friday

My 14th consecutive day without smoking a cigarette. Yay!



I went to the doctor today.
I've been tired for a month or longer. So tired that I have difficulty getting out of bed/off the couch.
I've also had this sick, weak feeling in the pit of my stomach.........I'm air hungry......................and since I've quit smoking, I've been a total, angry, irritable bitch. Or I cry. Especially while under stress at work. I mean that part of my brain that tells me when to bite my tongue isn't working. I haven't made many friends the last week..........I've probably hurt a few feelings, and have probably pissed off a few people.................. for that I am sorry. So I went to the doctor today for help.

He did a bunch of tests and although all results aren't in yet he has concluded I'm stressed, depressed and anxious. He ordered an antidepressant, and a anti anxiety med. I'll be happy to take them if they help......................anything has to be better than feeling the way I feel........................we'll see...

wed

Day 12 without smoking.
Yay!

day 10

My new work schedule starts August1.
Instead of working five eight and a half hour days, I'll be working three twelve and a half hour days. That means four days a week off. Yay!
I'm looking forward to it.

This is my 10th day without a cigarette.
Hopefully one day it will feel normaL to me to go about my day without
smoking.
Either way, I'm happier now just wanting a cigarette than I was while smoking and wishing I could quit.

While driving home from work yesterday, sitting at an intersection near my home I saw exhusband on his motorcycle with some chick.
I pretended not to see them..............I saw him let her know that I was facing them, from across the intersection and 3 cars back........oh yes I did!...................she was trying to get a look at me........normal curiosity I guess...................her hair reminded me of that clowns from McDonalds. Is his name Bozo? Kind of made me laugh to myself....................not that there's anything wrong with having short, orange, cotton candy like, Bozo the clown hair..........just saying.
He must have thought she was hot though, cause he was driving way too slow, waiting for me to get up next to them..........I never did though. I took a turn off the highway instead.

saturday

DAy 8.
I really wanted to smoke today.
The cravings were
pretty intense. BUt
I got through them.......so, yay!

friday

Seventh day without a cigarette.
I curse a little more than usual.........that filter part of my brain isn't working as well as usual. My doctor friend said it's temporary & not to worry about it.......and I'm not.

A community aquaintance died unexpectedly yesterday.
I think she was a few years younger than I am.
My daughter attended her day care for many years...................and then daughter and son were students of hers in middle school.
Her children were classmates of my sons. ........both of them good kids.
She was very vocal and supportive in my fight to have daughter tested.......
I liked her.......and I liked her husband and parents. Good people who loved their community.............makes me sad for her..........she's too young to die........her kids are too youn g to lose a mom.................................isn't fair.........I don't understand this life that we live.

day 6

Day 6 without a cigarette..............I'm not as irritable.....probably because i'm off work today and so I have less stress.................cravings aren't lasting as long, but they're just as intense as on day one............i feel grateful

son came over today and cleaned out the gutters for me...............he also power washed most of the deck.................i'm going to stain and water proof it in a couple or few days.............needed to be cleaned....

day 4

Day 4 without smoking. I'm distracted by my own thoughts........people talk to me and I usually only hear part of what they are saying........ I don't really care what they say.

The cravings aren't as bad.......but my feelings bounce between anger and resentment to sad and depressed..................and i'm so irritable.......................I was very short while talking to a hospice nurse today.............and then I did it again while talking to the physical therapist.......and while a doctor was pissing me off, I shut him out all together by just walking away from him as he spoke..... I forgive myself.............I don't really care right now what other people think.

ps

Happy 3rd Birthday, We-Ping!

monday

To Chris Brown....boo hoo hoo.....blah blah blah......BS BS BS...........shut up and go the fuck away!



Day # 3 without a cigarette.......................................I drove without smoking.............have had meals without smoking........................have had 5 extra patients dumped in my lap because the other nurse isn't capable of managing her time....and lived through it without a cigarette.................sat at the kitchen table with boyfriend and told him, as I cried,yelled,cursed and sobbed, of resentments I feel right now toward my 2 sons and my daughter..............then..............laughed cause I was pretty sure withdrawl from nicotine was contributing to my emotional meltdown............and then i cried some m0re because it felt so good................so I've done all these things without smoking.............&...I didn't know I could....... I'm patting myself on the back......cause apparently I can....



Tired of hearing about Michael Jackson............drug addicts die.......it's what they do.

sunday

I quit smoking.
My last cigarette was Friday night.
I'd like to have one right now, but am hanging in there until the craving passes.

