tuesday

The youngest little guy in our family. He's my great nephew. He cracks me up!I think he looks like a little man!

Christmas present from boyfriend. It's beautiful in real life.  He hasn't mentioned rings for  months, so this is not something I expected!

busy week

cleaned dads house dec. 21 with help from 2 of my sisters. it was in pretty good shape before we started. so it didn't take too long. cleaning isn't so bad if you're doing it with two of your sisters, and horsing around while you do it!
 i went out on a limb and put a little lighted and decorated Christmas tree in dads living room. i wasn't sure how he'd receive it. i worried a little it might make him miss mom even more. but he was fine with it.

dec. 22 I had a stomach virus. boyfriend was sick from chemo. at one point we were both, at the same time, leaning over the front  porch railing vomiting into the grass below. it was disgusting!
 we spent the day and evening in  our misery.

dec. 24 the kids, their significant others and my dad came over for dinner. i made lasagna and salad. it was in the mid 60's and sunny so we were able to sit on the deck until the sun went down. it was nice!
 we exchanged gifts and then  watched football and chit chatted. it was a good afternoon/evening.

Christmas morning was nice and quiet.
boyfriend and i sat on the floor in front of the tree and exchanged gifts.......it was very pleasant. then he napped while i made the potato salad and fruit salad to take to dads for Christmas. spent the afternoon and evening at dads with boyfriend, my sisters, their spouses and all of our children and our children's children. it was loud, busy, and energetic. lots of laughter, bad jokes, hugging, and sharing..................towards the end of the evening we looked through pictures of mom and dad from when they were living half the year in the keys.......and we shared stories about mom.......most of the stories made us laugh. she was a character.....and an awesome one at that!

At some point between Christmas Eve and Christmas night I got a note/call from each of my three children. Each one expressing gratitude .............makes me smile.......and of course I'm so grateful for each of them....I adore and love them.........
Merry Christmas, Happy New year!

Monday

I've been cleaning, doing laundry, and Christmas shopping. Everything is finished except a load of laundry in the wash and in the dryer. I also have to buy 3 gift cards and then wrap gifts! Feels good to be ahead of schedule.

Boyfriend starts round 2 of chemo therapy tomorrow. The oncologist postponed it last week because boyfriend wasn't well enough.
He was feeling pretty good today........ went to the grocery store and to the shoe store with me .... he was playful and silly........felt good to see him this way again!

Wed I'm going to daughters' house to bake Christmas cookies. We're both looking forward to it!

tuesday

 Billy I know you don't like when I talk about my mom. So you may not want to read this post!

It's been almost a month since I left work. You'd think my house would be clean and organized. It's not! Far from it! I'm surrounded by dust and clutter.

I did find it in me to put up my Christmas tree last night..............and then I hated it. I just wanted to drag it outside and leave it on the curb for the garbage man..................and then I missed my mom............and remembered how on that last Christmas together I hugged her and told her I loved her before leaving her house........and when I got to my car realized I'd left my glasses on her counter....so I went back in her house, hugged her tight and told her again I loved her. She wanted me to spend the night that night........I'd been caring for her for months. She depended on  me. She felt less anxious when I was with her. I had been up for days it seemed, and I was getting sick.Mom fell 3 days before Christmas. I found her on the bathroom floor. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. She thought she was in the bed. Instead she was on the cold hard bathroom floor. Dad was knocked out on the sofa with Bronchitis. He didn't know she was on the floor. She told me that day she was dying.  "I'm dying, Sandy." That's what she said. I knew she was.... But when she said it I  cried. I looked at her and cried. I couldn't find any words. I wish I would have reassured her, or asked her if she was scared.......I wish I had said something, anything. But all I could do was cry...... So my mom redirected the conversation.....She did not want to go to the hospital when I asked. She said she just wanted to be home to have a beautiful Christmas with her family.
 I had my oldest sister spend the night with mom on Christmas night. I just couldn't do it. I could see the disappointment on moms face. She wanted me there. I was sick.  I got home that night and began with severe chills, fever, runny nose and cough.......and for 48 hours I was out of commission. I tried to get up but just couldn't do it.
I missed those two days with my mom. I'm OK with it except

 I'm not sure she knows why I wasn't there............it wasn't like I just had a simple cold. I literally couldn't stand........other wise I would have been there! I did spend the 28 and 29th with her.....stayed over on the 29th and she died the morning of the 30th. I was in bed with her.......as was 2 of my sisters.......dad and another sister was at the bedside. Just seconds before her last breath she smiled. I like to think that as she was leaving her body and looking down at herself, she smiled because she could see we were all there with her.................mom was opposed to Hospice, or any in house care from outside agencies. I knew hospice was coming to the house on the 26th to talk to and admit her. They'd come to her home to help with her care. Luckily I was sick and not there.............she was angry when they came but I'm sure she thought that when I got back to her, I would stop them from coming. I promised her I would never allow hospice to care for her. Unfortunately I made that promise before I knew that someday I would need their help.  For that reason I'm glad I was sick that day.She didn't know I knew they were coming......that's why I think she was thinking I'd fire them when I got back to her!...........we also had an at home nursing agency that would be coming 2 days a week I think. Their first day was on the 26th. The day after moms funeral my sisters and I were in the living room with dad at his and moms house.
The phone rang but we all ignored it..............the answering machine picked up the call..............it was the visiting nursing agency calling. They left a message asking mom to give them a second chance.
My sisters and I looked at each other and then laughed. I was so happy she fired them.....that even in the end while she was so sick she still had control over some things!
I just miss her, that's all.... I just miss her.

thursday

My cat, Mr. Bojangles disappeared 2 days ago.
Boyfriend said the raccoon's probably got him, or a car.
My heart was broken. The worse part was not knowing. Thinking about him out there somewhere
injured, cold, and slowly dying was heart breaking. All I wanted was for him to be back home.
Last night I couldn't sleep. At 3 AM
I wrapped up in a blanket and went to my front porch.I was hoping kitty would be there! Boyfriend joined me.
We heard a meow that sounded muffled and far away. It was coming from my neighbors garage.. So I walked over to their driveway and called for kitty. There was definitely a cat in there meowing back at me. They have a couple cats but I just knew this was my cat crying out, scratching even on the garage door. So I stayed on our front porch until 7 am when I knew the boy next door would be leaving to walk to school. He came out the front door at 7:04.
I told him I thought my cat was in his garage, and asked him to check his garage for me. He reported that he already checked his garage yesterday when he heard that my cat was missing. I'd already decided I was going to call the police if they wouldn't check their garage. But fortunately he reluctantly agreed to check again. Tucked away in the far corner of their basement area I could hear kitty crying........he was hiding behind a large pile of stuff but came out when I called him.
I was so happy I could barely contain myself!..............................Mr Bojangles ran to our front porch and then into the house when I opened the door.
I just look at him and feel such relief that he is OK, and such happiness that he is safe and home.

Boyfriend is doing so/so. He had 11 days of nausea and vomiting and sleeping most of the time. Then he accidently double dosed his medications and passed out on the living room floor. I called 911......went to the ER where boyfriend then remembered taking his medications twice. They ended up keeping him over night to keep an eye on him and to re hydrate him. It's his week off of chemo so he's doing a little better. But right now he's not sure he wants to continue the chemotherapy. So we will see...........

Yesterday was daughter's off day. She came over and we hung out.........watched a movie and had dinner together.
It was nice.

Boyfriend wants to pass out 20 one hundred dollar bills to strangers over the holiday season. It's on our bucket list. So we're going to the bank today then coming home to fill the money holders. I won't tell anyone about it other than on here!
We'll see how people react.....looking forward to it!

monday

Cooked boyfriend french toast and  sausage this morning for breakfast. He had an appetite. I encourage him to eat when he isn't nauseous. I don't want him to lose lots of weight.

So we submitted an offer on that house. They countered, dropping the asking price 15 grand. Twenty grand still separates us and I just put in our final offer.
 It's probably not going to happen! I'll be happy no matter how it turns out!

I've had the cats on a diet for almost a month.
I can't tell if they've lost weight or not. They are sleeping better and Weeping seems to have a little extra pep in her walk. So I think it's been helpful.

I'm listening to Faith Hills Christmas CD. It makes me miss my mom.

