monday

I finally finished water proofing/staining the deck. It looks way good. So YAY!

Oldest son is on vacation this week........I'm kind of hoping that he'll hang the new shutters I bought...........there's only 6.......how long could it take?............and I'm also hoping he'll hang the new kitchen screen door. I bought a cheap one last summer.......it fell apart.........I invested in a more expensive one.........hopefully son will hang it for me.

I told daughter that she needs to paint her bathroom. I put on the first coat. I explained to her that I'm tired and won't be doing the second coat.

After finishing the deck I worked around the yard for a couple hours..................felt good to be up and about again.................I don't know if it's the medicine the doctor has me on, or if i'm through with physical withdrawl.........but i'm starting to feel more like a normal person.

friday

It was a crazy, manic, busy work day.
While posting doctor orders, charting, filing, and working my wat through the 25 charts on the desk in front of me, I answered the work phone. It took me about 30 seconds to realize it was a head hunter. I was BUSY! YOU KNOW? Like overwhelmed, knot in the stomach, how am I ever gonna get done, busy! So after realizing it was a head hunter I hung up on her. I resent that they even bother calling. She called back. I answered........she says "we must have been cut off." I said nope, I was busy and so I hung up. She says " That was rude. You could have just told me you were busy!" So I said "I'm busy" and hung up on her again.
Being a bitch feels good some of the time.

thur

Worked a 14 hour day today.
I still have a bunch of paper work to catch up on tomorrow.

Looking forward to the weekend.
I want to finish water proofing and staining the deck.
And of course I still have a second coat of paint to apply to the upstairs bathroom...............not going to stress about it..........i'll get to it when I feel up to it.........

wed

I find that when I blog I want to smoke. I don't, but I really REALLY want to. I'm
hanging in there and continue to be a non-smoker. Who knew it was possible?

Drove past dudes house today.
The guy who lives across the street from dude was outside watering his garden.
I explained to him what happened................and asked him if dude still lived across the street. He said yes.
Tomorrow I'm going to paY neighbor guy to call me next time dude is home. Then I'll call the cops and we'll see what happens.

I water proofed/stained the deck today. Or atleast 3/4 of the deck. I used a Redwood natural tone. It looks pretty good.

tuesday

I just got back from taking daughter to school, and driving past "dudes" house.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to take a nap today.

I'm thinking dude works second shift. His wifes car is usually gone in the afternoon................and he hit my son at around midnight. He told the cops he was on his way home from work. So I'm thinking about staking out his house around noon for a couple hours. If I'm lucky he's still living there........the thing that makes me most angry is thinking about my son lying on the ground dazed, in pain& going in to shock. He asked dude to call help......... dude chose instead to call his wife/girlfriend to come get him "I just hit some dude. Come get me." Not once did he ask my son if he was ok...........not once did he say I'm sorry..........not once did he say even one word of comfort to my son.........................his one and only concern was for himself....................& so............if I find him maybe if I call the police,& since there's a warrent for his arrest, maybe they'll come get him. And I'll also notify the dmv that him and his wife are using an ohio address to get out of paying car property tax. That will cost them around 800 bucks plus a fine............it's the least I can do.

monday

So I continue to take the anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor.
I guess I've been taking it for about 13 days.
I cut the dose he prescribed by 3/4. It was just too strong. It kept me up all night, and then I'd be exhausted, stoned& unfocused all day .........................and to boot, it caused me to yawn constantly, and it gave me chills.
I tried cutting the dose in half, but that was still too much...............so now I'm taking 1/4 of the dose.........I'm not sure if it's helping. I do know I'm sleeping really well at night...........but I also took a 6 hour nap 2 hours after getting out of bed this morning........................I remember waking up last night from a deep sleep, and I remember saying to my self "damn I feel good".........and I did feel really good......
The filter in my brain is working again, and I don't feel as stressed in general............I think it has more to do with getting through withdrawl though, than it has to do with the medicine I'm taking.
I guess I'll just take it as it comes and see how it goes....................

