friday

We didn't have to wait until next Tuesday for the PET Scan results.
The doctor released them to boyfriends computer chart.
His head, neck, abdomen, and pelvis were clear. In addition to the mass in his
left lung they found a small nodule in his right lung. It may or may not be malignant.
We are happy with the results. Relieved the cancer hasn't spread from the chest. So we'll see the doctor Tuesday to get more info. and a game plan. We're hopeful!

tuesday

The PET SCAN was rescheduled for Wed.
Long story short, it just was.................so we're still in hold mode.

I signed off on the kitchen re-do proposal.
It's probably the worse possible time to do it but boyfriend didn't want me to put it off again.
We found a contractor we really like. That, in and of itself was no easy feat. So I'm going with it.

I paid my car off.
I'm not in love with it. I thought I was, but I'm not.
It is good on gas.
Son says it will live forever.
Maybe in ten years I will like it.
Maybe I won't keep it that long.
I just don't know.
Life is short.
Someday I'm gonna buy an old used Jaguar.
I love me some Jag!

Today we're gonna go out and have some fun.
Boyfriend wants to soak up this beautiful fall like day.
I do too!

saturday

I'm off work for the next 7 days.
Monday is the PET Scan, Tuesday back to the doctor.
The biopsy confirmed the cancer.
It's non-small cell. That's supposed to be a good thing. They couldn't confirm
cancer in the trachea or rule it out. Our hope is the PET Scan will show that the cancer is only in the lung.
So we are in hold mode until Tuesday..........just trying  not to speculate/fortune tell.

Boyfriend began getting angry last night. I've been angry since the day we went to the emergency room. Wanted to scream, wanted to throw dishes. Wanted to scream every time someone would talk about the power of prayer. Pissed me off every time his family told him about someone elses cancer story.
There was comfort for me some how in him expressing his anger. I've tried to swallow mine for fear of upsetting him. Probably wont anymore. I have a chronic stomach ache.......hurts clear through to my back.

thursday

I'm off of work today.
We talked last night when I got home from work
about plans for today.
The plan was to get up this morning, shower, put on pajamas,
and hang around the house!
I have to call the landscaper, find out if she took off with my money.........
I need to sign the kitchen proposal and send them a check, and I need to pay the sanitation bill.
I'm also going to make a pot of homemade vegetable soup and some corn bread, and then work on a painting.
It should be a quiet day.
I'm looking forward to it!

monday

I worked the weekend.
It was quiet for the most part.
They redivided the work load a few weeks ago.
The division mostly affected my assignment
in that I have fewer patients.
I'm grateful.

Boyfriend and I have decided to try our best
to stay in the here and now, best as we can, while navigating through
life with lung cancer.
However we did plan and pay for his funeral last week, added beneficiaries to different accounts, and today we are
signing Living Will papers.
Tomorrow he will go into the hospital for a biopsy of the lung mass, and inflamed areas
in his trachea.

A couple of days before boyfriend was diagnosed I paid a landscaper a portion of money for a retaining wall to be built in my front wall, and for some plants and hedges to be planted.
I haven't heard from them since.
I try to deal with that today.

friday

I took boyfriend to the emergency room very early yesterday morning because he was having pretty bad pain when he took a breath.
They did their tests.............and just like that our whole world was turned upside down...........lung cancer...................fast growing mass in his left lung...............................we held each other in the little cubicle in the ER and we cried. Then we went home, held each other, and cried.
Boyfriend just keeps saying how grateful he is for the life that he has had, that he has had a great one. Then he cries when he worries out loud about leaving me behind.
I reassure him.
I'm so incredibly sad, and scared. All of our plans, all of our dreams, life as we know it.......gone.
My stomach and my heart aches....................

motorcycles

It was back to work today for me.
It wasn't too bad!
One of the other nurses asked me if she could work Labor Day for
me.
Um......YES. As long as we can get it ok'd by the powers that be. Whether or not they OK it will depend on their mood when we ask. So we shall see!

So if I won the lottery I'd probably buy a houseboat.
I think it would be cool to live on one part time.

Oldest son bought a motorcycle.
I hate that he did, and I told him I hated it.........told him it's a coffin on wheels.
I wish he'd sell it and get a boat instead!

empty nester

This is my last day of  11 days off of work.
The time off has been wonderful.
I wish i didn't have to go back!

Daughter moved out and into her first apartment. I knew she was planning on moving out in December. She ended up leaving earlier than I expected. She kind of snuck away. I don't think she knew how to say good-bye. I know I would have had a very difficult time doing it.
Of course I miss her, and worry about her.
Luckily she lives close by and luckily she lives next door to my
sister. So help is just next door or a phone call away if she needs it!

I guess I'm an empty nester. If you don't count my kitties.
I think I was prepared for it.
I worry a little. Mostly I question whether or not I was a good parent to her.......and gave her what she needed as she was growing up. I sure hope so!
If anything, I know she knows how much I love her.