My daughter-in-law, my daughter and I made Christmas wreaths night before last. We listened to Christmas music and had hot chocolate while we worked.
Then we had face book and boyfriend pick the one they thought was prettiest.
Boyfriend picked daughters. Facebook picked mine. lol. I felt bad for daughter-in-law! I thought hers was the cutest!
We had fun!

My two grown sons, daughter, daughter-in-law to be and daughters' boyfriend are coming for Thanksgiving dinner. So is my dad and I think my younger sister and her husband are coming. She called last night and asked if they could come...................and of course they are welcome to come......so I'm looking forward to it.
The turkey is in the fridge thawing. It's huge!
I love when all my children are here at the same time. They will banter the whole time...............and then my dad will have a mental list of new jokes, and jokes he's been telling for years.....so he will tell his jokes and sons, especially middle son will crack up laughing... encouraging dad.
 I can still see my mom rolling her eyes at dad when he tells his jokes.

friday

Went to the doctor yesterday to have my eye checked. She said it's most likely a cyst. She's sending me to another doctor, one who deals specifically with surgeries of the eye. It's what my family doctor told me to do in the first place. :O) She was very nice........ didn't charge me for the visit.

We put an offer in on a house today.
The house is a hot mess and it's way over priced.
I love its potential!
Our offer is way way off the asking price. All they can do is say no,  counter, or not!

Boyfriend had his first chemotherapy treatment.
He's doing well!

sunday

Long story short I rescinded my resignation, am taking a leave of absence, and after 84 days off I can make the decision to come back full time, part time, or PRN (as needed. I pick the days I want to work if there's an opening that day.)
Ideally I wanted to keep my foot in the door. I wanted to stay on PRN. I was afraid to ask though because my fear of rejection was greater than my fear of walking away from my job. As luck would have it,  the opportunity to keep my foot in the door presented itself on my last day. I jumped on it! I promised the corporate administrator I wouldn't talk about the details. I was instructed to say I'm taking a non paid leave of absence. So there you have it! I won't talk about the details other than say I was truly touched by her kindness.

Wed. I go to the doctor, finally to have this cyst on my eye checked out........other things more pressing kept coming up and I'd have to reschedule........I'm a little worried it's something other than a cyst.....ever since boyfriend was diagnosed I worry about having cancer.......can't help myself.

Today I think I'll take down the Halloween decorations, and rake the backyard.
Boyfriend feels frustrated that he just doesn't have it in him to do the things he thinks he should be doing........I'm trying to stay ahead of things, like raking the yard, so that he doesn't think/worry about them getting done...........it's not a big deal to me,  I wish it wasn't for him!

tuesday

We napped a lot of yesterday then went to the grocery store and out for dinner yesterday evening. Then even later we took a drive. Drove past a few houses for sale. One was priced OK, the other, the one I liked the best, was way over priced! But it was a 60's ranch style home that probably hasn't been touched since it was built. The price needs to come down about 40 grand!

We go to the oncologist today.
I'm a little anxious to hear what he has to say.

Tomorrow is my last day of work.
I bought a small gift for the HR person. We've become friends over the years
and I just wanted to give her a little something.  I also got a little something for one of my nurse aids. Even though she's a big mouth,  a know it all, and a giant pain in my ass, I've known her for quite sometime and I guess she kinda grew on me!
I made the HR LADY PROMISE to not tell anyone I was leaving and to not dare plan a party. I told her my social anxiety would hate it if she did! Plus I'm just not very good at saying good-bye! I told her I  wanted to leave quietly. Hopefully she listened.

friday

I was leaving the Crestview Hall Town Center after doing some shopping with daughter day before yesterday when a woman backed into the rear side panel of my car. I haven't had it for a year  and this is the second time it's been wrecked!
 The woman claimed liability.
 So now I'm waiting on their claim adjuster to come to my house and check out the car. In the big scheme of things it's not really a huge deal. It's just a pain in the butt!
This car is not good news. It has a cloud hovering over it. I could feel it from day one.
 I want to trade it in for a different one!

I have 3 more days to work and then I begin my 1 year vacation! I'm very much looking forward to it!

I'm sitting on my bed typing. Mr. Bojangles is next to me with his head and front paws resting on my thigh. He's so darn cute.

Boyfriend is doing OK except for pain in his left shoulder and some fatigue......and he has a urinary tract infection from that Foley catheter he had in the hosp..........but overall he is doing good. We start seeing the oncologist next week.........guessing chemo will start in a couple weeks. I think he's going to be just fine.
 The odds are in his favor.

sunday

Friday morning I announced my two week notice at my job!
I'm going to take that year off I'm always talking about but never doing. I can't think of a better time than right now!
My hands were shaking when I put my resignation letter in the 3 mail boxes I needed to put them in.....I almost chickened out.................and then throughout the day I had moments of regret.........I've been employed since I was 15. To not work is scary for me. I worry about all of the what ifs! The biggest one being health insurance. My Cobra is good for 18 months. So while I had moments of worry and regret, mostly I feel excited and happy about my decision........
 Soon before mom passed away  I was talking to her about a decision I was wrestling with.........she said life is short, to go for it. So while I was wrestling with the decision to quit for a year, I kept hearing her say "Life is short. Go for it!"
I  worry about boyfriend. I'd like to spend a lot more time with him........forever.......but who knows how much time any of us have......    So
I'm going for it...........one year off......maybe a little longer!
And then Billy you said something a little while back about new experiences.............it struck a cord with me. I've lived a pretty sheltered life...... And I've played it safe most of the time.......well I want new experiences.............we're making a list boyfriend and I......of what we want to see, where we wanna go.......the trip there will be half the fun and filled with unplanned experiences..............unfortunately we have to do chemo and radiation first...............our eyes and minds though will be on our list .........and then finally we will go!
My last day of work is the 13th!

I was summoned for jury duty. Haven't done that before!
I don't have to report until Jan. 5th. We'll see!

sunday

Boyfriend had surgery Wed.
He's now minus 1 lung lobe.
The surgery almost didn't happen
because of so much congestion but the anesthesiologist
talked the surgeon into proceeding. I'm so grateful he did.
The surgeon is young and probably not so used to seeing some of the stuff
the anesthesiologist has seen...............he even told me that at one point during surgery
when the good lung did not inflate he had a moment when he freaked and thought he
had maybe screwed up.
But in the end all went well.
They kept boyfriend in the recovery room until the next afternoon (I spent the night with him in recovery).
Now they have him in cardiac care.
Today they plan on removing his Foley catheter, epidural, and hopefully
the chest tubes.
I've had him up walking since the day after surgery and doing deep breathing and coughing exercises..
They do a chest xray each morning to check for pneumonia. So far so good!
He says he'll never smoke again and can't believe how much denial he was in all those years of smoking.
He's very emotional, and grateful to have a second chance.

sunday

After even more delays surgery is set for Wed.

Boyfriend and I went out for breakfast today then took a ride out in the country. It was relaxing and gave us a chance to talk without interruption.
We had a nice time.


I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen when we got home, and I dusted then vacuumed.
I also packed boyfriends clothing that he will need to wear when he comes home from the hospital.

I washed my scrubs, and the rest of the dirty laundry, folded/hung them and put them away.

We had a candle light dinner in the dining room, boyfriend and I.
 I cooked some pork chops, mac-n-cheese, cauliflower and broccoli.
Neither one of us had much of an appetite after all.
So I baked some pumpkin and macadamia cookies. We each had two of those with an 8 oz
chilled old fashioned bottle of coke. It was the perfect dinner!

The kitties are in for the night. Mr. Bojangles is in our bedroom and Weeping is napping on the dining room chair.

saturday

So because of  abnormal lab values boyfriend could not get clearance for the lobectomy. They did however go ahead and biopsy the two new areas. Both were negative! My understanding, according to one of the doctors is that boyfriend has an 80% chance of survival if the cancer is removed before it has metastasized. So far so good! The lobectomy has been rescheduled for this Wed..

His family left this Friday morning.

We had a nice time with them.

His brother is a funny man. I had fun getting to know him better.

We have no medical appointments this weekend.

We've had medical appointments, including two surgeries almost daily for the past 6 weeks.

It's been exhausting to say the least!

We're both going to quit smoking Monday. 

