dad gave to me.....he still uses it.
2. One Armed Bandit. It's what the other kids called me. A dozen of us played baseball every weekend for a few years while growing up. I had a broken arm every summer and had to bat with 1 arm.
3.Sissy Girl............my best friend at the time called me that.....I was in love with him.
4. PITA Girl. A guy I use to date that I met onlinecalled me that.......... We met online and discovered we knew each other from high school.
5. Sugar Booger.....it's what my boyfriend used to call me.
6. Sandra Sue......what my boss calls me.
I like nicknames. I have one for most people even if I don't use it outloud.

lets make a deal?

My bosses coffee maker is broken. I have a coffee maker in my storage room at work. I don't drink coffee. I wonder if he'd take it in trade for a new chair?

On Quitting Smoking

I took the Chantix for about 3 weeks. You're supposed to smoke while taking the Chantix until you decide to quit....or something like that. I noticed that I didn't feel the need to take a smoke break at work as my cravings for ciggs decreased a little. I also noticed that when I smoked it kinda tasted like I was smoking a piece of a cardboard box. What also happened was I felt angry all the time.........anything aND everything pissed me off.....not just a little pissed, but I felt furious...........and the fury I felt kept escalating...... at the end of the third week I had 1001 angry thoughts racing through& jumping in my brain. I couldn't turn them off, and it started to freak me out! I stopped the Chantix and within a couple days I was feeling normal again.
I'm going to give the Chantix one more try, I think. I don't know what else to do...

Teenage Son & Grocery Shopping

SO son did the grocery shopping yesterday for me. He agreed to do it so long as he didn't have to buy tampons. I told him to get what he though we'd need for the next week, week and a half. He did pretty good considering I didn't make a list. I sent him with 200 bucks. He shopped the grocery store twice. When the cart started to fill up, he worried he wouldn't have enough money and would embarress himself at the checkout line. So rahter than do anymore shopping, he checked out. The bill was 93 bucks. He unloaded the cart into the trunk, then went back into the store to shop some more. He spent a total of 153. He bought 2 dozen eggs, 4 boxes of waffles, 3 boxes of cereal and 8 muffins........I think we'll be ok for breakfast! Oh!.....and he bought 3 12 packs of toilet paper!

friday

Son just stopped over. He said he was bored, so I sent him to do my grocery shopping. I told him to pick up whatever he thinks we might need for the next week or two. It will be interesting to see what he brings home.

Today was my off day. I had planned on working in my bathroom. I bought paint and new wood work, and other crap almost a year ago, and have yet to do the work. So today I had planned on getting it started. I ended up taking a 4 hour nap instead. I feel guilty.

thursday

showered
dressed
medicated we-ping
worked
went out for dinner
shopped
checked phone messages
read favorite blogs

going to bed

I See Dead People

My moms colonoscopy was normal. No cancer! She checked herself out of the hospital this evening rather than staying another day or two as suggested by her doctor...........we'll see.

One of my patients died early this morning before my shift started. His body hadn't been picked up yet and so I went in to see him......I'd taken care of him for atleast 4 years and I wanted to pay my respects..............he didn't look dead. He wasn't even pale. So I looked a little closer and thought I saw him take a breath. I went back to the nurses station to grab my stethoscope. I was trying to do it without letting the 11-7 shift nurse see me. I didn't want her to think I didn't trust her judgement....but on the other hand I was the one who would be releasing the body to the funeral home.........so I got my stethoscope, went back to his room, listened fo ra heartbeat......didn't hear one.....confirmed to myself that he was in fact dead....turned to leave the room, and there stood the 11-7 nurse........I could feel my face turning red........ I explained to her that I didn't want to be on the 5 oclock news for releasing a live man to the funeral home, that he didn't look dead...&....I had to make sure since I was the one who'd be releasing the body. She wasn't offended. She knows me. She even laughed. :O)~ SO that's how I started my day, looking at a dead man.........Illness and death surround me these days....at home and at work. I need a happy diversion.

sick kitty

We-Ping has had what we thought was leg pain. Yesterday we found a mass on her left side. It was the size of a lemon. I took her to the Vet today. He shaved some of her fur and we noted bite marks on her skin. The Vet said the bite was probably from another cat. The area was abscessed. The Vet incised and drained the abscess and then irrigated it with betadine. He gave her an injection of antibiotic, and sent her home with oral antibiotics. Kitty handled it like a pro. I bought her a pillow filled with cat nip. She chewed on it on the way home from the doctor. I think it helped to ease her pain. :O)

words unspoken

I woke in a panic this morning certain I'd made a medication error Thursday at work. The panic woke me from a sound sleep. I was like, OMG, the dose she ordered was way to high and I didn't pay attention to it! I got out of bed and called the nurse on duty. I was scared to death she was going to tell me the patient had died, or I was in big trouble, or both. The nurse on duty told me the dose was actually a low dose of the med. and aside from the patient saying "I ain't doing shit until Sandy comes back!" he is doing fine. I was sure I'd screwed up but so relieved to hear I didn't!

Friday night I was at the hospital with my mom. I was sitting in the chair next to her bed. She looks at me and says I'm sorry for being a bad mom. I asked her what she was talking about. She said "I couldn't clean up yours and your sisters vomit. It made me sick and I just couldn't do it." I asked her who cleaned it up. She said "I know I use to cover it up. I'd throw a towel over it. I could cover it up really good. I guess I made you guys clean it up." I said "mom, I don't ever remember having to clean up my vomit when I was a kid." But what I really wanted to say was that I remember waking up in the night with a snotty nose, sore throat and cough........and you would crawl out of bed to give me cough medicine, baby aspirin, and you'd rub Vicks Salve on my chest and back........and then you would put sheets on the couch, wipe away my tears, hug and kiss me.....and then tuck me in on the couch because it was closer to your bedroom.......and I always felt loved and cared for..............................................................but I didn't say any of that because I was afraid I'd cry........and I didn't want to cry in front of her. ANd now I feel guilty for not saying it. I need to say it, and she probably needs to hear it.............

Thursday

Mom is back in the hospital. They're giving her more blood, and will be doing some tests to find out why she's bleeding again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not cancer.
MY dad spent some of his childhood in a catholic orphanage. They were mean to him. I don't think he's ever forgiven them. Whenever my mom is in the hospital, dad parks in the clergy parking space. I think he started doing it because of his unresolved anger towards nuns and priests.It was his way of saying F You! He continues to do it though, I think, because he knows we (my sisters and I) laugh about it. He's such a trip. I remember one time we were in the waiting room while mom was having heart surgery. A nun introduced herself, offered her services and before leaving asked if we had any questions. Dad asked her what she thought of those pedophile priests. Maybe it was mean, I don't know.........I do know I almost choked on the soft drink I was drinking.