(no subject)

Not a whole lot going on..........I spent yesterday napping and cleaning the living room while boyfriend put together the TV stand I bought.

I've been looking at flat screen HDTV'S  for a couple years waiting for the prices to come down. I'm not a big TV person and buying a new TV while my old one is working without problems just seemed like a waste of money. But daughter and I need a TV upstairs for exercise videos and such...........so I bit the bullet and bought the new TV.

I like it. We watched Vivitar on it last night. The picture is great!

 

My pumpkin vine and tomato plants are doing well.

This is the best my tomato plants have ever done.

I started them much earlier this year, and I'm giving them more water than usual.

My cantaloupe is growing a little slower.

 

Along with spring, and summer comes dead animals on the driveway and front walk from Wee Ping.

She's killed 2 baby rabbits. I asked her to quit killing them. They're too cute, and sweet to be killed. So far so good...........

Yesterday she had a snake on the front walk and daily she leaves me a mole type thing next to my car door. I thank her, and her gifts make me smile..........I don't like cleaning them up though.

 

It's been just about 11 months since my last cigarette.

I try to think of the cigarette as an ex abusive spouse................and when I want to go back, I remind myself that no good will come from it.........that I'll end up hurt or dead.

It helps.

romance.......cooking, and cheerleading

Boyfriend and I went out for dinner last night.

It was romantic, and sweet because of some of the things boyfriend said to me. I even cried. There's a big shocker, huh?

I'm selfish I guess because I want to keep what he said to me to myself. I feel like sharing it would be like giving it away............

 

Daughter made captain of the cheerleading squad along with another girl. Daughter will be captain of the squad during football season.

So YAY for daughter!

 

I'm borrowing a couple of boyfriends cookbooks. Daughter will pick out one recipe a week that she wants to prepare, and we're going to prepare it together.

I think it will be fun.

I'll take pictures. :O)

 

 

cleaning house

So yesterday I cleaned my bedroom walls with Spic n Span, shampooed my bedroom carpets, cleaned the windows, hung new curtains, and packed up a bunch of stuff to store in the extra upstairs bedroom.

I rearranged the bedroom furniture, and threw away an antique chest drawer. I loved it but it's lived it's life!

My bedroom looks good. It feels better now to be in there...........I also cleaned out the dining room buffet cabinets, dusted the buffet and all the pictures on it, and stored away my special occasion dishes. I cleaned a bookshelf, and the dining room table. It's starting to look up I think! (I'm not manic. I still feel tired and deconditioned. But at least for now I'm able to push beyond it.)

 

Today I cut the grass, paid next months bills, balanced my checkbook and cleaned my kitchen floor. 

 

Daughter had cheerleading tryouts today. (I thought it was tomorrow.) She made varsity. I'm relieved. I wasn't sure if the sponsor would retaliate(she is that stupid!) somehow causing daughter not to make the squad. This will be daughters senior year.

I'm looking forward to her graduating and being away from that school. I'm looking forward to being away from that school!

 

I'm still very emotional in that I'm easily brought to tears. It's one of the reasons I stayed on the anti depressants for so long.

I was embarrassed by my crying. Not that I was a bumbling crybaby. But if I was engaged in a conversation with my sons about their cousin being beaten, or our friend Joel dying.......I would cry. I had lost my ability to choke back the tears. The same thing when it came to talking about the divorce or my friend Chucks passing. And when I felt angry, I'd cry. It's how I'd express it. I didn't mean it. I couldn't/can't hold it back.

And now I'm not going to try to anymore. And if that makes other people uncomfortable they will have to deal with it.

I'm just going to let it out if it wants it that way. Fuck it. It wins. I'll cry, and then I will feel better. I'm sick of feeling like shit!

 

Lindsey Lohan is going to die. Just like Michael Jackson did. Drug addicts usually die it seems. Especially if they're a rich addict.