Today we're going to get some nicotine patches and whatever else we think might help us to be successful in quitting.

If all goes well the plan is for me to quit work for 12 or 18 months this coming April and for us to do some traveling.  That's the plan. We shall see.

tuesday

Boyfriends family arrived Friday.
It's been non stop activity and some chaos.
Surgeries and procedures have been scheduled and then  canceled
due mostly to insurance denying this or that.........it's been stressful.
I think everything is set in stone again. Today an angiogram and then tomorrow
is surgery day.
The plan is for the surgeon to go through boyfriends trachea and down to the right lobe
then search behind a bunch of blood vessels for a lymph node that was suspicious on the pet scan and biopsy it. If biopsy is negative he will biopsy the nodule in the lower lobe. If that is negative he will proceed and remove the left upper lobe. If the areas are positive they will stop the surgery, send boyfriend home and begin chemo.
His only chance for survival is if they remove the left upper lobe.......

thurs.

So they started building the retaining wall yesterday. First they had to remove two over grown and ugly hedges and then they had to remove part of the hill. They also dug out a flower bed for me and they cleaned up my tall grasses. So far it looks good. I'm guessing they'll complete the project today!

I parted ways with the kitchen guy yesterday.
I had signed the proposal and gave him 50% down payment.
He sent me an email yesterday morning raising the price 3500 bucks.
The price had already been agreed upon.............I told his assistant forget it. I wasn't paying a dime more than the price we agreed on, and I refused to change the materials I'd already chosen to the cheap crap he was pushing on me. I called my bank and put a stop on the check I'd given him.....and told the assistant I could no longer work with them.

I cleaned my carpets yesterday.
It's the only thing around the house I got done.
I have so much to do, and so little time to do it!

Today we have to go to the grocery so that we have food here for our company.
I also need to clean my car.
We see the thoracic surgeon today......and at some point I have to clean this house and get caught up on laundry!

wed

I'm off work the next three days.
I have a doctor appointment this morning.
I have a very small cyst on the inner corner of
my eye.
Mostly I just want to make sure it's not cancer.
My family doctor said it wasn't, but still.........so I'll have
this surgeon check it out, and see about having it removed.

The people are coming to build the new retaining wall in the front yard today.
They couldn't do it last week because of the rain. They're also going to put in a few
hedges and plants.
I'm excited to see the finished product!

We've been so busy with doctor appointments, and of course me working
that I'm behind on house work.
I have to get the house clean today. Three more days till boyfriends family arrives!

Boyfriends lung doctor called Monday.
Sounds like he will have surgery. She said it's his best chance for
a cure. Those were her words "cure."
She also said "doctor B says he biopsied the hell out of you and could find no other cancer."
We see the thoracic surgeon Thursday. Hopefully he agrees.
Boyfriend is on the fence about surgery. He's sure he will die.
The doctor said that with chemo alone he has a 20% chance of surviving
5 years.
I told him he has to have surgery.

sunday

We both got out of bed at 3:30 this morning.
We just couldn't sleep anymore. I got up and made boyfriend
a cup of coffee, filled the cats bowls, then let them outside.
They didn't have to wake me today!
We-Ping, my oldest kitty is limping.
We noticed it last night. She seemed to be doing a little
better this morning.
I'll take her to the doctor tomorrow if she hasn't improved even more
by then.

I meant to start with house cleaning yesterday afternoon but oldest son and his wife
to be stopped over and ended up staying for a few hours.
We talked wedding plans. I like what they have planned so far! I love talking about it
with them!

I have to do some cleaning today.
I only have a few more days before his family arrives and the house
is a mess.

saturday

I signed off on the kitchen proposal and gave the guy a check.
I really don't care to much about getting a new kitchen. Especially not now with all that's going on....
but
boyfriend wants me to have my new kitchen. Probably wants me to quit talking about doing it, and just do it. He thinks I'm afraid to spend money, that I wont spend it on myself. It's a conversation we have over and over. He's a spender. I'm not. I joke and tell him he'd be one of those lottery winners that go broke. He tells me they'll find millions in my mattress when I die.  But anyway......
 I'm just going to do it......get my new kitchen..&...quit talking about it.

We talked a little today about boyfriend dying. He brought it up. Said his biggest concern is the thought of  me coming home, especially when it's dark, to an empty house and me being afraid. Or me not sleeping at night because I'm afraid of an intruder. Because he's knows I am afraid when I'm home alone at night.
It's truly, really bothering him.
I don't want him worrying right now about such a thing.
So we talked about it. We talked about new and improved locks for different doors in the house..........and I told him I'd get a really large dog if ever he died. I could tell he liked the idea but wasn't totally convinced until I told him if ever a day came that we knew he was terminal, he and I would go together and pick out a dog. That way he could meet the dog who would keep me safe.
He didn't agree or disagree, but I could tell he was feeling better......

thursday

I have Swedish meatballs in the pot cooking for dinner tonight. They smell great!
And I have a loaf of  bread baking in the oven. It also smells  good!

Went shopping today with sister and boyfriend. We had an OK time hanging out. I bought a pretty fall table cloth and a new pair of pants and new shirt for both daughter and I. They're cute! After we left TJ Max we went to the grocery store. Each of us needed something from there. SO we did that, dropped sister off then went home. Boyfriend and I got into pajamas and bed and spent the afternoon  under our warm soft blankets  watching a movie.

We go to the thoracic surgeon on the 8th. They did find new areas in the chest with the PET scan. I guess we didn't get all the info on the My Chart copy. Big regret looking at those results.
The hosp. board will discuss boyfriends case at the end of the week. The pulmonary doctor will call us Monday with their recommendation........at least I think that's what they do, make a rec............

Boyfriends sister, brother, and sister-in-law are visiting from Colorado next week. I look forward to seeing them but not looking forward to getting the house ready for their visit.

friday

We didn't have to wait until next Tuesday for the PET Scan results.
The doctor released them to boyfriends computer chart.
His head, neck, abdomen, and pelvis were clear. In addition to the mass in his
left lung they found a small nodule in his right lung. It may or may not be malignant.
We are happy with the results. Relieved the cancer hasn't spread from the chest. So we'll see the doctor Tuesday to get more info. and a game plan. We're hopeful!

tuesday

The PET SCAN was rescheduled for Wed.
Long story short, it just was.................so we're still in hold mode.

I signed off on the kitchen re-do proposal.
It's probably the worse possible time to do it but boyfriend didn't want me to put it off again.
We found a contractor we really like. That, in and of itself was no easy feat. So I'm going with it.

I paid my car off.
I'm not in love with it. I thought I was, but I'm not.
It is good on gas.
Son says it will live forever.
Maybe in ten years I will like it.
Maybe I won't keep it that long.
I just don't know.
Life is short.
Someday I'm gonna buy an old used Jaguar.
I love me some Jag!

Today we're gonna go out and have some fun.
Boyfriend wants to soak up this beautiful fall like day.
I do too!

saturday

I'm off work for the next 7 days.
Monday is the PET Scan, Tuesday back to the doctor.
The biopsy confirmed the cancer.
It's non-small cell. That's supposed to be a good thing. They couldn't confirm
cancer in the trachea or rule it out. Our hope is the PET Scan will show that the cancer is only in the lung.
So we are in hold mode until Tuesday..........just trying  not to speculate/fortune tell.

Boyfriend began getting angry last night. I've been angry since the day we went to the emergency room. Wanted to scream, wanted to throw dishes. Wanted to scream every time someone would talk about the power of prayer. Pissed me off every time his family told him about someone elses cancer story.
There was comfort for me some how in him expressing his anger. I've tried to swallow mine for fear of upsetting him. Probably wont anymore. I have a chronic stomach ache.......hurts clear through to my back.

thursday

I'm off of work today.
We talked last night when I got home from work
about plans for today.
The plan was to get up this morning, shower, put on pajamas,
and hang around the house!
I have to call the landscaper, find out if she took off with my money.........
I need to sign the kitchen proposal and send them a check, and I need to pay the sanitation bill.
I'm also going to make a pot of homemade vegetable soup and some corn bread, and then work on a painting.
It should be a quiet day.
I'm looking forward to it!

monday

I worked the weekend.
It was quiet for the most part.
They redivided the work load a few weeks ago.
The division mostly affected my assignment
in that I have fewer patients.
I'm grateful.

