content

I love Uncle Crackers voice...........and I think he's a sexy guy.......makes me just wanna wrap myself around him and........yum!
 He has a new cd coming out soon. I think I'll buy it!

I went out on the deck early last evening and started a new painting. (I have an easel now :O)! )
It started out being a painting of my pumpkin vine, then became a picture of the tragedy BP caused, and is now a picture of an apple tree!
It's actually kind of pretty.
It looks happy & calm. Sounds queer, but it's true.

When I started this leave from work I was scared.
I didn't know what I was going to do with myself.
I certainly didn't think it would help my emotional well being.........I thought it was a waste of time.........and I felt guilty
using money I had saved to take time off.
Now I'm thinking it was a good decision.
I needed to separate myself from what was contributing to (and had been for a long time) my "crziness'.......I was overworked, stressed, resentful, going on adrenaline daily for 16 hours, and then crashing or being wired and up half the night thinking............felt resentment towards my patients when they needed me. It always felt like too much, anything they needed, and like I just didn't have it to give  to them anymore. And yet I cared about them which only made me feel worse. I felt resentment towards my patients families for using me and my time to fill a need that they needed filled. Usually nothing to do with their family member I was caring for.
At my last job I worked with a nurse who had been there for 16 years. I worked with her 14 of her 16 years. One day she quit. When they asked her why she was quitting she said "every fucking morning that I come in here  the thermometer is dead and the blood pressure cuff isn't charged. Every God damned morning, and I'm sick of it!"
I understand the frustration she felt. And I know that for one moment it would feel orgasmic to say I quit. I'm fucking sick of this place!
But I want my son to finish college, and my daughter to be able to go to college. I pay for it. A pay cut would not be a good thing. AND I've BEEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW EVER PLACE HAS IT'S ISSUES. (CAPS STUCK)
I hated management for failing to deal with the simplest of issues that would improve the flow of every nurses shift employed by them. I had lost the ability to hide the contempt I felt for them..........and yet on a personal basis I liked   them.........
I needed to decompress in a bad way........and a couple days off of work wasn't going to do it..................................

The sun is shining.
Mr. Joplin is napping.
Daughter is having fun with friends.
I feel content.