Dude that ran over son and then skipped out on his court date is going to go to jail soon..............I'm keeping an eye out for him.............looking for him.............watching his home ......I swear to you I will find him.........................

saturday

The 12 and 1/2 hour shifts are going okay.
It's just 4 hours more of working without enough staff. No biggie.
Today while at work, and while juggling oh, I don't know......let's just say about 100 different tasks.......I took the time to answer the phone.........we don't have a receptionist on the weekends, and I was waiting on a return call from one of the doctors.
So I answer the phone and am greeted by a polite, seemingly nice guy........and I'm thinking it's one of the doctors in the group of the doctor I had paged.............so I'm having a conversation with this guy and BOOM! It's an obscene phone caller. I told him it would probably serve him best if he spoke to my supervisor. I put him on hold and paged the other nurse to pick up the obscene call parked on one. She did...............but in the mean time I felt myself getting so fucking pisssed for being duped....I was so mad I was beside myself with anger.............I yelled to her...... GIVE ME THE PHONE RIGHT NOW! She did......&........I told that mother fucker off like I've never told another living soul off before. I'm not telling about it because I'm proud of myself.........I'm telling about it because it felt so fucking, orgasmically good to tell that perverted mother fucking, cock sucker off. He gets his nuts off calling nurses and talking dirty. I got my nuts off telling him I was going to rip off his cock and shove it up his nose.
After the obscene phone.........
I went about my business of rolling to the fax to retrieve lab results.................and on my way over to the fax my chair tipped and I ended up flat on my back on the hard, cold, dirty, nurses station floor.
I reassured the other nurse, and the lone visitor walking past that I was ok. I made no move to get up. Told them I was just going to lay there for awhile and reflect a bit.
And so I did.
The End

friday

Daughter had a nice birthday.
She asked me to cook italian sausage with onions and green peppers, corn, and baked beans for her birthday dinner..................and we got her a cute round cake covered in bright, colorful flowers.
Her dad had dinner with us. It always feels a little weird having him and boyfriend together in this house...........it worked out though............I actually enjoyed his company.........................felt like an old friend had come to visit.....................
Him and daughter talked me into allowing daughter to get her belly button pierced........it was pretty obvious they'd been planning their "attack" against me for quite some time.........I thought it was cute.

wed.

Dude who ran over my son had his court date yesterday.
I had to work so couldn't be there. Boyfriend went on my behalf, and my dad also went.
Dude didn't show up. A bench warrent was issued, and a 1500. dollar bond.........It's not so much that I want to hurt the dude........but he wasn't even willing to call 911 for my injured son.........when I think about it, I guess I do want to hurt him.........dumb fuck!

Yesterday was daughters first day back to school.
She was anxious to get back to all of her friends and even to some of the teachers.
Tomorrow is her birthday.
I bought her a digi cam. It's what she asked for. I also got her a necklace. I found it at Kohls and thought it was cute.
Boyfriend and I are taking her out for breakfast tomorrow before school.
We'll give her her presents tomorrow evening.

sunday

It's my weekend off.

I went to bed Friday night and didn't get out of bed

until 8 this morning.

I tried to will myself up and out of bed but just couldn't do it.

After 2 weeks of trying to get pre auth. from my insurance for the anti-depressant, and me calling my doctors office 3 times to tell them that even with pre auth. the medicine will cost me 149.00 a month, money I'm not williing to spend when Wal Mart and Krogers have perfectly good anti-depressants for 4 bucks...............it took them 15 days to finally hear what I was saying...........I suppose he heard.........maybe not because he ended up picking a med that wasn't on wal marts or krogers list............but it will only cost me 10 bucks/month.

So I took the first pill Thursday evening. It made my stomach feel nervous, nauseated, and my mind wouldn't turn off that night. I literally didn't sleep for even a minute.

It was a struggle at work Friday.

I was exhausted. All I could think about was how I couldn't wait to get some sleep.

I finally made it through the day, came home, and slept from Friday to Sunday.

I'm afraid to take another one of those pills.

I'm also afraid not to.



I'm still a non-smoker. I think today makes a month. My doctor tells me I have to go 2 months without smoking to be considered a non-smoker. Fuck him.

august the 12th

Today is my moms birthday.

We don't usually make her a birthday cake because she's diabetic.