Boyfriend and I have decided to try our best
to stay in the here and now, best as we can, while navigating through
life with lung cancer.
However we did plan and pay for his funeral last week, added beneficiaries to different accounts, and today we are
signing Living Will papers.
Tomorrow he will go into the hospital for a biopsy of the lung mass, and inflamed areas
in his trachea.

A couple of days before boyfriend was diagnosed I paid a landscaper a portion of money for a retaining wall to be built in my front wall, and for some plants and hedges to be planted.
I haven't heard from them since.
I try to deal with that today.

friday

I took boyfriend to the emergency room very early yesterday morning because he was having pretty bad pain when he took a breath.
They did their tests.............and just like that our whole world was turned upside down...........lung cancer...................fast growing mass in his left lung...............................we held each other in the little cubicle in the ER and we cried. Then we went home, held each other, and cried.
Boyfriend just keeps saying how grateful he is for the life that he has had, that he has had a great one. Then he cries when he worries out loud about leaving me behind.
I reassure him.
I'm so incredibly sad, and scared. All of our plans, all of our dreams, life as we know it.......gone.
My stomach and my heart aches....................

motorcycles

It was back to work today for me.
It wasn't too bad!
One of the other nurses asked me if she could work Labor Day for
me.
Um......YES. As long as we can get it ok'd by the powers that be. Whether or not they OK it will depend on their mood when we ask. So we shall see!

So if I won the lottery I'd probably buy a houseboat.
I think it would be cool to live on one part time.

Oldest son bought a motorcycle.
I hate that he did, and I told him I hated it.........told him it's a coffin on wheels.
I wish he'd sell it and get a boat instead!

empty nester

This is my last day of  11 days off of work.
The time off has been wonderful.
I wish i didn't have to go back!

Daughter moved out and into her first apartment. I knew she was planning on moving out in December. She ended up leaving earlier than I expected. She kind of snuck away. I don't think she knew how to say good-bye. I know I would have had a very difficult time doing it.
Of course I miss her, and worry about her.
Luckily she lives close by and luckily she lives next door to my
sister. So help is just next door or a phone call away if she needs it!

I guess I'm an empty nester. If you don't count my kitties.
I think I was prepared for it.
I worry a little. Mostly I question whether or not I was a good parent to her.......and gave her what she needed as she was growing up. I sure hope so!
If anything, I know she knows how much I love her.

friday

I went to my grandma's graveside funeral yesterday.
It didn't happen though because the truck transporting the grave vault
wrecked on the interstate and the vault was damaged.
 We will try again Saturday.
We, my sisters and I stuck around the cemetery with moms sister, our Aunt.
It's an old country cemetery. My aunt took us to many of our relatives graves and told us what she knew about each of them.
It was interesting. One of my great grandmothers x4 i think was walked out of the state and to Michigan by people who did not want her here because she was an Indian. while in Michigan she met my grandfather. he married her and brought her back to KY.........:O)
My great uncle Dave is buried there.
His headstone read "father
                                  grandfather
                                 teacher
                                 coach
                                  poet"
the poet part made me smile.
I didn't know him very well. But I remember liking him.
I  remember visiting his home in Florida when I was a child. I believe he loved to cook. I remember him making a big production of preparing turtle soup and oyster soup.
It was his work of art for that moment! I remember him being loud, jovial, and very social. What I didn't know until yesterday
was he went through deep bouts of excruciating depression after his son was murdered and was treated with electro shock therapy.  Sad.

So anyway, I was supposed to return to work from my vacation this Saturday. I decided to take
the weekend off to attend the funeral, and spend time with my moms family.

thursday

Boyfriend and I spent the last several days in the Smokey Mountains.
We had a little cabin that was isolated in the woods.
When we reserved the place I told the lady I was afraid of heights, even more so
of narrow country roads with cliff like drop offs on the sides of those narrow country roads.
She assured me the cabin she was giving us was not high up the mountain........... SHE LIED!
Somehow I survived! But with lots of anxiety each time we left the cabin to go into town, or on the was back from town. The climb was very steep, the roads narrow with sharp turns, and the side of the road overlooking 20, 30 story drop offs. I hated it. I'd have to close my eyes each time we made the drive, and make my boyfriend promise to not get us killed. Luckily boyfriend was understanding, reassuring, and patient with me.
The cabin was beautiful. It had a large deck that overlooked the mountains, with a hot tub. It was peaceful and quiet. Not a soul was around.
We grilled steaks, relaxed in the hot tub, and watched for bears. And then some of the time we'd crank the stereo up, have a beer, and jammed like we were in our twenties! ( I can see my kids rolling their eyes at me.) Because some of the time you just have to let go!
While in the Smokey's we drove through Cades Cove. Cades Cove - Great Smoky Mountains National Park (U.S. National Park Service)   It's so stunningly beautiful...............I'm always awe-struck when I visit!
On the way home from our little trip we stopped at the Museum of Appalachia.

Museum of Appalachia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
It was awesome!
You need a whole day to see it all. It doesn't disappoint!





Ms. Me: grandma
Grandma passed away this past Tuesday.

saturday

I have the next 7 days off of work. I'm very grateful for the time off!
This evening I will celebrate daughters' birthday with her. It will just be the two of us
watching movies, munching on popcorn, and chit chatting! It was her idea. She wanted some alone time with mom. I'm always happy to spend time with my adult children! I'm a dork that way!

I made a Key Lime cake a year ago that daughter loved. She's asked about it a couple of times at family gatherings, and why I didn't bring one. So I'm going to make one for her for her birthday cake....AND I bought her the free standing mirror and a nice bottle of perfume. It's hard to afford nice bottles of perfume(the cheap crap should not be allowed. it can be offensive!) when you're young and just starting out on your own. So yeah, it's what I bought for her......

I have a patient, a  young man who is the most self centered, self absorbed person I've ever known. He's miserable.
His mom and sister asked me for ideas on what they could buy him for his birthday.
...........I think we should all have something or someone to take care of other than just ourselves.........it just makes you feel better.........it's good for the soul......... I suggested they get him a high maintenance plant or a fish.... or both.........he could have either of those things at the nursing home...

HAPPY 9th BIRTHDAY, little lady!

monday

I worked a couple 12 hour shifts this past weekend.
At about hour 10 of my 12 hour shifts I start to get irritable
and my motivation starts to go out the window!

I have a few errands to run today including going to the bank, talking to my home owners insurance agent, and shopping for daughters birthday gift. She has been wanting a free standing mirror........I found some at Home Goods for a really good price........so I'll head out there today!

Boyfriend hired a lawn service to mow and edge our yard each week. He doesn't want to do it any more and doesn't want me to do it.
That's fine.....

There's a little boy who lives across the street from me. I'd say he's 3 or 4 years old. His father is Mexican . The little boy has dark skin and is very little. He's the cutest little thing. He sits for hours each day on the grass next to their side porch, digs into the dirt and plays with his toy cars. I worry about him some of the time because he is out there alone. It could be though that his mother is directly inside sitting at the window that over looks the porch. Some of the time I watch him play from my front porch........just to keep an eye on him.....make sure he doesn't wonder out to the street.
Well the other day while at the store I found a box of  toy bucket and digger trucks. I bought them for this little boy. I'm looking forward to seeing him play with them today!

friday

Oldest son asked if he could take some something from my backyard to grow in his yard. I told him he could after he filled the holes he left in my front yard when he took some of my tall grasses. ( I was pissed when I noticed those holes!) So he came last evening and filled the holes, and took whatever it was that he wanted from my backyard! Him and his wife to be stayed and chit chatted with me and boyfriend for awhile.

They've decided to marry in August of next year, outside.

I reminded them how hot and humid August usually is around here and how uncomfortable that can be, especially for old people. I also reminded them how mosquito's love the humidity and biting people. But they are stead fast in the date that they have picked! I pleaded with them to change the date to early October. They wouldn't budge. So whatever.....annoys me! 

So my closest friend is a girl I work with.

While my mom was sick the last 18 months of her life, and while I was 

doing 16 hour days most days working and helping to care for my mom, friend would ask how my mom was doing.