Jesse James cheated because he wanted to fuck other women and he thought he'd get away with it. He did get away with it until he got caught.

 

 

(no subject)

It's so hot here and will continue to be until God knows when.

 

B/P angers me.

They're doing a crappy job of dealing with the oil spill.....................and......

In the end, tax payers will end up covering the clean up cost..........................................................................and now Palin is on the TV running her trap.  I need an escape from reality.

 

 

(no subject)

Mr. Bojangles cracks me up the way he "dances" up the hallway while playing...........he's the cutest little kitty. :O) He reminds me a little of a toddler. He demands attention..........but then he'll disappear.........and I notice his absence.......so I go on a hunt for him........and usually there he sits behind/in front of the dining room curtain quietly watching the world outside the window. He makes me smile.

 

I'm on the hunt for a file cabinet.

I thought Wal Mart would have them but they don't.

I also figured Lowes would carry them, but NOT!

So I'll probably run out to Office Depot for one.........I'm working on getting all my important papers organized and in one place.

 

I cleaned out my bedroom closet.

I honestly don't know how I manage to collect so much crap.

But now it's clean. The floor is even empty. It looks good!

I also cleaned out my bedroom junk drawer. It wasn't a small drawer either.

So to have it cleaned out leaves me feeling relieved.

 

For years I've been looking for the perfect picture to hang on the wall

behind my couch.

 I honestly couldn't find what I wanted..........and I didn't want to spend money on something that I'd later regret..........................

finally though the search is over.............but I'm not allowing myself to buy it until I finish cleaning/organizing my bedroom, and the hallway closet.

 

Daughter has cheerleading tryouts on the last day of school. (this Thursday)

I'm worried about what's going to happen.

 Daughter isn't concerned. So I just keep my mouth shut and my fingers crossed.

 

I don't know what day it is today.

I'm tired.
I have zero energy.
I'm still off the antidepressant and anti anxiety medications.
I don't feel any better or any worse.

I'm on my 3rd week off of work. Five or more to go.
I don't see the point.
But I don't want to go back either.


I will set up an appointment to talk to someone because
I know that I'm confused, and I need help.

Thank God I've made it a point of being a saver when it comes to my money. I'm careful, and smart when it comes to money. I guess I take after my dad.
I cringe when I see how others foolishly spend, rationalize their spending, and then can't even pay a simple car repair, or medical bill.
Being careful with and smart when it comes to my money will allow me to take this time off, atleast without having to worry about money.

sunday

I love the sweet, quiet, companionship that Mr. Bojangles offers me.

I think every one of my patients should have a pet, fish, plant,.....  

I'm not very religious. ....... My mother is an atheist.  (I think she's just faking it.) My father is an ex Catholic who hates everything about/  is still angry at the Catholic Church.
 I was raised Methodist.
I pray. I taught my children to pray.
I try to live "right".
I hope there's a God.

I apologized to another nurse a few weeks ago about a misunderstanding. I really didn't owe her an apology but it's my nature to be peace keeper. I was trying to keep the peace. So I apologized. She said to me "vengeance is mine saith the lord"......or something like that. I thought "fuck you, you fucking bitch"..............didn't say it.......just thought it............I think I said something like "okay"................
I don't have a point. I'm just rambling.

I've never cursed in front of my parents until I turned 40....................why I did then I'm not sure, or maybe I just don't want to get in to the why right now.................Daughter began using curse words in front of me after her cheer leading sponsor called her a fucking crybaby bitch.
I told her she's not allowed to use foul language in front of me....................and I told her she shouldn't use it in public either. I told her she loses credibility when she curses in her everyday conversation, it's not appealing, it's tacky....and so on and so on.....................
I don't remember my mom cursing. My dad was like the guy on "A Christmas Story".............he'd blow about every several months using a string of curse words.......and then that would be it  till the next time.