Looking back I feel a little guilty because there are so many sugar free recipies we could have used............

Older sister called me and said she wants for each of the five of us to make mom a cake this year .

So I got up early this morning and started cooking. I made a lemon pie. It's sugar free. I didn't know how to make a sugar free cake. The pie looks great.......so I also made one for boyfriend.



Went school clothes shopping yesterday with daughter.

While at the mall we went to Macy's to find my mom a birthday gift.

It's her favorite store and I figured if I couldn't find anything to buy her, I could always get her a gift card.

I ended up finding an interesting looking bracelet. It's full of pretty colors, and has a couple lovely little stones. Daughter thought it would be perfect.......and I thought so too!



While In Macys yesterday my heart was aching.

It was my best friends favorite place to shop.



I'm not sure where a person goes when they die....................yesterday I could feel my friend around me. I talked to him a little................he didn't answer, but I could imagine what he would have said had he been able to tslk to me.

I miss him.

i don't even know what day it is..

Nothing new going on..........son sent flowers to me at work yesterday. It was his way of thanking me for taking care of him after he was run over. Iwas surprised and touched. It was sweet of him.

I slept in until 11:30 am. I forced myself out of bed to go pee, brush my teeth and wash my face. I iced myself a Sprite Zero, and then went back to bed until 5pm. Got up, showered and took daughter to cheerleading practice..........then did a little grocery shopping. I'm killing time till practice is over.

I was in the gas station/store place yssterday. A customer was being a rude bastard to the guy working the counter. Guy working the counter was being a polite reasonable person and was doing what he could to explain to the customer the answer to customers question/concern................customer started some shit about how guy working the register shouldnt be so rude to him.............and he wouldn't let it go.........he was picking a fight......................and that's when I but in and told customer what a rude little fuck he was being.............. I shocked myself. I hadn't planned on saying anything...........it just came out.........like a projectile vomit. And you know how when you vomit you usually feel a little better? That's how I felt, and how I've been feeling when I speak my mind...........it's just that it's not always the right time or place.........................................and I'd like to feel more in control when it happens....rather than be surprised.

SUNDAY

the 12 hour shifts aren't so bad....................unless of course its your childs birthday, or christmas, or maybe you have a cold and can suffer through 8 hours.....but now you have to suffer through 12............


i'll definately enjoy having 4 days off a weeK!












the physical therapy department is always closed by 5pm...................and almost always closed by 4pm..............it's on my unit.........since we've started 12 hour shifts, and after the business office closes, I've been able to spend my break lifting weights, and doing some cardiovascular work out in the therapy rooms. i have it to myself. i love the peace and quiet.

friday

I read the police report today of my motorcyle driving son that was wrecked in to by the cadillac driving, suspended licensed, non- insured dude.
Dude is 45 years old.
I drove by his house. I thought about hitting his car with a baseball bat, or maybe throwing nails under his tires.................he was on the sidewalk when I drove by..........if looks could kill he'd be dead......I drove by a second time.........I wanted so badly to tell him off, curse him out............................but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know if he's the type of loser that carries a gun.
I kept my mouth shut, for now.

I continue to be a non-smoker. But I really do wish I could smoke one.

thursday, right?

Today is middle sons 21st birthday.
He's always been, and will probably always be the most difficult of my children. Some of the time I wonder if he was switched in the hospital nursery.
But I love him just the same.

Boyfriend, daughter, and I are taking middle son out for an early supper. He's been cooped up in my bed and on the couch since his motorcycle wreck. It's time for him to get up & going. He says he feels up to it.............and so there you have it!..................................I made carrot cake (his favorite) for later while at home.
He's always borrowing my digi cam.........................so I bought him one for his birthday gift......also got him a nice shirt and tie for work.
I still look at him and am amazed that he's alive and not paralyzed......(my very first patient while a nursing student was a 19 y/o guy paralyzed after being hit while riding his motorcycle)................and even though I don't really participate in organized religion, I thank God every morning, and every night for not letting my son die.
I hate motorcycles. I refer to them as coffins on wheels. No matter what you say about them, they're dangerous.

monday.....or is it wednesday?