Some of the time I'd actually want to tell her.....................but after she'd ask she'd  doze off(I don't know why she does that......wonder if she takes drugs of some kind........cause realistically could someone be so sleep deprived all of the time that they fall asleep everyday at work?) She doesn't have a condition/disease that causes it, cause I've asked.

So She'd ask, fall asleep, and I wouldn't answer. Who likes talking to a sleeping person? And what's the point.

Some of the time I really could have used a friend.

But I've learned that with her I can't really talk . Cause nothing says I really don't care like falling asleep in a persons face when they have something important they are trying to share. 

(I know I'm not explaining it right on here)......................................so now her mother is ill.........not dying............but apparently BFF called in to work Tuesday because her mom needed to go to the doctor,and needed BFF to take her.
So she called me because she is worried about having called in, and worried about her mom.
I offered emotional support to her about the calling in part but could not bring myself to ask whats wrong with her mom, or how her mother is doing.
I found that I feel resentment and anger towards my friend.
 When I have something really good that's happening in my life. or something devastating going on in my life, she falls asleep, or picks up her phone..........and yet she can go on and on and on talking about her stuff......................and I listen and ask questions......and am genuinely happy for her when something good is happening for her........and wish only good things for her...........................................................................................................
mostly I'm a private person.......I don't go on and on about my stuff........................maybe i do on here cause this is my outlet................but i don't burden other people with my stuff in real life, except with boyfriend............................................................however, there have been times when I've been exhausted and maybe in pain, or filled with worry and would have liked to share with her.......like right after my mom died and dad's prostate caner was back, and i told her.......................her angry toned response " everybody has that! no body dies from that anymore!"  nothing says shut up, like her response did! it stung!...................if you can't share the best of things, or the worst of things with your BFF, then they're not your BFF!
and besides, when you and your BFF follow each other up the interstate home from work, and your car slowly begins puttering to a stop and you frantically wave your friend over and she pauses just long enough to see you pulled over then drives off leaving you broke down and alone.....................I mean who does that and sleeps at night?!
I'm over it!

wed.

We had an awesome time last night.
I debated back and forth yesterday between having
my party outside or inside.
The weather ended up being warm and sunny with very low humidity
so I ended up having the whole thing outside.
I set 25 of my paintings out on the deck. They looked good! And all the food and meat trays turned out really nice.
I put the birthday cake on my cake plate that I bought at the antique flea market. It looked so pretty!
Everyone showed up.................we talked about the recent republican candidates debate, Ferguson and some of the other more recent shootings, Cosby,Trump, most of my nephew's and nieces, and of course mom!....&..they enjoyed looking and laughing at my paintings........during the party two fawn showed up on my hill to eat the clover. I'm glad they did. They were so cute.
It was an enjoyable night!
Boy friend took off just before the party began.
He ran a few errands and then went to the gambling boat.
He won a couple grand.
I drove my oldest sister home after the party, and then met
boyfriend here after midnight.
We sat together on the deck to watch the meteor shower.
We didn't see any!

Dad made  a little collage
of pictures of mom for each of us.
The one of her in the striped dress
is my favorite.
I like her little mouth
and dark curly hair........and the very last picture
is of her in the dress she was wearing when
her and dad married.........I'd never seen it before, so of course I love that I now have a picture of her wearing it!

tuesday

If I won the lottery I'd replace the cheap plastic cereal bowls I use for the kitties feed bowls.

I know there are 9 million more exciting ways to spend money,but still, this is something I would do!

My art exhibit/ a celebration to honor mom is tomorrow evening.

I didn't want to cook so I've ordered a meat and cheese tray, a fruit platter, and devil eggs.

I'm making a cucumber salad, a condiment tray, and a birthday cake. I'm trying to keep it simple!

I still need to clean, organize the art work, wrap gifts, and do a run to the grocery store. I've had 3 days to do these things, and have done nothing. I work best when the pressure is on!

Boyfriend just asked me out for breakfast.

I wouldn't go if I didn't need to get to the grocery store.So we'll have breakfast then go to the store.

I went shopping at Tuesday Mornings the other day. 

They have great prices on home goods and they get new stock on Tuesdays.

I bought the kitties new stainless steel feeding and water bowls. They're wider than their old bowls giving them room to accommodate their whiskers. I think they like them!

friday

Today was my student nurses last day to work with me.
She's going to be a good nurse I think. But she's going to have to focus  on the task
at hand and pick up the pace. I think she will when she has to........
I bought her some bandage scissors and some soothing foot spray (she's going to need it!) because it's customary to give our students a gift on their last day......plus I liked her and wanted to give her something!

Today was my last day for 7 days. Yay!
When I wake up tomorrow morning I will think "This is the best day ever!" Because I will be looking at that day and the following 6 days off. It's a great feeling!

I was talking to another nurse today at work about all the different languages he speaks. I think it's about 6. I asked him what language he speaks in his dreams. He said it depends on what and who he is dreaming about. So another nurse who is fluent in french said she sometimes thinks in french. I told her I some of the time think in 4 letter words.

Yesterday was middle sons birthday.
He makes me smile cause he's intense, and smart, and funny, and has a huge heart.
Boyfriend and I met him for lunch yesterday. I gave him a gift and made him a carrot cake. It was a nice time. I love the little stink!

monday

When I came in from work last night Mr. Bojangles met me at the front door and then followed me into the bedroom. He jumped up on the table that sits next to my bed. His back was to me. I bent over and kissed him on the top of his held. He tilted his head up and back and licked me on the nose. Then he hooked my wrist with his paw and licked the inside of my wrist. It was the cutest display of affection. Made my heart melt, corny as it sounds.

I have to work two more days this week then I have a week off .
I'm very much looking forward to the time away from work.
My back is tired and I'm a little burned out.
I don't think I'd have made it through the past couple of weeks
without my student nurse.

friday

Son stopped by last night. He called to say he bought me something and wanted to drop it off ......... he bought me a cool white owl. It's made out of concrete I guess, Weighs about 40 pounds. I have him sitting on the front porch. Love it! It's cool.

Boyfriend asked me if  I'd go with him to look at rings yesterday. I told him I'd look but I also told him I didn't want him to buy anything. So look we did! I found a beautiful vintage looking diamond engagement ring. It was so gorgeous.

 I asked boyfriend, pleaded with him really to not go back and get that ring. Told him I'd be miserable if he spent/wasted that much money on a ring for me.

A 4 year old girl was accidentally shot in the head last evening in Cincinnati in a drive by shooting. Does her life matter.? Will there be protests?

Do black lives only matter when it's a white person who takes one?

thursday

So the Cincinnati cop who shot the guy he pulled over for not having a front license plate was indicted.
I felt a little guilty when I saw the footage from the body cam that the cop was wearing.
Before seeing the footage I was certain the guy who had been shot probably was to blame. He's had 75 previous charges against him in Hamilton Co, has 20 children, and was unemployed. So without the body cam, and given the victims previous life choices, I'd have taken the cops word for what happened.  For that I am sorry........

Mean while, 2 ,
young black men were shot in separate incidents last night in Cincinnati. The night before that too. ......and so many other nights..................no big news stories about those incidents, no public out cry from their communities or from any other community. No nothing from Al Sharpton. NOTHING. Do black lives only matter when it's a cop who takes one?

The garage door opener guy is coming this morning. My opener opens the door but isn't closing the door.
The system looks brand new but it's   24 years old. Maybe a wire is loose or dry rotted. I just don't know. Hopefully it's a simple fix.

wed

The kitchen people are coming this morning to measure the kitchen.
When they leave I'm going to go look at hot tubs.
I'd like to have one......love them........not sure the cost.....or if i want to afford one.......will find out today!

The grand jury is deliberating today in Cincinnati deciding if a cop should be indicted
for shooting and killing a black guy who was pulled over for not having a front license plate.
The trouble making thugs (Obama had it right) are anxiously waiting for an excuse to destruct.

sunday

The cats got me out of bed early.
They wanted outside.
Once awake I can forget about going back to sleep.

Went out to supper last night with boyfriend.
We had baby back ribs, and we both had a beer. His alcohol free, me a bud light.

Bought some new dining room curtains.
I presently have sheers hanging. I like them because they allow for light to
come in..............but I don't like that people can see into the house when it's dark outside.........especially my neighbor who I think is a peeping tom.
So I bought new ones that will provide more privacy.
I think I'll hang them today.