Boyfriend, daughter, and I are going to a dog show today.
Our local library is hosting the show& my sister entered her dog.
We thought it might be fun to see.

monday

It's 11:30 pm and I should be getting ready for bed, but I'm not tired. Imagine that!!

So I was driving through a little shopping center parking lot headed to the high school to pick up my daughter from cheerleading practice. As I drive through the lot I see this young boy who was about 10 years old.......a cute, chubby, freckled face boy sitting on a bench.....his bike parked near by........ crying.....face red, snotty nosed, crying. I thought someone had hurt him, or that maybe he'd wrecked his bike...... I pulled my car over to the curb and asked him if he was Ok....................when he said he was ok, I asked him why then was he crying. He said "before I left the house my mom told me that I'd better not spend my money on those White Castle hamburgers. But I did. I spent my whole ten dollars on White Castles. I ate them all! I think I'm going to be sick! I am going to be in trouble with my mom!"
He was so cute......... Cracked me up. .......................and I'm not sure, but I think you can buy like 20 White Castle hamburgers for 10 bucks........................ he had to be feeling pretty crappy. Poor little, non-listen to his mom kid.

Starting August 1 my hours at work will be cut by 16 hours/month.
I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's one day a pay period multiplied x2 for the month.......it adds up........................I might be able to pick up an extra day of work here and there if someone calls in sick/takes vacation time. It's not something I have control over...................I'm really not interested in/motivated enough to find a facility that would want to hire me for 2 days a month.
So for right now what I've decided to do is pay my car off 2 years early.............and then tighten my belt. If I can still manage to save, above and beyond my tsa..........then yay. If however things get too tight, then I'll go on a hunt for another job.
It will work out either way...................things just have a way of working out.

vacation is over

So we start 12 hour shifts at work August 1.
I knew it was coming. What I didn't know is that we'll only be scheduled for 3 shifts a week. I'll be losing 16 hours of work/month.
SUcks.
I can't afford to give up 16 hours of pay.
Not sure yet what I'm going to do.
My choices are get an additional job, or get an all together new job. Sucks.

happy 4th

Sons will be here around 5. They're going to grill out with daughter, boyfriend and me. I bought some delicious looking New York strips. Not sure yet what I'll serve with them.


I spent the morning prepping the bathroom walls for paint, and I have almost all of the first coat of paint applied. So YAY!

I was sitting on the deck with daughter yesterday. She told me she's feeling a little down remembering the past 4th of July celebrations. It was a huge celebration for our family back when I was married. I don't try to recreate the old celebrations. It was how we did it back then.,,,,and it was great. But our family has changed........everything changes...even when we may not want the change................I felt badly for her.

vacation day 9

About once a month for the past 4 years I've made it a point to drive past a house that I'm kind of in love with..............each time I drive by, I cross my fingers and hope there's a for sale sign in the yard. This past Father's Day, while at my mom and dads house, my older sister told me about how she fell in love with a house, has been driving by it each time hoping there'd be a for sale sign in the yard. She finally tired of waiting, so the last time she drove past it, she stopped, put a note on their door asking them to call her if they were interested in selling...............the nephew of the owner of the house called my sister and told her he had just placed his aunt in a nursing home, &was planning on listing the house..............................................it's not "my" house, bbbut it's the house next door to my house.............apparently there are 3 sisters who lived in 3 separate houses next door to each other........nephew has placed 2 of the sisters in nursing homes, and plans on placing the 3rd sister (the one in "my" house) in a nursing home in the next several months. My sister gave him my name and number. He said his 3rd aunt is being stubbbbbbborn(my B key is sticking) but as soon as he gets her moved, he will call me to have a look. If I like the house it's mine. So we'll see! ( I think it's weird that sister was driving past the house right next door to the house I'd been driving past.............and 2 boot...2 other sisters were living in the houses. weird huh?) (not sure i want to live next door to my sister........she's probably not sure she wants me to buy the house next door to her) :O)

Boyfriend and I went out to dinner this evening. We ended up getting chili cheese footlongs, and ice cream. Talk about heart attack on a platter...................but it was so good..................we ate at a park while we watched a soccer game.............it was a beautiful evening.................................daughter, as always, was invited........but she wanted to go to Coney with a friend to celebrate the 4th. She had a great time.