Daughter is working on a paper for school.
They read "Death Of A Salesman" and now she has to choose a character from the play and compare that character to someone in real life.
She has chosen to compare "the lady" with her school principal, Mr. D.
I haven't read the book............I guess I'll try to tonight.

Boyfriend is making meatloaf for supper.
I only like my moms and boyfriends meatloaf....................anyone else's is just gross to me. My house smells so good, like boyfriends meatloaf! Can't wait for supper.

1st prom

I hope she's having a blast!

just for fun

flower potvalentinefirst prom.......sons came over this afternoon......cracked up laughing at the prom pic of their sister. :O)

thursday

So I did my first painting.
It was fun!
I've found something I feel passionate about.
It's a wonderful feeling!
I suck though at it. But that's okay. Right?
So I did another painting. It's daughter in her prom dress, standing in the front yard.
When I revealed it to her she covered her mouth and held back her laughter.
She wasn't being mean. She was trying desperately to be kind. I laughed. lol.
She asked me if in the painting, next to her, was it her cave, or her date. It's the tree in the front yard. :O)!
When I find my  cam I'll take a picture of my paintings.

I took myself off the anti depressant, anti anxiety, and folic acid 4 days ago.
They aren't helping. They make me want to sleep and eat all the time.....and I think they're making me feel hostile.
That's not what I want to feel, or how I want to live.
I'll find another way of dealing with "it".......

wed

Have you ever met a person who presents their life as SO together? To ever share anything REAL about their lives would leave them just too vulnerable............or they're incapable of being humble.
They're almost smug.
I'd be happy for a person who doesn't have any real problems.....................and we go through times in our lives when things ARE going well for the most part.......and hopefully it's like that more often than not.
However I've lived long enough to know that
everyone has their problems some of the time.
The person who is "perfect" I can't help but wonder what's wrong with them.

Daughter want's to box.
My first thought was "can your neck be broken from boxing?" I have a fear of my kids breaking their neck.
My very first patient as a nurse was a spinal cord injury.......... A 19 y/o male in a motorcycle wreck.
I hate motorcycles (coffins on wheels), I hated my sons playing football, and now I wonder about spinal cord injuries from boxing.
I'll have to research it and see.
I'm sure I'll allow her to do it...........we'll take steps, if any, to protect her neck.

I switched my home owners insurance company yesterday.
I switched from Allstate to State Farm.
I will save roughly $500.00/year..........and have more coverage. I also save an additional 14% on the price to insure each car insured at this address.
I'm very pleased.

tuesday

So I ordered satin gloves for daughter to wear with her dress to the prom.
The color of orange was all wrong so I spent a day mixing orange and red dye trying to get the color just right. I think I finally did. So Yay!

I finished my first painting. I had it on the table drying. We-Ping walked across the picture on her way to the window seal.
I love the little paw prints!

monday

I had a nice time at my moms yesterday.
I have 4 sisters. We all dropped in throughout the day.
My sister that's a year older than me was there at the same time as me.
So it was even more fun having her there........and then my nephew and his son dropped in..........seeing them is always a good thing.......boyfriend spent time in the garage with dad while mom, sister and I hung out.
I was going through some pictures of my moms side of the family from when she was a child..............one was of her in her graduation robe and hat from her high school graduation ...........I asked her if she had had sex yet with dad when that picture had been taken.................and then I asked her if dad was her first............she wouldn't answer me........so then me and sister teased her and asked if she's had more than 1 "first." She laughed.                                   So.....................
Yesterday was a nice day. Boyfriend gave me some beautiful yellow roses and a kiss.
His sons mother is deceased, and so is his mother. I know it's not the greatest of days for him.
He shared some memories, with a smile, of his mom with my mom.