I sent out invitations to my art exhibit/ a celebration of mom.
I need to decide how to display my paintings, what kind of food and drink to serve,
and anything to make it more fun and interesting.
Dad is putting together a collage for the event. I bought gifts to give to each of my sisters.
It should be fun!

thursday

Fired the kitchen people Tuesday.
They didn't return calls. Ever.
Things weren't moving along.
It was awful.
I went there in person Tuesday, fired them, and got my money back.
Decided to try a big box store.
Had an appointment there today.
It didn't go as well as I had hoped. It didn't help
that I went in there still pissed at the last place.
I'll keep one more appointment with them...........if things don't go
well I'm just going to put the whole thing  on the back burner for awhile.

I get some vacation time next month.
Boyfriend and I  plan on going out of town.
It's long overdue........I'm looking forward to it!

tuesday

Boyfriend bought a new car yesterday.
It's a GMC Terrain.
It's pretty blue with silver trim........and big!
He gave his Chevy Cruise, 5 years old to daughter. It only has 30,000 miles
on it.......it's clean and well maintained.
Daughter is thrilled!
I gave the Jaguar (Hyundai Sonata) the car daughter has been driving to oldest son and his wife to be. They needed a second car.
The Sonata is my favorite car I ever owned.
It's like that bunny that keeps running and running. Plus it's cute like a Jag.
So today I have to go to the DMV to change titles.

Boyfriend lost his cell phone a few days ago.
I didn't help him look for it cause I figured he'd find it in a day or two. He didn't.
So yesterday I had him retrace his foot steps.
Took me two minutes to find the phone in the freezer under a loaf of bread.
Cracked me up.
The phone was cold. We set it in front of a fan for an hour.
It's working just fine!

I bought a new purse yesterday,and some nice perfume. The lady at the perfume counter
gave me a few samples too. ( I love the free samples!)
If I won the lottery
one of the things I'd splurge on is
an expensive purse, and some nice perfume. Even if I felt guilty
spending money on those things!

monday

I worked the weekend.
It was easy.
The nursing student worked with me.
I had her do most of the physical stuff.
She's pretty good.........just needs to
pick up the pace and organize her time better.

I had dad and the kids over for dinner Friday night.
We celebrated, in part, the paying off of my mortgage.
It was a good time!

thursday

I bought my dad a new television yesterday.
The TV he had was one of those old thick televisions with  a
30 inch rounded screen.
It worked and I'm sure his thought was as long as it worked why spend the money on
a new one. Even when you can easily afford it. And I get it, cause I'm my father's daughter. ............and I pretty much think the same way.
But I just wanted to do something nice for him.
So I bought him a nice modern 50 inch TV, and while he was out
yesterday I set it up in his family room.
We put post it notes on each of the remotes, so he'd know what controlled what.........and then I put a big white bow on the TV.
Last night around 10 PM I got a call from him.
He said he'd been home for several hours.........sat on the deck reading, maybe even dozed a bit.............then went to the family room. He didn't notice the TV. He said he was sitting on the couch when he saw a note on the remote control................and he thought what the heck is this.............then he saw the other note.... .....finally he noticed the television.
Well he loved it!
He called me to tell me so, and to say thank you.
I thanked him for being a good dad, told him I loved him.
Today is his and moms 60th anniversary.
He's left love notes at the cemetery.
I'm never sure if I should read them.
But I do.
They're bitter sweet.
But anyway, happy anniversary mom and dad.
I'm grateful for you guys.

PS.......I made my last mortgage payment yesterday!

tuesday

I imagine that if I won the lottery I'd probably feel a little guilty for having that kind of money and a little afraid of relationships changing. I'd also be very grateful.........and I suppose it could be described as a spiritual experience. Who knows?

I worked a 12 hour shift today.
I asked HR if I could cut my schedule to 2 days a week. I'm tired.
She's going to check on it for me.

we went out to dinner and then over to Indiana with my son and daughter-in-law to be last night.
 We went to the old chili place on main street for 3 ways and cheese coney's. It was good! Then to the boat for gambling and to listen to an old rock and country rock band. the band was great! it took me back in time.......loved it.
i didn't win anything, but had fun trying!

the house is quiet this morning. I'm sitting on my bed in the dark listening to the thunder and watching the lightning light up my backyard, i love it!
\
i wonder if i won a million bucks would i be able to retire.
i guess health insurance would be my biggest obstacle.

saturday

Kitties had a vet appointment Thursday.
Mr. Bojangles was not going to participate.
Try as we did we could not get him in the carrier.
He hissed, clawed, and fought like a champ. Boyfriend yelled  at him.
I yelled at boyfriend for yelling at him.
Wee-Ping on the other hand allowed us to put her in the carrier.
She got her vaccine, flea treatment, and had her nails trimmed.
She was free of any flea dust and has lost a little over a pound.
She was so frightened while at the vet she laid on her side on the exam table
and became stiff as a board.......looked like rigor mortis had set in...............and she began drooling. Made me feel very sorry for her!
But she survived and is better off for it!
I'll give Mr. Bojangles a flea tx myself...............eventually we will get him to the vet for his vaccine!

tuesday

It's my off day from work.
The plan is to schedule the first inspection of our updated electrical and to get in touch with the lady helping me with my kitchen re-do. She's harder than heck to get a hold of.......

I'm waiting on another nurse to call me and let me know if she's going to work for me tomorrow. I want an extra day off. Keeping my fingers crossed that she says yes!
If she says yes then I need to call the girl I'm precepting and let her know not to come until Friday!

I also need to schedule a vet visit for Mr. Bojangles and Weeping. They're due for their feline leukemia vaccine and a flea treatment. Plus they both need their nails trimmed!

That's about all that's going on in my life!

friday

I bought

this dessert stand and plates at the antique store. I don't know if it's antique, and it really doesn't matter to me. I just thought it was pretty!

I was thinking about having an art exhibit, in jest, next month................a way to get the family together on moms birthday to celebrate her, and our love for her, together. 

thought i could exhibit my paintings, serve drinks and cheeses.

just an idea I'm tossing around in my head. i think it would be fun.

monday

Daughters boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter. I had them over for dinner last evening.
The little girl, cute as can be, kept calling Mr. Bojangles "mean kitty!" Every time Mr. Bojangles would walk by "MEAN KITTY!"
Daughter was cracking up cause she knows Mr Bojangles is my baby.
He is my baby. He isn't mean. He did hiss at the little girl though, twice.
I think he was afraid of her.

saturday

It's quiet here.
Boyfriend is still sleeping.
It's not like him. He's usually up by 4 or 5 and even though
he tries to be quiet, he's noisy in the mornings.
As soon as I wake up he puts on the TV.
I enjoy the quiet. Especially in the mornings.

The electrician is coming today to have a look at my fuse box and take note of
what we will need to update to a switcher box.....or whatever it's called.
We have most of what we will need.
Tomorrow he will convert the old fuse box.
Boyfriends son is an electrician. He said it should only take a few hours.
Looking forward to getting it done.

I cleaned my garage the other day.
It's a catch all and becomes this huge mess.
It looks really good right now and hopefully we
will keep it this way.

thursday

So I'm off work today.
The plan is to do a little yard work and clean the garage.
Lucky for me boyfriend cut the grass yesterday, and son
took about 50 used cans of paint and stain for me
from the garage and disposed of it.
Should only take a few hours
to complete both jobs.

The painter did a nice job on the basement stairway/walls.
They look fresh and clean.

I bought some smoke detectors the other day. You can probably get them for free at your local firehouse.
I had one outside daughters bedroom but knew I should have one in the basement and one on the main floor. Boyfriend kept removing the one on the main floor. It would go off when he'd cook. He'd take it down and eventually I couldn't find it. I think he threw it away.
They had some at Home Depot for 5 bucks. I bought a couple of them. Put one up on the main floor and will put one in the garage today.