Boyfriend and I have decided to combine households/move in together..............daughter and sons are all for it..................this is not a decision made on a whim...............I've been considering it for several years ..........he's been ready for several years, but has patiently waited for me to catch up. So there you have it, like it/agree with it or not!

daughters art work

Penny on the wall...

on lending money

My long distance friend called the other day. He's the guy who called several weeks ago to make amends, and then to tell me he planned on killing his self, and to ask if I would loan him some money. He'd recently lost his job and would at the end of June lose his car and be evicted from his apartment...........So he called a few days ago & told me he has 2 in person interviews scheduled. He also told me he hasn't thought about hurting his self for a week. He also asked if he could still borrow some money, 2 thousand dollars.......and he also told me that I was probably the love of his life.
He doesn't want to borrow the money if one of the interviews doesn't pan out into a job offer. I guess he's going to kill his self if he doesn't get the job.
When he first asked for the money I thought here's a friend who needs help. If I don't help him he will kill his self.... I truly thought he was suicidal. After giving the situation more thought though, I wondered
why a person would call someone, make amends to them....and then tell them you're going to kill yourself. Why put that burden on someones shoulder? I worried, lost sleep trying to figure out just the right thing to say to stop him from taking his life..............I mean if you're truly going to kill yourself, if your mind is made up, why torture someone by telling them you're going to do it......and then after you die, the person you told the suicide plan about prior to carrying out the act is left living and wondering what they could have done to save your life. So why bother to tell them your plan?...................unless of course you're planning on asking them for money......and you know they're a good person with a good heart.....and maybe a little too trusting..................................but the topper is when you end the conversation with "you were probably the love of my life."
My thoughts on that is this..........if I was the love of his life, why would it take 5 years after the break up to figure it out? It's not a difficult thing to figure out. Either you love someone and want to be with them, or you don 't. It's really quite simple. Don't you think?....so to say it to me right after asking for money is kind of insulting...................but I guess more than anything, I'm angry at myself for not saying "NO" I can't loan you money. I was afraid to say no. I was afraid I'd be contributing to his suicide. I was afraid to say no to a friend. I was afraid to say to him I'm paying sons college tuition & raising a daughter who will be going to college in 2 years, and the money I have tucked away (which isn't much) ensures I can continue to take care of my home and my children should I be faced with some sort of catastrophe.
He was probably making, based on what he told me, about 50 grand more a year than what I make......his children are grown, so he's not paying any child support....................how in the world does a person piss away their whole paycheck from month to month, especially making the money he was making, without any consideration for the future?? How do they not think about saving money for just in case? ....................... I remember a conversation with him from many months back where he told me he was quitting his job.........and I said to him "DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER JOB? FIND ANOTHER JOB BEFORE YOU QUIT YOUR PRESENT JOB!" He dismissed what I had to say.
I'm confused. Is he a desperate man reaching out to a friend for help.............or is he an irresponsible, manipulative man looking for someone to save him because it's easier than putting in the work it will take to save his self.
DOes it matter? Because the reality is this...............I said yes when I should have been honest with him and told him I don't have money to give......not now, not when I have other priorities.

Would I be a terrible person if I told him I've changed my mind. Because if my 2 thousand dollars is enough to "save" him, and if he really doesn't want me to loan it to him unless he is offered a job, and if he's really making 50 grand more a year than what I'm making..............then it should only take him a couple of months to get his finances together, without my help. Right?

vacation day 8

Tha carpet guys came yesterday and installed the carpeting. They did a good job. It looks better than I thought ti would. I spent most of yesterday helping daughter move back to her old room. Seems moving into her big brothers room wasn't as grand as she thought it would be. She missed HER room. So we moved her brothers belongings back to his room, and visa versa.
This morning I baked some banana nut bread, cranberry muffins, and sugar cookies. My house smells good! The sugar cookies were sort of an after thought. I make them for the little girl up the street. She loves them....
Daughter has a mirror that came as a set with her dresser..........she didn't want to use it anymore. I thought it had potential if it was separated from the dresser. So that's what we did................ we took it out back this morning and painted it a bright yellow.................daughter usually sits on her bedroom floor when she does her hair..............so I thought we could sit the mirror on the floor propped against the wall for her to use when she's doing her hair.......it turned out cute......I'll try to get a picture.
I was checking out the paint job in the stairway hallway today. Daughter and her boyfriend painted it, and I hadn't really taken a good look until today. The first thing that caught my eye was what looked like a penny stuck to the wall, and painted over.............closer inspection revealed that indeed it was a penny stuck to the wall and painted. I asked daughter about it. She said she put it there for luck. My first thought was "dammit, Emm!" But then it made me smile cause that's my Em!