Today wasn't such a great day. It was horrible to be quite honest.
I called boyfriend because no matter how much I willed myself out of bed, I just couldn't do it. I was scared.
Daughter is angry at me. Boyfriend is at a loss and frustrated.
I'm not depressed.
I'm tired and frustrated.
I'm going to start over tomorrow and try to be better..

thank you for my family

Oldest son took me out for a Mothers Day supper this afternoon.
We had a great meal and good conversation. After supper we took a drive and did more talking.
It was so enjoyable. I mean it. I had such a great time.
When he dropped me off at home he gave me a Mothers Day card and gift certificate to Barnes & Noble.
What a sweet card & gift!
I'll probably shop online tonight. WooHoo!

Both of my sons have baseball games tomorrow, thus the early Mothers Day.
I'll be able, with daughter, to spend a little extra time with my mom tomorrow, and then boyfriend and I( if I can talk him in to it) will probably go watch the boys play some ball. We'll see what tomorrow brings. :O)

Mr. Bojangle is getting along well.
He came already potty trained.
He's playful, and affectionate. We-Ping doesn't like having him here.

My boss called me this morning. Why she called on a Saturday is beyond me.
I didn't know she had called until thsi evening.
I didn't call her back.
I don't want to talk to her or most of the people at that place....I feel anger and resentment towards them....My problem I know. I'll deal with it. For now
I just want to be left alone.

Mr. Bojangles

This is my new kitty.

I think I'll name him Mr. Bojangles.

thursday

My son gave me a new kitty today for Mother's Day.
It's a little ,black, male, kitty with faint brown strips.
He's a cute little guy and I'm happy to have him.
I'm thinking about naming him Dexter.

I balanced my checking account today,went to the doctor,  went on a picnic with boyfriend and took a nap.
That's it!

day 1 off of work

I woke this morning thinking about all I need to do while off of work. I could purge my bedroom and hallway closets. Clean my dresser, throw it away, refinish the antique dresser, get a new mirror for it and put it in  my bedroom after I clean my bedroom carpet.
Take all the crap I have stored in the downstairs closets upstairs to the extra bedroom. Hang the new curtains I bought for the extra room in the basement. Hang the new curtains I bought for the extra bedroom. Put up the baseboard in daughters bathroom. Hang the new shutters for the front of the house...................and on and on the list goes.
When I think about it all I feel overwhelmed and then just shut down. Nothing gets done.

I still feel anxious about being off of work. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I want to be excited. Mostly I just feel guilty.

I'm not depressed. I just need a cigarette and people aren't used to me speaking my mind. I've spent a lifetime perfecting the art of biting my tongue. That ended when I gave up smoking.
I'm not going to smoke again.

monday

I went to the doctor today.
He ordered me off of work for 8 weeks.
I have mixed feelings about taking time off. But
if it's what I need to do then so be it.
He, my doctor,  added a new medicine. Its called Deplin and is supposed to make the antidepressant be more effective. We'll see how it works!
I may or may not be depressed. I'm honestly not sure.
Part of me thinks I'm just so very burned out on nursing. Maybe that IS depression?
So anyway I went to work today and squared away everything with HR, talked a bit to my DON, and then went out to lunch with boyfriend.
I took a few hour nap, did some rock painting, chit chatted with daughter, test drove a car with boyfriend, watched TV.......and that's about it for my day!

sunday

So we had a special event going on at my work today. Department heads typically work M-F but today they were there............
My D.O.N. asked me how I liked my new assignment. Her question led to a conversation in her office..............part of what she said was this "over the past 6 months I've watched my very best nurse crumble. what is going on with you?"
I instantly felt resentful. I've been reaching out to her for months........she didn't hear me.........I know she's my boss and not a shrink..........but I listen to her shit, and the hr ladys shit......and anyones and eveyones shit..............and you know whaT? i ACTUALLY HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING TO ME!......................................
SO fuck her if she hasn't heard what I've said.
After some conversation, and crying on my part (my new past time while at work) we did agree that I would take a leave of abscence/the FMLA. I'll visit my doctor in a day or two.............
My DON recommended 4 weeks.......I'm shooting for 8 weeks.  ...............................................after that, who really knows.