Nursing students were at work yesterday.
They were a disorganized mess but still it helped to have them do a bunch of blood sugars and vital signs for me.
Their instructor asked me if I'd precept again.
With my work load being what it is, I'd be crazy not to.
So starting in July I'll have a nursing student with me.

monday

the kitchen guy is coming today to do measurements.
i'd like to gut the kitchen, re-do the whole thing............i'll have to wait to see the estimates
to determine what all i will have done.........i really have no idea what things cost.........so we will see.

i'm looking at a property today that is interesting. it sits on an acre, has 2 houses.......one house is
move in ready, the other a handy man special but not in terrible shape according to the pictures.........it's close to the city but on a very private lot...........dad did a drive by for me yesterday while I was at work. he said it was worth my time to have a look at it. so after the kitchen guy leaves i'm going to go look at that property.

and then there's another place........a house converted into a church......close to the city........sits on 3 acres.........large parking lot.............easily converted back to a house           great price considering where it is and the land that comes with it........wanna drive by it today.....look in the windows and such to see if its worth a look inside..........

weekend was crazy at work.
down a nurse.
i had 40 patients.
ridiculous,sad, and mostly impossible.
i have no respect left for the powers that be.

happy fathers day

I had a nice visit with my dad this evening.................stopped at his house on my way home from work. We sat together on his deck for a couple of hours and chit chatted.
It was good to talk to him, to see him, to spend time with him.
I have a good dad. I'm very lucky.
The pics above are of 3 of us girls with mom and dad.
Happy Father's Day.

saturday

On my way home from work American Pie came on the radio.
I sang along.
It reminds me of my high school drama class. Ms. M, our drama teacher played the song
in class one day. All of us were sitting on the stage as we listened to the song. She wanted us to feel the words. Most of the students in the class began crying. I didn't. So I felt out of place, questioned why I wasn't crying.......wondered if I was normal.
And then I thought, I guess I could act. I mean it was drama class. I could cry even though the song didn't really touch me in that kind of way. So I made myself cry. I wanted to fit in.............
 I wonder how many of them were faking it!
 Bunch of freaks. lol

Tomorrow is Fathers Day.
I found an old picture of me and my dad tossing an egg in the egg toss competition  at his companies picnic. I was 12 or 13.  I was very competitive as was my dad.
 We really, really, really wanted to win.
 And we did win!
It was a great moment for me. I hope it was for my dad too!
  Thinking about making a copy of the picture for my dad.

friday

Sons and future daughter-in-laws wedding plans have changed again.
They've decided against getting married in the Smokey Mountains with just parents and siblings.
That's all I know for now!
They're driving me batty!

The main floor bathroom looks pretty good.
The painter just needs to finish painting the bathroom closet, then the job will be complete. Except for my part. Which includes cleaning the room , buying new shower curtains, and maybe a picture to hang. It looks fresh. I'm not totally happy with the color, actually wish I could have him re paint in a different color. CRAP.  It's too 1970's swimming pool blue. I suppose I have to live with it till next time. I'm no good at this stuff. Hoping to tone it down a bit with the shower curtain!

wed.

I have a painter coming tomorrow to do some painting for me. I have 2 bathrooms, 1 bedroom, basement steps and stairway walls to be painted. He's also going to hang a new dining room light fixture.
I'm looking forward to him getting it all done!

Work is a nightmare.

I'm waiting to hear from the electrician (my nephew) who is going to update my electrical box......................I've put it off way too long........it worries me!

last but not least, the kitchen people are coming to measure my kitchen.........I'm doing a total rehab. it needs it!

wed.

i wanted to sneak in the cemetery this evening after work
so that i could be where my mom is but i was afraid to sneak
in by myself.

i move to a new assignment at work this week.
part of me doesn't care because i feel that one assignment is as bad as the next.
another part of me thinks the change will be nice, even if one assignment is just as bad as the next!

middle son flew to Florida today then drove down to key west. his best friend is getting married down there and son is the best man....................i was talking to him last evening about the trip and the wedding. he told me he has dated 6 of the girls in the wedding party (rolling my eyes, and shaking my head).........he cracks me up..................................................................but anyway he's looking forward to seeing his grandma and grandpas' old place while there.........................i asked him to get some pictures of the place for grandpa......and for me!

monday

I don't have many flowers this year, but the flowers I have are doing well. Except maybe for the Sunflowers!
My neighbors tree is falling through his fence and into my yard.

monday

My kitchen needs to be updated.
I've put it off for years because it really doesn't bother me
unless I have company. Then I'm a little self conscious of how dated
and tired it looks.
The functionality is getting on my nerves.
There's no space for prep work, and storage sucks. (I have a few ideas to fix these issues)
I've decided to get started on a little work in there.
The most expensive part of the project would be replacing the cabinets.
Mine are in good shape minus the inside of the one under the sink.
Boyfriend said he could repair the inside shelf of that one.
I was thinking about sanding all the cabinets and re staining them myself.
Boyfriend says it can't be done..........I didn't listen to his reasoning..........felt like he was raining on my parade.............now I gotta prove him wrong........cause I really want to save the money.
So I'm going to start sanding the cabinets today.

sunday

i worked this weekend.
i'm off the next two days.

thursday

today is my off day.
i napped most of the day away. i guess i was tired.
then we did a little shopping, and went to frisches big boy for dinner.
i had a big boy and onion rings.
it was good

after dinner we went to look at some new patio homes and town homes.
they were okay.......nothing special.

sunday

I didn't sleep very well. Mr. Bojangles woke me at 3 AM. He wanted outside. I put him out of the bedroom and closed the door. Boyfriend got up at 3:30 to go to the bathroom. Mr Bojangles came back in the bedroom and started knocking things off my table. I locked him out of the bedroom again but was not able to fall back to sleep! I love the little guy but he drives me a little crazy through the night.

I had watermelon for breakfast.
It's the first I've had since last summer.
It was so juicy and sweet. I love it mixed with pineapple,  cantaloupe, and a little salt and pepper. Yum!

I might do some house cleaning today, and a little laundry. I told boyfriend last night not to make any plans for today, that he needed to help me clean.   :O)

saturday

this is my weekend off work. yay!

i really don't have anything planned.

still under the weather. trying to rest

and get better.

the air conditioning at work

is broken. so the inside of the building feels like the rain forest.

after 12 hours in the heat i feel drained, dehydrated, and irritated.

we gave them a perfect survey. it would be nice if they'd give us chairs that aren't broken, computers

that work, and a comfortable work environment!

i have poison ivy all over my legs, and a little on my arms.

it's itches something crazy.

it burns from sweat while i'm at work.

i guess i'm just not very happy

at work right now................

Nursing is a joke some of the time.
The work load right now is so heavy
I don't know how I'm going to continue
much longer without making a big error.........or without
burning out.
The good news is that my boss told me I can
no longer take care of the patient whose family member I had words.
Maybe if I have words with a few more patients families
my work load will lighten up?  Just kidding.......
I told some of the department heads, including my boss, about what I said to my patients family.
They were thrilled beyond words. They're also fed up with her!
I have a raging urinary bladder infection. (probably from not having time to drink or pee while at work)
The spasms are excruciating. I stopped at Krogers' little clinic on my way home from work.
I was in too much pain to wait and see my doctor tomorrow.
The NP ordered some antibiotics for the infection and some Pyridium for the bladder spasms.
Hopefully tomorrow I
ll be on the mend.


PS.......if truth be told I wish I had remained in control and not said anything to my patients family............and if truth be told.....it really did feel good to say something.

tuesday

I have the day off work.
Spent hours doing yard work the other day so I might do
a little work inside the house today. I also might run to the store.
Our family had a picnic Sunday. I didn't go because I worked.........I grilled with my children, boyfriend, and father last evening. It was a good time!

Dad told me he has donated his body to science for after he dies. That we'd get his body after a year and could then bury him.
The thought made me sick. Donating organs and such doesn't bother me but the thought of dads body
laying around for a year in some school or lab horrifies me. I told him I couldn't stand the thought, that it would haunt me. So he said not to allow them to do it  in the meantime and he would have the paperwork changed.

There was a deer in my backyard yesterday eating the honey suckles. His right front leg, the bottom half was just a dangling bone.......no skin, muscle, or anything. It looked healed. He didn't seem to be in pain though I'm sure he had been at some point. I felt sorry for the little guy.

I expect a call from work today. I've been dealing with a patients family members' verbal attacks and craziness for months.
We all have a breaking point I guess. Mine was Sunday after several hours of her crap.
My words just came out.........as I was saying to her what I was saying it was like I was standing there listening to and watching myself. While I was talking I was wondering if this was the end of my job. But it felt so good I couldn't stop. It was like a sneeze, or an orgasm...........And
I'm still basking in the after glow.

friday

I have lots of yard work to today............and i'm lucky because i couldn't ask for better weather.......absolutely beautiful outside!