Sister called me at work last evening to let me know mom is back in the hospital due to low blood counts and is being transfused..........................on my way home from work (I wanted to change clothes and clean up before going to the hospital) my 2nd oldest sister called me..........she believes mom is dying. She wants to talk to and treat mom like she might one of her dying patients. Pissed me off. I reminded her mom isn't her patient,
I can't explain it...............................other than to say everything she said to me pissed me off........................and when she brought up Hospice I about blew my top................

OLdest sister called my house the other day. I wasn't home. Boyfriend answered the call. He and sister talked. In their conversation sister told boyfriend how I've always been the strong one of us 5 girls/sisters.
I'm not feeling so strong right now...................I'm usually somewhere between holding back tears, to feeling angry and resentful.
I'm sorry.

ps

i'm still a non smoker

sun

MIddle son is okay.............................................................................at midnight lastnight son was on his way home on his motorcycle. He was sitting at an intersection waiting on the green light........dude coming up behind him didn't see the red light or my son...........he kept right on driving knocking my son off hi9s bike and up in to the air like a basketball............son did a few flip overs in the air...............both his gym shoes went flying 30 yards away in separate directions.........and then son landed on the ground........

The guy who hit son, according to witnesses, pulled over, got out of his car and went over to son...............son remembers asking dude to call 911...................dude called his girlfriend instead to telll her to come get him.....................probably because he was driving with a suspended license, and without insurance..................................3 cars back was an RN........who also happened to be my older sister...........................she got out to help... not knowing it was her nephew who'd just been hit......................

When older sister got to him he was going into shock......................sisters husband ran across the street to where my exhusband, and oldest son are shooting pool.....................they run to the scene of the accident as the life squad is loading up son to take to the trauma center in cincinnati..................................................................................mean while I'm at home with daughter and boyfriend.....................................I've taken the first of the anti anxiety pills doctor prescribed for me earlier in the day............i'm in bed and have just dozed off...........daughter is standing beside my bed shoving the phone at me saying brother has to talk to you.....................I answer the phone, still a little groggy and confused until I hear oldest son telling me to get over to the trauma unit, life squad is on its way with middle son who was just struck by a vehicle while on his bike.

I scream, boyfriend jumps out of bed to my screaming, daughter is crying and shaking..............we take off in the car...........I struggle to hold back the vomit that's burning my throat......my mind is racing .................................I have no idea how to get to university hosp......................from the car I call one of the nurses at my work.................she gives us directions..............on the drive i'm wondering why the life squad didn't take son to the hospital that is 2 blocks away from where he'd been hit.........I've convinced myself that he must have critical injuries thus the trauma unit...........we get to the hospital and I ask to see my son................lady in red shirt tells me it will be 15 to 20 minutes.................I ask her if he's alive..................she says LET ME CHECK (I swear that's what she said!) and walks through the double doors to where I'm guessing they have my son.............. I"m beside myself with anxiety and fear..........I feel like i'm outside my body observing the activity going on around me............... I hear boyfriend telling me to breathe and I see him rubbing my arm.

I think fuck this hospital .........I'm not waiting to see my son.................lady in red shirt must have read my mind because she meets me at the double door........as does exhusband and oldest son......................exhusband and I are led through the doors, past numerous patients on gourneys in the hallway, and in to a cubicle. ......................they tell us that son is in xray, is able to move his fingers and toes.........probably has a broken leg and will be back shortly.

Seeing him alive was the greatest feeling in the world............................he knew the outcome could have been so much worse...............he cried, and so did I. He swears he's finished with the whole motorcycle thing..........syas he'll never get on one again.

Finally got him home the next morning.
He has a broken left leg, and a mean case of whip lash..............................he's not complaining too much. He knows he was lucky to be alive.

Dude in a cadillac hurt my son. He was driving uninsured with a suspended license. He wasn't arrested because they don't arrest rather they will send him a notice to appear in court.
I've never physically harmed another human being in all of my life.
This guy almost killed my son...............................and wouldn't even call 911.
I believe that if son and dude had been the only 2 people at that intersection, dude would have left my son laying there to go in shock and die..............or to be hit my another vehicle.
I want to beat the fuck out of him.