We went to an antique flea market last weekend. i asked daughter to keep an eye out for a cake plate
and desert dishes. i found a cake plate that came with serving plates. it's kind of pretty.

bought a new purse yesterday.
have been looking for one for quite awhile.
text daughter telling her i bought one and that she would probably be a little jealous when she see's it.
she lol'd.

work called me yesterday.
we had a perfect state survey.
it's our third in 6 years.
not only did we have a perfect survey
but it was our highest score to date.
i have mixed feelings
about the outcome.
i don't think we're deserving.......
there are problems that need to be
addressed and fixed. i worry
as a result of  our survey the problems will be ignored............
on the other hand, i work my butt off....day after day giving it my all.
so it feels good to be told by the inspectors that we are doing a good job.

thursday

daughter got a full time job in the medical field that pays pretty good and has a good benefit package.
she resigned from the library, which didn't pay very well, didn't offer full time,
and seemed more like a homeless shelter than a library.

i don't usually drink coffee. boyfriend just brought me one from mcd's
it's pretty good, and i like the caffeine!

i cleared the hill in my backyard year before last of all the honeysuckles. they're back in full bloom!
i hate them. dad says the only to get rid of them for good is to dig them out then fill the holes with concrete.
i guess i should learn to live with them!

the state inspectors should finish the inspection tonight or early tomorrow.
i'm anxious to hear the results..........mostly i'm just grateful to have the rest of the week off!

wed

i worked 27 hours monday and tuesday combined.
state inspectors are there for our annual survey.
the work load is crazy ........
i'm so thrilled to be off the next 3 days!

saturday

The kitties got me out of bed early today.
They come to my bed and meow until i get up and let them outside. if i ignore them
mr. bojangles gets on my night stand and  knocks everything off, one item at a time, pausing between items to see if i respond and continues to to do so until i get out of bed. little stink!

i'm going to look at some land today.
it has a barn, and a shack of a house.
i love the barn even though it needs work.
the house needs to be knocked down.

monday

Mothers Day was bitter sweet.
Not many people visit their moms
at the long term care facility. It's always difficult for those moms who don't get visits from their adult children. Some of them get calls from their children who make excuses for not visiting. Some of them don't hear from their children. All of them start the day with the hope and or expectation of a visit...........most of them end up disappointed, hurt, and a little sad.
It's hard to watch it all play out.

I got to see all of my children.........and spend a little time with each of them.............I love them..........

My stomach ached for my mom.
I put some pretty flowers on her grave.

thursday

A lot of my time at work is spent taking care
of the patients family..........it goes with the job........but
If you are a miserably angry, unhappy person
it is not my or any other nurses responsibility
to make things OK in your world......nor are we to blame for your miserable existence. you were miserable before your family member became ill, and probably will be after your family member is well or dead............we're not your whipping post in the mean time............furthermore.......if you want your
family member to have a private duty nurse, then hire one.......or better yet stick around longer than it takes to spread your negative, angry, destructive, energy and help to take care of your loved one.

I had fun with daughter yesterday.
We went shopping again........bought nail polish. Daughter bought a purse and she got me a pair of sandals for mothers day. they're sporty, and cute!
we also went out to lunch...........went to Noodles and Company.........both of us had the bangkok curry......it was good and fresh...........sat  outside on the patio and listened to their music while we ate.........tried to use the chop sticks but gave up!
we had a nice time.

tuesday

what i thought i screwed up at work i didn't.
huge relief!

just finished one 15 hour shift and one 12 hour shift. i'm burned out, my damn corn hurts, and i'm very happy to have the next 3 days off!

sis (daughter) vacuumed and had the dishes washed when i got home from work. silly how something so simple as vacuumed carpeting and a clean sink can make your day..........sure made mine!

sunday

boyfriend is in colorado visiting family.
daughter sleeps in my bedroom when boyfriend is gone. we stay up
late into the night talking.
it's fun.
we hung out together yesterday....... did a little shopping, looked at some new   homes, watched the ky derby, and grilled out. it was a nice day.

i've been filled with anxiety this weekend about a situation at work.  it's out of my hands at this point and so i try to let go and just face whatever happens when i go back to work on monday.
i try so hard to get it right (my job)........ some of the time i fail........and it sucks.

monday

I spent my weekend at work.
It was quiet.
My patients missed me while I
was gone. They told me so.
Made me smile.

I called daughter in law to be the other
morning. She was crying, stressed over wedding planning.
She said originally her and son had planned on eloping
or having a very small ceremony in the mountains of Tenn.
It was becoming something way different than what she had
imagined.
Now it makes since why she was all over the map
when it came to making plans.
Son said the only reason they haven't eloped
is because he didn't want to disappoint me.
I felt a little disappointed. But I didn't say that to him.
I mean originally I had hoped for a small, intimate wedding, and
I was looking forward to a mother son dance.
But when we checked out the first wedding venue, and after talking to the bride to be's mom
I knew it would be anything but that.........and then I got caught up
in her vision.
But quite honestly, more than anything I just want
them to have the ceremony that they have hoped for.......and that's what I told him.............
but I also told him I want to be there, no matter where or how they did it.
So they have decided, for now,
to have a ceremony in Gatlinburg Tenn with their parents and siblings present.
Her parents are supportive of their new plans.

friday

i've been off work for  9 days. i took two sick days tucked between 4 days off then 3 days off. i feel a little guilty as i always do when i call off.....but it couldn't be helped.
so i go back to work tomorrow.
i don't want to.

wedding planning is all over the map.
the bride and her mom change their minds daily.

thursday

celebrated my birthday this week. dad, my sisters, and my children stopped over to see me. it was a nice day. i planted a little garden as a gift for my mom on my birthday.  i put a little bird bath in the center of the garden, and i planted daisies since they were my moms favorite flowers. it's very little, but pretty just the same!

yesterday was oldest son's 30th birthday.
am i really old enough to have a 30 year old son?
he's a great son. a sweet and thoughtful son.
my family spent the evening at his house celebrating.
we had a great time.

tuesday

i've slept with my window open since mom died.........it helps me to fall asleep  looking out the window. i see the stars at night, the deer some of the time at dawn, and i wake to the birds chirping in the morning.
 all of those things remind me of and make me feel closer to her.

i'm headed to the grocery store.
i meant to go yesterday but never got around to it.
i need to get some shoe inserts while at the store. the 12 hour shifts are killing my feet!
when i get back home boyfriend and i are doing some work in the yard.
it's supposed to be warm and sunny today. just like yesterday.
i'm looking forward to it!

monday

daughters boyfriends' mom passed away when he was 17 years old. he supported her financially the last couple  years of her life.
his father was not part of the picture.
so he's been on his own financially since he was 16.
never had any help.
i don't know.......my heart kind of aches for him.
such a young age to be on your own.......and with nothing........
recently he moved into a new apartment.
daughter and i went there the other day while he was at work.
we got him some new curtains. he had none. blankets were over the bedroom windows to block the light so that he could sleep. the kitchen and living room windows were bare. i think he's so busy between work and the army reserves that he just hasn't gotten around to it. and i would guess that money is an issue too.
 i pack stuff away when i buy new stuff. things like curtains, table cloths, place mats, lamps, pictures, vases and such. boyfriend is always on me to throw away stuff that i have packed away...........and i always tell him that someday someone will need it.
so daughter and i got a few paintings and pretty vases from my boxes and we got an old table i had in the basement that would make a prefect kitchen table, and an old beautiful table i got out of the garbage a few years back....that i had cleaned and painted....and packed away knowing that someday it would be useful............and took all the stuff to his apartment..................we cleaned, rearranged furniture, hung paintings, including one his mother had painted,and put pretty vases on window seals.
 daughter reassured me  he would not be offended........that he would love the help..............when all was said and done, the place looked really cute,warm, and inviting...........and as we left we placed a new welcome mat outside his door.
he loved it all......said he walked around the place for half  an hour smiling and taking it all in.............it was fun!

i got a new bird bath for christmas from middle son...........................i think i'll set it up today........